Believe
by Paradise in Me
Summary: Alice and Jasper left on a trip after a vision of Bella's eighteenth birthday. However, what Alice never saw coming was a thousand times worse. Nominated for the "Everything's Bigger in Texas Awards". Rated M for lemons.
1. Prologue: Paper Cut

**AN: We don't own anything…  
****This is a collaboration between Kaitsa and Baruka Athena, we will each write one POV. We are both addicted to fanfiction, and wanted to experiment a bit with this story. Enjoy! **

Summary**:  
**_Alice and Jasper left on a trip after a vision of Bella's eighteenth birthday. However, what Alice never saw coming was a thousand times worse. Will Jasper ever recover with the help of Bella and his family? Or will he be lost into darkness? __Rated M for lemons._

**Prologue: Paper Cut**

**Jasper POV**

Her fingers were moving, nervously.

Her anxiousness filled my senses, along with the sweet aroma of her blood. Warm liquid pumping through her veins.

My eyes were glued to the spot on her neck where I could see her heartbeat thumping.

She hates to have all eyes on her, while she was still struggling to open the package, clumsily.

I, on the other hand, was loving it. Her nerves were making her blood speed up and made me want her that much more.

Not her obviously, she's just another human. Her blood, sweet, delicious young blood.

Seconds were slowly fading away, along with my self control.

She looked up from the wrapping, flustered, mumbling some words I didn't catch.

And then something happened that finally tore my eyes away from her neck. In her distraction she had let the sharp edge slide over her fingertip.

Swoosh.

Paper cut.

And the world stood still.

My eyes widened, locked on the pearl of red liquid that formed by the time she was able to gasp.

The next second my senses were overflown by the smell of her divine blood, dripping onto the wool carpet.

Without wasting any thoughts on her, or on everybody else present in the room, I lunged forward.

The pain from the cut had only just registered in her brain, but the panic in her big brown eyes, never would. I was a fast and skillful predator.

My gift paralyzed her and everybody else, while my teeth sank deep through her skin, into her pure soft flesh, and I let the blood flow greedily into my mouth.

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**AN: Please share your thoughts...**


	2. Chapter 1 Birthday

**Chapter 1 – Birthday (BPOV)**

"Damn it," I hissed through gritted teeth as I hit my little toe against the bedpost in an effort to get dressed. I hopped across the room on one leg to ease the pain a bit. Hopefully it wouldn't be broken. That would really ruin my day. Not that today could get any worse. Today is my 18th birthday. The day I am officially one year older than Edward. Thank God for school to keep me distracted.

A soft knock on the door shook me from my wonderings.

"Come in dad," I said and went to sit on the bed, massaging my already swollen toe.

"Happy birthday, Bella," he chanted, offering me a package wrapped in pink paper. I gave him a strange look and he shrugged.

"The lady at the store wrapped it, I don't have that kind of stuff in my house."

"I told you I didn't want any presents," I couldn't help from bringing up again. Too late now, it was more of a ceremonial protest. He shrugged again and I unwrapped it. It was a matching set of gloves, scarf and a bonnet. I looked up at Charlie in surprise.

"Thanks dad, I can actually use these and they are very pretty." I gave him a big hug and he huffed embarrassedly.

"Well, you tore your gloves last year when you slipped and fell and the lady in the store said it would look nice if you wore the set." He huffed again and after a quick hug and another happy birthday he left me alone to get ready for school. Luckily the pain in my toe was subsiding and I managed to get down the stairs without any further accidents.

When I left the house, Edward was already waiting for me in his Volvo. My heart still skipped a beat as I looked into his beautiful face. We were past the phase where I had a hard time concentrating when he was around, but he still was incredibly hansom. And would be incredibly hansom for all eternity.

"Happy birthday," he said in his sweet velvety voice and my heart sank. Looking at him I had almost forgotten it was my birthday. I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and dropped back in the leather seat. He sensed something was off, but didn't ask. There was only a slight twitch at the corner of his mouth. He knew I'd only tell him what was wrong if I wanted to. We had learned that one the hard way. I can be quite pig-headed if I want to and he doesn't stop prying when he thinks there's something wrong with me. It had resulted in our first fight and by the time I was ready to give in and tell him what was wrong, I had already forgotten what the whole fuss was about. Which really pissed him off. But we can't stay mad at each other and from then on he never pushed me into telling anything. I decided to change the subject.

"Where's Alice? Is she driving to school on her own?"

Edward shook his head solemnly.

"She left with Jasper yesterday. Said she had a vision and they were needed some place else, but she kept me out of her head so I don't know what she saw. She asked me to apologize to you for missing out on your birthday and she said she would make it up to you when she gets back."

I could hear he was hurt by the fact that Alice didn't trust him, so I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, which of course was only as hard as a butterfly's wing touch for him.

"She probably didn't want you or me worried, Edward. Alice would never keep something important from you. And to be honest, I'm kind of relieved that I can spend my birthday with just the two of us."

At these words his brilliant smile broke through.

"You're a wonderfull person, Bella. One word from you can lighten up my entire day."

I blushed and he chuckled at me. The rest of the way was spent in companiable silence. We had every class together today and Edward made sure to keep my mind occupied in order to prevent me from getting sullen again about my age. I still hadn't told him why I was feeling down, but he knew me so well, he guessed right.

The day had dragged on, but finally I was home again. As usual Edward went home while I had dinner with Charlie, which of course I had cooked. He suggested to get some take-out chinese, but I wasn't in the mood. So I made what my dad affectionately called Bella burgers. After dinner he left me alone to go watch a game - God knows which sport - at Billy's. That meant Edward could come over earlier and he came as soon as I called him.

We decided to watch a movie. Edward suggested I choose from the Cullen's DVD collection and he would run to the house to get it. It was a long, hard choice picking the right one, but eventually the decision fell on Cruel Intentions. I had never seen it and although Edward seemed reluctant at first, he caved and five minutes later he was back, DVD in hand. I snuggled against his chest wrapped in a blanket to prevent me from getting cold and pressed play.

About half an hour into the movie I understood why he didn't want to see the movie at first. There was more sex than I had anticipated and now I was getting a bit hot underneath my blanket. Uncomfortable as it was, I actually liked the movie and didn't want to come of as a prude, so I snuggled a bit deeper under Edward's arm and continued to watch the movie.

As the movie carried on, I was more and more aware of how my body was pressed up against Edward's. My cheek was pressed against his chest, hands laying on his leg, his arm draped over my shoulder with his hand softly carressing my back. I shifted a bit, tossing away the blanket and now my arm was sprawled over his stomach. I felt his muscles contract at my touch and smiled.

I guess the movie was affecting us both, because when my arm slid a bit down over his groin, I felt a distinct hard bulge. I swallowed my nervousness away and tried to pretend I hadn't noticed. Meanwhile I kept fidgetting from time to time so I would brush accidentally against his hard-on.

Then I made the mistake of looking up at his face. He wasn't watching the movie anymore, instead he was staring intently at me. And now he knew I had been doing it on purpose.

For a moment it seemed like he didn't know how to act. Then I could see his eyes darken and he leaned over to kiss me. At first it was only a soft kiss, lips on lips, but then he grabbed me more tightly and he deepened the kiss. His cold tongue brushed mine and I couldn't hold back anymore. I twisted my body without breaking the kiss so that I was now sitting on my knees on the couch facing him.

From experience I knew he would stop me soon. He was still so afraid of hurting me he didn't want us to do anything that could make him lose control. I was aware that I was pushing my luck, but I couldn't help myself. This felt so good, so I moved a little closer and pressed myself against him. His cold, marble chest against my breasts made my nipples painfully hard and there was no way he wouldn't notice that.

And surely he did, but instead of pushing me away he pulled me even tighter. His hands were roaming my back, sending shivers down my spine and I kissed him harder, enjoying the moment while it lasted. Suddenly one of his hands moved away from my back to my side and then to my front, until he was cupping my breast. He rubbed it gently and slightly pinched my nipple through my shirt and bra. He had never done that before and the sensation made me sigh into his mouth.

Abruptly the whole experience was over when Edward let go of me and fled to the other side of the room. I was left disoriented and panting on the couch, a feeling of loss washing over me.

"Bella, you have no idea what you are doing to me," Edward whispered from across the room.

"I'm not going to apologize, Edward. Whatever you are feeling, I'm feeling it as well."

"I'm sure you do," he answered and smiled his crooked smile, "but you can't kill me with a snap of your fingers."

I sighed. That again. Oh well, we were making progress and that's something. And I wasn't in a rush to force things anyway.

"I trust you, Edward. You won't hurt me."

"We'll see about that," he muttured and that was the end of our 'moment'. I sank down on the couch and closed my eyes. I knew where he was coming from, but my frustration was getting the better of me.

A yawn escaped my mouth and seconds later Edward picked me up and carried me to my room. I changed into my pj's and crawled under the sheets. He stayed on top of the sheets and began to hum my lullaby. That always calmed me down and he knew that all too well. I fell asleep thinking about how my life was kind of perfect right now.

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***** So tell us what you think... **


	3. Chapter 2 Lost

**Chapter 2: Lost**

**Jasper POV**

I leaned in the rocking chair, taking on a human pose. I lay my head back and closed my eyes. Craving human sleep.

Images flashed before my eyes. Images that I wanted to suppress badly.

I slapped my hands on my knees, took a deep sigh, and pushed myself up from the chair. Another human gesture. No more of that crap. No more time to waste.

I stepped over the body of the man that had been sleeping in this very chair and left the house unseen.

I roamed from village to village, the trace I sensed going fainter and fainter. I was giving up hope on catching them. Slowly my mind was settling on being a nomad again. Back in the south were I was born.

Faceless, weightless, mindless, homeless.

Days and days passed by and the scent was now almost vanished. I was nearing the Mexican border. I knew all too well vampires aren't safe here, but I didn't fear death.

I should be so lucky.

Whenever I felt myself growing weaker, I would find an easy victim, preferably sleeping, cover them in apathy and empty them quickly.

Falling back into old habits, addictions if you will, was so easy. Like breathing. Easier even.

Breathing had become hard, there was no instinct making me do it. Hunting, however, came from the core. It was what I was made for, trained for.

And I was damn good at it.

On one of those nights I entered an old and battered farm. Poor people aren't missed that much, one mouth less to feed.

I climbed through the window that was open in this hot night and found a young girl sleeping peacefully, hardly sixteen years old. She was tiny and skinny, with black hair. I shouldn't look at her, just get it over with fast. But somehow she made me stop.

Her skin was pale and her hair was spiky. I know who she looked like, but I didn't want to think of it. There was no stopping it though.

Alice.

I shut my eyes as hard as I could, determined to look no more, I didn't need vision to find her veins. But the image that was surfacing instead made me open my eyes anyway.

I looked straight into a dark brown gaze, wide open. The girl gasped and the room was suddenly filled with panic. I made a mistake here, soon she would scream and all hell would break loose. But she didn't. She just lay there, in her worn out night gown, staring up at me.

No more mistakes, I thought, and I pulled myself together. I leaned down and one final gasp was the last sound she would ever make. I drank from her and ran, as far away from this place as I could. Her feeling of panic and her piercing gaze however, brought it all back.

There was no more escaping, eyes closed or open, the same images kept creeping in. My vampire memory way too detailed.

Alice.

My sweet loving Alice. Getting a vision and realizing what was to happen, too near, no escaping. Her face distorted in fear.

She took my hand and we both ran, now clearly smelling the presence of oher vampires. Her wide eyes looking much like the ones I just saw. Her high pitched voice that shrieked "I didn't see it, I'm so sorry Jazz. Please run!"

"See what? See what, Alice!" my voice filled my head again, her panic, my panic, indiscernible.

And then the most sickening memory of it all. A last whisper of love interrupted by a ripping sound.

A sound I knew all too well, a sound I have produced with my own hands many, many times before. But what a difference it makes.

Death sounds so different when it kills someone you love.

No more sounds were heard after that. Flames were blazing in silence. The gang that caught us by surprise, during a passionate moment, was cheering in triumph, but none of it reached my brain.

The warrior in me resurfaced and I chased them down.

But it wasn't enough, three were still running. Among which the one who was responsible for the horrifying ripping.

Peter and Charlotte had warned us, about these gangs who were revolting against anything that wasn't normal in their books. My friends advised us to buy red contacts, just to be sure. We had dismissed them, laughing out loud, sure it couldn't be that bad.

And after all, we had her gift, didn't we?

How could she not have seen?

I ran through forests, mile after mile, and slowly the images were bringing me to my knees. Literally.

I sank down to the ground, hands gripping in the dirt, and I howled her name.

My Alice.

I thought I was losing my mind. But that won't happen. I would have given it up happily.

I needed an empath making me numb. Feeding on humans had made me stronger again, faster, more lethal. But my gift I couldn't control. Not in this state I was in. And my mind, I couldn't shut down.

I will question myself for the rest of my days. How could she not have seen?

So many what if's all coming down to my guilt. What if I had been more in control of my bloodlust before, we would have stayed home for Bella's birthday. What if I had lost my arrogance and listened to Peter and Charlotte? What if I hadn't insisted on us going south, checking out my human roots, knowing all too well about dangerous vampires there? What if we hadn't been making love in that forest, at that precise moment?

And most important of all, how can a world class warrior, trained to demolish vampires for a century, not be able to stop a group of seven fascist newborns, when they ripped off the head of his wife?

It didn't make sense, yet it was oh so real.

Mere seconds after the horrible ripping sound, I shredded two of them, using their own flames. And the other five fled.

I didn't put out the fire, to save what was left of her, and to bury her body. I went straight after them, tracking, but they split up. I caught one the first day and another one the next. After that I had roamed aimlessly until I picked up the scent of the remaining three.

Thinking back now, slowly losing hope of revenge, I was sorry I left her there. Maybe I should go back. Bury her remains, collect her jewels and other belongings that were left behind.

But I couldn't.

If only I could sleep. Escape for just a few minutes. From everything. Turn me off for just a second, please.

Humans who lose loved ones feel so sorry for themselves, while they are in fact eternally blessed. They can float back into blissful nothingness, every single day. They can drug their bodies to make it all blurry. Their brains aren't perceptive enough to grasp everything from the start, they only slowly realize what never means, step by step. And never isn't all that long, for a human. They have the eternal comfort of knowing that some day it will all stop.

This and other arguments erased the shame of taking human lives. One less guilt to deal with. I was simply doing what I was created for. It was natural.

Focusing on hunting was perhaps the one thing that kept me going.

I slowly started to get up from the forest ground. Letting reality slip back in.

Daylight. Trees. Birds singing.

And the smell of… Emmett?

It couldn't be.

All of my senses were alert instantly. I didn't know whether to run away or run towards him. Would he grant me the favor of killing me? I don't think so.

Running away it is. I didn't want to explain. I didn't want to feel pity, or disappointment. No blame. Not even hurt. I had my own.

Emmett had smelled me too, and he's faster, even with my new diet. I could feel his hurt over my rejection. Of all the things I couldn't handle, hurting Emmett was another one.

So I stood still, and waited. And he showed up before me.

"Dude, what's with the running!" he asked angrily.

I stood silent, looking at the ground.

"We're worried sick, man. Why didn't you call? And where's Alice?"

At the sound of her name, my head snapped up, and I looked him straight in the face. Ruby red eyes, staring into big gold ones.

And I had to say no more.

He knew.

He understood.

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**AN: This is a lot of information. We are very curious to hear all your thoughts, please enlighten us.**


	4. Chapter 3 Worried

**Chapter 3 : Worried **

**Bella POV**

Alice and Jasper had been gone for a week now and we were getting worried. It was not like them to stay out of touch for so long. It wasn't Alice anyways, Jasper I didn't know so well. The Cullens had been trying to call them on their cell phones for four days now, but both phones went straight to voice mail.

We were all gathered now in the Cullen living room anxiously awaiting the phone call Carlisle was making. He had the idea of calling the company that issued Jasper's and Alice's cell phones to activate the GPS tracking device. He played the concerned father part and apparently it had worked because all the faces in the room lit up at one point.

"Did it work?" I nervously asked Edward. He nodded and hugged me.

"We have to login on the website of the company and there we should be able to track them."

We all went to Carlisle's study to see if it had worked.

"I can only find Jasper's mobile," Carlisle said gravely when we entered and Esme gasped.

"That doesn't necessarily mean something happened," he quickly continued, "if the phone got broken, the GPS device could have easily been damaged. You know how they can get when they're on their own."

"They're not as bad as Rosie and me, but when they get started they do mean business," Emmett joked and I blushed thinking about my best friend like that. Edward punched him on the shoulder and Rosalie whispered something I couldn't hear.

"Still, that doesn't mean everything is alright," Esme brought up. "Where is Jasper?"

"He's currently in New Mexico," Carlisle answered.

"What the hell are they doing there?" Emmett wondered. "Jasper of all people should know it's not safe in the south."

Emmett and Rosalie exchanged a couple of strange looks and then she nodded as did Edward.

"Care to let the rest of us in on it?" I asked irritated.

"Emmett is going to look for them and he's going to do it without Edward's help because he wants to stay here and look after you," Rosalie snapped and I immediately felt guilty. She was letting her husband go on a potentially dangerous trip by himself because I couldn't be strong enough to be left on my own.

"Rosalie, behave." Esme reprimanded.

"I'm going to be fine, Rosie. Don't worry about me. I'll be back before you know it." Emmett grabbed her in one of his bear hugs.

"But I'll miss you," she fake whined and said something else too low for me to hear. At her words a big grin broke through on Emmett's face and he lifted her up in his arms and they vanished upstairs. Edward, Carlisle and Esme shook their heads and once I realized what they were up to a new blush crept up my face. I really had to get my blushing problem under control.

When Emmett left, a whole day had gone by without news from him. Edward told me not to worry, Emmett would call when he found something, but not sooner. I couldn't concentrate in school and when the final bell rang I felt immensely relieved. Edward had convinced Charlie this morning that I could come and study at his house and stay for dinner as well. Esme had stuffed the fridge with all kinds of food and I loved cooking in the Cullen kitchen. Too bad I was the only one appreciating the end result.

After I had made myself a chicken salad, Edward decided to teach me how to play chess to pass the time. We set up the board in the living room and Edward was just explaining the rules to me when Carlisle came barging through the door. I had never seen him so bewildered and I felt an icy coldness creeping around my heart. Tears were already gathering in my eyes before a single word was said. Edward jumped up, sending the chess pieces flying and was at Carlisle's side before I could register he moved. There was a silent exchange and Edward fled out of the door, not looking back once.

"What's wrong, Carlisle?" I whispered getting up from the couch. "Are they alright?"

I knew they weren't. They couldn't be if Carlisle and Edward reacted that way. Still I couldn't say the words. Carlisle came over to me and motioned to sit down again. He took Edward's seat across from the empty table where the chess board had been moments earlier. He looked down at his hands in his lap while he spoke.

"Emmett called me. He found Jasper."

"So they are ok," I interrupted, but the pained look in Carlisle's eyes told me more than I needed to know.

"Alice is dead. Killed by a gang of nomads from the south."

I just sat there for at least five minutes, dumbstruck. This couldn't be. Not Alice, not my best friend. She was a god damned vampire. They don't just die like that…

"What about Jasper?" I croaked.

"He's overcome with grief. He hunted down most of the nomads, but I'm afraid he has slipped back into his old way of life."

"You mean he's…" I couldn't say the words.

"He's feeding of humans again," Carlisle said, the emotions now getting too much for him and he left, looking for Esme and Rosalie.

Left alone, the tears came, no sobs, just a continuous stream of tears running down my face, soaking my shirt. I made no attempts to wipe them away. I didn't even know if I could move at all. The loss had paralyzed me, the knowledge about how to make my muscles work erased from my mind.

Finally my mind just went blank, thank god for the weakness of the human psyche. I don't know how long a sat there, alone. Dusk had come and the room became dark, nobody around to put on the lights. Since the darkness matched my mind, I made no effort to get up and turn them on myself. My head was clearing up though and now the loss manifested itself in the shape of a hole in my chest, a gaping, throbbing hole. The pain was almost to much to bear and I doubled over in an attempt to hold myself together.

In this shape Esme found me a couple of hours later. She picked me up and carried me to Carlisle's Mercedes.

"I'll drive you home, Bella," she softly spoke. "Try and get some sleep. We will call you when Edward and Emmett bring Jasper home."

Edward's name shook me from my trance and I sat up in the passenger's seat as we took off.

"Edward went to help?"

Esme nodded her head. "He's running over there as we speak. He asked to tell you that he's sorry he left, but he needed to do this for Alice."

I understood, of course I understood, Alice is – no was – his favorite sister. That thought wrenched another sob out of my exhausted body and I wondered what time it was.

"Oh crap," I yelled when I saw the clock, "Charlie's going to throw a fit. I was supposed to be home hours ago."

"That's why I'm driving you home. We'll have to tell Charlie about Alice's…" She had trouble forming the next word. She drew a deep breath and went on, "about Alice's death. The cover up story is that Jasper found some relatives he wanted to visit in New Mexico. He and Alice got into a car accident and she died. As for now we don't know the details yet."

I nodded. It made sense. Nobody can predict a car crash. But how could Alice have missed this? She sees everything. How come she didn't see her own death? And why did they leave in the first place?

At home I went straight to bed while Esme explained things to Charlie. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and was thankful I didn't dream for once, hidden in a vacuum state of peace.

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*** so sad... What do you think?**


	5. Chapter 4 Goodbye

**Chapter 4: Goodbye **

**Jasper POV**

On track again. Fiercely we ran, the three of us. Brothers in arms.

I had been ready to give up, when they joined me. But their rage had fired me on. I felt a renewed power. We wouldn't rest until they were avenged.

We were well into Mexico. And we were closing in, Edward and Emmett could smell them too now. They had slowed down, probably believing they were safe. They should have killed me too then, if their safety was of any importance.

We were aware of their presence before they were aware of ours. I wanted to challenge them and make them suffer, instead of simply ripping their heads off. They damned my eternity, they didn't deserve a quick death. But Edward, who read their minds was filling up with rage, and so ripping it would be.

I said out loud, so that Emmett could hear me too "the blond one is mine". We had a plan en we moved forward. The numbers were even. I never stopped to think that one of us might get hurt here. They were young and strong, feeding on humans. But I've been feeding on humans as well, Emmett is strong by nature and Edward is a mind reader. In my opinion, they didn't stand a change.

And I was right.

It was no glorious battle, no battle at all really. Just three heads thrown into a fire.

I didn't know what I had expected to get out of this. It gave me no pleasure, no satisfaction. Whatsoever. But I guess knowing that he was still out there would be worse.

The three of us didn't speak, we just turned around and ran back. We knew where we were headed.

After we passed the point where they found me, I took the lead. They could follow my track, but I hadn't been traveling in straight lines and I didn't want them to find out just how much houses I had visited.

Edward knew of course, but I could tell by his feelings that he didn't judge. He was overflowing with grief for his sister. They had been like twins.

As we ran for days in silence, my mind started to play tricks on me. Nasty tricks.

I would see something disappear behind a tree, and when I looked closer I saw a pixie like figure with black hair. It couldn't be. I would blink and she would be gone again.

This happened more often.

When we passed through a village that was on our route, I saw her stepping into an alley. I would have sworn it was her. She had the same swaying bounce in her steps.

I changed course and followed her, before Edward and Emmett could stop me. But when I put my cold hand on her shoulder, a stranger's face turned around and stared into my ruby eyes. She shrieked and ran, before my brothers picked up my crumbling form.

I could feel their worry, that I was going insane. But still neither judged. Emmett simply said "well, she did look very much like her."

From then on, we traveled around villages. We couldn't run fast through them anyway, so the extra distance didn't slow us down.

Somewhere in the back of my head, there was this hope that these mind tricks were actually attempts of Alice to reach me.

She can't be entirely gone. Where do vampires go when they die? She has to be somewhere around still.

When we arrived at our destiny, I couldn't do it. I simply couldn't.

I climbed into a tree and just sat there, looking over the forest. Trying to find the place where we had started running from the gang. The place where we had made love.

I could feel their emotions. They had found her. I couldn't handle all of it. Too much.

I desperately tried to recall our last days together, pushing all else away from me. Her laughing face, her enthusiastic chipper, her golden eyes, her pure and loving emotions.

I could feel that Edward was somewhat comforted by the images that played like a requiem on her funeral.

I looked up into the sky.

How can you be gone, Alice? It simply can't be.

After the longest time, Emmett climbed in as well, followed by Edward and they sat next to me.

"Come home with us, bro."

I shook my head. "I can't. It's not home without her."

"It isn't to us either," Edward answered, "but it's where we belong. Together."

I stayed silent. Thinking about how everything was different now. I loved them all dearly, but I was a changed man. Wouldn't fit in anymore.

Emmett was no mind reader, but he knew what I was thinking.

"They'll understand, Jazz. We all make mistakes."

Mistake? Had those humans been mistakes? I don't think so. I never tried to stop myself. I had hunted and fed, like I was supposed to.

I saw Edward flinch at these thoughts and I looked sideways, straight into his eyes. Golden. Like hers.

It was like she was looking at me, and I averted my gaze, ashamed of my eye color. She had been so god damned proud of me.

"I know it will be hard. But we simply are not leaving you here. You're our brother. And it's what she would have wanted."

He held out his hand to me and opened it, palm upwards. In the middle lay a golden band. Her wedding ring.

I reached out for it and took it, carefully, as if it would burn my fingers.

It was an expensive and extravagant ring, as everything about her had been. But the inscription was plain and simple. It read 'Eternity'. She had said that it reminded her of me. A man of little words but filled with undying love.

And that one word had said it all. Or so we thought.

There's no such thing as forever.

The vision of me sliding this ring over her tiny finger, and then looking up in that over joyous face of hers, filled my memory. It hurt so much.

I quickly closed my hand around the ring, and looked up at my brothers again.

I slowly nodded. I would go home with them. I'm not sure if I could handle all of their emotions on top of my own, but it is indeed what Alice would have wanted.

Right now, I needed to be surrounded by people who had loved her too, who agreed with me that she had been an amazing creature and who would be a confirmation that everything had been real.

Emmett clumsily wrapped his arms around me in this awkward tree situation. I had no need for affection right now, but I guess he did, so I patted his back and we descended again.

At the bottom I saw her grave, but I didn't linger around.

When we stepped away to start our journey home, I looked back once more. My fist was clenching around the ring and I had to be careful not to crush it.

"Goodbye Alice" I whispered.

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**AN: I cried when I wrote this chapter. I'm sorry we let Alice die. But there's no turning back now... **


	6. Chapter 5 Comforting

**Chapter 5: Comforting**

**BPOV**

I woke up with the sound of a knock on my bedroom door. As I opened my eyes, a sharp pain needled its way into my eyes, my skull throbbing with a vicious head ache and I remembered that I had been crying. Crying for Alice. And now my body was punishing me for it.

"Come in," I shouted at the door and Charlie peeked his head around the corner.

"Mornin' Bells. I called school, said you weren't coming. Sleep in honey, you need it."

"Thanks dad. My head is killing me for the moment," I sighed.

"I have to leave for work now. Are you going to be ok home alone?"

"I'll be fine, dad. I'm not six. I'll probably be sleeping the whole time anyway."

He nodded at me once and left. I turned on my side away from the door and fell back asleep.

A couple of hours later I woke up again. I tried desperately to fall back asleep, to sink in blissful nothingness, but things don't work that way. The horrible reality was sinking back in and the harder I tried to block it out, the more hurt I felt. Just as I was on the brink of breaking into sobs again I felt a breeze rush over me and I sat up.

Standing at the foot of my bed was Edward. He looked terrible, if vampires can look terrible and I felt the overwhelming urge to comfort him. I jumped out of bed, walked up to him and wrapped him in a warm embrace. His head dropped to my shoulder and for a while we just stood there like statues, my breathing the only thing that moved us. Until I shivered and he softly entangled himself.

"You're cold love, you should get back under the covers," he said moving us both to the bed. I crawled under my blanket and nuzzled into his chest.

"I'm sorry I ran away when I heard…" he couldn't finish his sentence and my heart broke for him.

"You don't have to explain, Edward. She was your favorite sister." There were a million more things I wanted to say to him, but I couldn't. My eyes were watering up and my voice was no longer under my control. Instead of speaking I cupped his cheek with my hand and lightly caressed it. I looked into his beautiful golden eyes and saw the immense grief that made me spill the tears he couldn't shed. We both knew we felt the same way and no words were needed between us.

After an hour in each other's embrace, Edward let me go and grabbed something from his pocket.

"Jasper found this in his bedroom. It's Alice's birthday present for you." He handed me a box wrapped in bright blue paper with a big ribbon on it. I had to swallow back a sob as I reached for my present.

"Are you sure you want it now?," Edward asked quietly. "You don't have to open it this instant."

I shook my head. Now I knew it existed I wanted to know what was in it, what Alice wanted me to have against my explicit wishes.

Unwrapping the present I cut myself on the paper. A sharp intake of breath from Edward alerted me that I was bleeding. Before the nausea could set in, I put my finger in my mouth to suck the blood away, which made Edward's eyes bulge. He gently but sturdily pulled my finger out of my mouth and put it in his. I gasped as it made contact with his cold tongue. After a couple of seconds he removed my finger and smiled.

"I've closed the wound with my venom. It hardly bled at all."

When he saw the shocked expression on my face he chuckled, but there was an edge to it.

"I've tasted your blood before. It still sings to me, but I'm in control."

I nodded, not sure about what to say. He handed me the present for the second time and a tore the remainder of the wrapper off in one swift movement. In my hands I held the box of a Smartphone. It was an outrageous present, but I liked it. I never wanted a cell phone before, but after yesterday I wished I could have stayed in touch with Edward.

"Did you know about this," I asked him and he smiled and shrugged. So he did. Last week it would have bothered me, but I guess I'm a different person now.

I opened the box and switched on the phone. I roamed through the settings and stumbled on the contact list. My breath caught when I saw her name. Alice. She had already programmed her name into the phone. My hands were starting to tremble and I almost dropped it. Edward wrenched it from my fingers and one look on the screen told him what had me so upset. He put it on the nightstand and pulled me into a hug which made me burst into tears again.

I felt like my head was going to explode. Only Edward's touch kept me sane at that point. When darkness crept in, Charlie came home from work and Edward left to be with his family.

Being alone in this time was not doing me any good so after dinner I asked Charlie if I could go over to the Cullen's and offer my condolences. He was a bit hesitant about me invading in their grief, but I told him I needed to be there for Edward and he understood. I rushed over as fast as my rusty Chevy could take me which really was not fast at all.

By the time I pulled up at the house, Edward was already waiting for me. He opened my door for me and led me into the house. The first floor of the house was empty. He told me Carlisle and Esme were off hunting and Rosalie and Emmett were in their room.

"Where's Jasper?" I asked tentatively.

"He's in his room."

"Why is he alone?" I asked shocked. "He shouldn't be alone in a time like this. Someone should be comforting him."

"He wants to be left alone for a while, Bella."

Edward sounded determined, but I was having none of that. Jasper shouldn't be left alone, so I made for the stairs. I was stopped before I took two steps.

"Bella," Edward insisted, "I told you he doesn't want to see anybody."

"I need to talk to him, Edward. Alice was my best friend, she was my only friend." As I said that, I felt the blackness creeping in and I took a deep breath to keep my emotions in check. A Bella that was breaking down was the least Jasper could use right now.

Suddenly Edward stepped aside to let me pass. "Jasper says you can come in, but only you."

Edward didn't seem very happy about this, but I wouldn't be in long. After a quick hug, I walked up the stairs and through the hall up to Alice's room. No, Jasper's room.

Before I could knock on the door, Jasper already called me in. As soon as I stepped through the door, I was hit with wave after wave of intense sorrow. Jasper was laying on the bed on his back, his hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. When I felt the sadness oozing into me, I was at loss for words. I didn't know anymore what I was going to say. All I knew is that I wanted to mend this sad broken man, my best friend's husband.

I staggered forward towards him, the wretchedness hung in the room like a fog, making it hard for me to coordinate my limbs. When I reached the bed, I laid down next to him, mimicking his pose. He didn't acknowledge my presence, but he didn't send me away either, so I stayed. For the longest time, we laid there, until finally he sat up.

"You should go, Bella," he said without looking at me, "Edward is getting anxious downstairs."

"I know the hurt is killing you, Jasper, I can feel it," I said, "and I want to be here for you. Help you through this."

"I don't want you to help me through this. No one can help me through this." His voice had turned to ice and I shivered.

Not ready to back off I put my hand on his arm, saying: "You need someone, Jasper, and I'm offering."

He roughly shook off my hand and turned to me, his ruby red eyes boring into mine.

"Bella, look into my eyes. See that color?"

I nodded.

"It means stay the hell away from me."

I got up and walked to the door, defeated for now. But I would be back. This man needed me.

* * *

*** Determined Bella... how will that work out?**


	7. Chapter 6 Guilt

**Chapter 6: Guilt**

**JPOV **

They thought I was hunting, and in a way I was, but not for food. I was hunting for human emotions.

When Bella tried to comfort me earlier this week, I had let myself immerse into her feelings. What she felt was pretty much what we all were feeling: disbelief, shock, loss, devastation and so on. But the intensity of it was nothing compared to what me and my family feel day and night. Humans can only register so much. Therefore focusing on her pain brought me some relief.

Apart from that, it annoyed me too. That a weak and fragile human in fact stands stronger in times like these. What good are super capacities in thoughts and feelings, if they can only bring you down?

When she started believing that she wanted to comfort me, I had sent her away. A human can't possibly understand what I'm going through. How can she even begin to comfort me? It's ridiculous. She should be scared instead. Doesn't she know what I have been feeding on? She's got no sense of self preservation.

Nobody can comfort me really. They don't know that it's all my fault. My fault we left Forks, my fault we had been preoccupied, my fault I couldn't save her. I don't want them to know, they have reason enough to be disappointed in me as it is.

Now the vision of the ripping is finally pushed to a deeper place in my overly detailed memory, there's another image that makes an unwelcome appearance. Her golden eyes, piercing mine, and telling me over and over again how proud she was of me. _Was_.

For denying my true nature. I had done so for her, to feel in her emotions how much it meant to her, to be able to deserve someone like her.

Now she's gone, I have no reason to deny myself any further. No reason apart from those golden eyes that pop into my mind, pleading me to try. For her, still.

And so I did. I tried. But it was so much harder than it ever was, without her constant presence and faith in me.

I lost faith in me. What am I really, without her?

All these thoughts and the immense sense of guilt, I couldn't escape.

But Bella got me thinking. If human emotions, however devastated can bring a relief of my pain, I needed more of that.

So I headed over to Forks and entered a pub. With my gift I roamed from one person to the other. All were different, but all limited. Like I needed them to be. I leaned against a wall and let myself drown. My senses stopped at one human near the bar. Empty. Blissful emptiness.

This was a tall blond girl, or bimbo as you will, who had a couple of drinks. She wasn't drunk, just tipsy enough to feel nothing. No me, no world, no mind, no face.

I focused on her. When she started walking away from the bar, I followed her with my gaze, and then suddenly, as if she had felt me, she turned around and looked me straight in the eyes. There was no fear, still nothing.

And then she disappeared into the rest room. I should probably have left here, but I wanted more of that emptiness, so I stayed, watching the door intently.

When she came out again, her gaze immediately moved back to me, and she made her way over, confidently.

Underneath the numbness I could feel a broken heart, some anger and some interest in me as well. When she was right in front of me, she stopped and I could tell she wanted to say something clever, but then looked into my eyes and stopped, jaw open.

She quickly recovered though.

"Those are some scary contacts you got there, sexy."

I flashed her a grin, showing my razor sharp teeth, and felt her instant response. Lust.

She gave me a brilliant smile back, and despite her slutty clothes and drunken state, she looked innocent. Her smile was innocent. She, however, was far from that, because without another word, she took my hand and started walking towards the exit.

I was startled by her warm hand, but she didn't seem to notice my cold one. I should probably disappear here, but this was the least pain I have felt since it happened and I didn't want it to return. So I followed her willingly.

Now her empty emotions were slowly filling with lust. And surprise that I had been an easy victim. Anger was still present underneath. I had this suspicion that her actions now were driven by revenge. An ex boyfriend maybe.

I had no idea what I was doing here. All I knew is that if I should leave her here and run, it would be just me and my guilt again.

So instead I bathed in her lust, with the small side effect that I was getting pretty turned on. I took a good look at the swaying hips and her small waist as she led me outside and into a dark alley. I had to admit, she was beautiful. But she was a human. I never got how Edward could feel attracted to a human. Although I would find out soon enough.

She shoved me against the wall, as if she was the predator here, and her soft warm body was pressed against me instantly. She mistook my physical reaction to her lust as an encouragement and her hands were already expertly unbuttoning my jeans.

I thought about Alice as I let her continue. About our last time. Nobody could ever mean that much to me, but damn if I wasn't going to have my way with this one. This relief of the pain.

Everything faded from my mind as I let the waves of lust flow over me, through me and from me.

Meanwhile blondie had freed my hard cock and her lips were already around it, fervently sucking. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back against the wall. She felt so warm, like nothing I've ever felt before. Even in my time with Maria, where she would have loved to watch me rape human girls, I never did.

But this human was practically raping me. Her tongue twirled around me and with every stroke she sucked me harder, lighting up a fire inside me, a flame of desire that I couldn't resist.

I pulled her up and in one swift movement she was pushed against the wall and her panties were ripped from under her skirt. She gasped and I was hit with a delicious mix of fear and lust. I lifted her up and she instinctively wrapped her legs around my waist.

In one push I was buried deep inside of her, slamming her against the wall. If she was startled by my cold body, she didn't show. She threw her head back and started moaning.

As my trusts became faster and more violently, her groans turned to cries. I pushed down her pain and added some more lust to make her squirm in between both walls; a brick one and a pounding vampire.

I was damaging this human thoroughly and she loved every second of it. The smell of her blood enraged the predator in me even more, and I sunk my teeth deep into her neck. This only brought her more ecstasy.

I kept banging her into the wall, over and over, for the first time in my existence giving into the combined desires of sex and blood.

I was careful not to drain her before I was finished. I was so close, but I needed her to scream first. I moved into her with even higher speed and force until she finally came undone, in pleasure and pain.

I let go, ravished her completely, giving her all my fluids and taking all of hers. All my senses satisfied.

I let her body slide down the wall, leaving a trail of blood behind.

And I ran. My conscience was gaining control again.

I ran further, into the forest and further even, deep into the mountains. The image that was haunting my mind was not the broken blonde human I left behind, but it was Alice's face. With averted eyes.

She didn't want to look at me. I had betrayed her, and betrayed myself.

The me she thought I could be.

And the guilt was back, tenfold.

* * *

**AN: New experiences for Jasper... How do you feel about this?**


	8. Chapter 7 Mission

**Chapter 7: Mission **

**BPOV**

I was determined. From now on I would make it my mission to help Jasper. Somehow I could sense he needed me and that was enough for me. But he wasn't quite ready and I could feel that as well. So I would give him his space for now and come back to visit him in a week.

In the mean time, Edward would be my priority. In a way, comforting others made me feel better myself, being with Jasper had tought me that.

Going back to school was hard. Alice had been in most of my classes and now it was just Edward and me. He tried to be strong, but I knew he was struggling. It seemed like the entire school wanted to express their sympathies, while all we wanted was to be left alone. The constant stream of students coming over to us was getting to Edward and I saw his eyes turning darker and darker as the day passed.

When school was out I begged him to go hunting. He looked like crap, his eyes were almost completely black now and dark circles were forming under his eyes. He didn't want to leave me alone, so in the end I simply ordered him to go. He blinked a couple of times at my rudeness, but left after giving me a gentle peck on the cheek, leaving me on my front porch.

I spent my time alone to catch up on my homework, keeping my mind occupied. When I was about to go to bed, Edward appeared in my room. He looked much better now, his eyes back to their normal honey color, but the hurt in his eyes wouldn't go away with a simple hunt. I hugged him tightly and asked him if he had fun.

Answering questions seemed to lighten his mood, so I kept him talking, asking about everything and nothing. As long as I could keep his mind from going back to reality I would do keep him busy. But I hadn't counted on my own body selling me out. When Edward caught me yawning, he realised what I was doing and made me go to sleep. By then it was already 3 am so he wouldn't be awake on his own for too long. I admitted defeat and slept like a log.

A couple of days passed like this, me trying to keep Edward and myself occupied.

I thought I was doing a good job until I talked to Esme. We were at their house, because I had asked Edward if I could hear him play the piano again. It had been a long time since he had played for me and it always made me feel better when I felt down. He had left me alone for a while dashing to the store when he realized the fridge hadn't been restocked. That's when Esme came to sit with me. She told me how hard it was for Edward and she was worried about him. She asked me to keep an eye on him and inform her if he was getting worse. The whole conversation left me desperate and empty. I had been trying so hard and I was accomplishing nothing.

As I sat in the couch contemplating my failure, Edward returned with the groceries. I pulled myself together for him and cooked dinner although I wasn't really hungry anymore. Just keeping up appearances I guess.

When I had eaten, I decided to confront Edward with what Esme told me.

"Why are you lying to me, Edward?"

"Am I lying?" he answered with another question, which irritated me a little.

"You keep assuring me you're fine, but clearly you're not. Why don't you tell me?"

He looked down at his feet and shrugged. He resembled a little boy who was getting reprimanded by his mother. I moved closer and lifted his chin, so he looked me in the eyes. The sadness in them was killing me.

"Don't you think I can handle your pain?"

"I want to be strong for you, Bella," he whispered sounding a bit embarrassed.

"I don't need you to be strong, Edward," I exclaimed passionately, "I only need you, period."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his lips softly. He returnd the kiss with more passion than I was used to. When I moaned into his mouth, he grabbed my wrists and stepped back, ending our kiss. He looked deep into my eyes and sighed.

"Please, let me be strong for you, Bella. That's what keeps me going."

He asked with such desperation in his voice that I couldn't deny him.

Edward drove me back home and we talked for hours sitting side by side on my bed. When I asked about Jasper, he grew silent, but I pressed on. Apparantly Jasper was having troubles with the emotions of everyone in the house, especially Edward's, so he tolerated nobody near him. On the few occasions Edward had spoken to Jasper, he had seen disturbing flashes of women he killed and drained in his mind. It made Edward feel uneasy and I didn't press any further. It creeped me out a little that Jasper had mainly fed on women, but Edward didn't seem to react to it, so I didn't share my thoughts.

We were both lost in thought and I crawled closer to him. He put his arm around me and I rested my head in his armpit. Absentmindedly I was drawing circles on his stomach with my fingers. I closed my eyes and lost myself in his caressing touch on my back.

I felt I was drifting in the outskirts of sleep when I was woken by a low grumbling coming from Edward's chest. I opened one eye and saw what I had done. My caresses had obviously turned him on and now his erection was straining to free itself from his pants. The sight of him excited me and all sad thoughts were wiped from my mind. All I could think about was how I wanted this gorgeous man in my arms to be happy. And since he was a man first and a vampire second, I was pretty sure how to accomplish that.

My hand trailed south and I managed to unbutton his jeans in the first try. Before I could pull the zipper down he had flipped me on my back and stared intently into my eyes. His were dark with desire and I licked my lips in anticipation, turned on even more. For the longest time he just stared at me without making a move.

Then it was like something clicked in his mind and he moved his hand to my chest. Nerve-rackingly slow he started to unbutton my shirt, eyes fixed on mine, looking for any sign of insecurities from my part. When the last button was opened, my shirt fell open and Edward's eyes darted to my exposed flesh. I would have thought it impossible, but his eyes darkened a shade and I was getting seriously aroused by that.

Suddenly he sniffed deeply and I realized with a blush he could exactly smell just how aroused I was. For a couple of minutes all he did was look at me and it was without a doubt the sexiest thing he ever did. When he was satisfied by what he saw, he leaned forward and started kissing every inch of exposed flesh. The sensation was like nothing I've ever experienced. One of his hands snaked behind my back and with a flick of his wrist my bra was untied. I pushed myself up on my elbows and got rid of it and my shirt. My breasts were now fully exposed and he was drinking me in.

He kissed me again, starting in my neck and working his way to my already hardened nipple. He took it in his mouth and started suckling on it which made me moan. Encouraged by the sounds I was making, he started massaging my other breast, slightly pinching my nipple. All his ministrations were getting me so worked up I had a hard time controlling myself.

I reached down, pulled his head up and kissed him feverishly. My hands were all over him and before I had realized it I had grabbed his cock through his pants. He hissed at my touch and pinched my nipple a little too hard and I flinched. Horrified by the fact he hurt me, he pulled back.

"Please don't stop," I whispered, desperately needing him close to me.

"I'm sorry. I can't. I'm not in control," his voice broke and his head dropped in shame.

"Please, Edward," I begged, "I need you to make me forget."

"I can't Bella, please understand. I'll hurt you, I already did." He was begging me now and I had to give in, frustrated.

"Then just hold me," was all I managed to say, before my tears clouded my sight and my sobs overcame me.

All I was feeling came back full force, crashing down on me, along with a enormous dose of frustration and rejection. I broke down wrapped in his embrace realizing I had been pretending to be strong just as much as he had done…

* * *

*** Still trying...**


	9. Chapter 8 Anger

**Chapter 8: Anger**

**JPOV **

Pacing. Over and over. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks.

Nothing fades. For any of us. The curse of being a vampire. We will all suffer her loss till eternity. Until we learn to accept this change, which is extremely hard to do for frozen creatures.

Nothing fades, for all but the human. She's feeling better already.

Healing. And it annoyed me to no end.

Still I couldn't send her away, because immersing myself in her emotions helped me cope. And I'm sure Edward knows, he brings her over daily.

Whenever she's in the house, I dive in, into whatever she's feeling. Sure there is pain for her lost best friend, but not nearly as deep as for the rest of us, and her mind is so easily distracted. Especially when having private Edward moments. Feeling the excitement and frustration of first loves hurt me as well, but all in all, it was a welcome relief from the constant turmoil in my heart.

I found myself looking forward to the hours she stayed here. As long as she and her meddling ways stayed away from me, that is.

Edward noticed other things as well. He watched me suspicously, whitout a word, checking my eye color and my memory for fresh victims. I wasn't able to hide them all.

There had been many more since that blonde in the alley. I was carefully hunting far away, using strategies that I've never used before. I didn't sneak up on sleeping houses to get a quick fill anymore. Instead I seduced my victims, using my natural charm and dazzling powers. And I didn't go for the easy ones, I wanted hard to get. I wanted to actually hunt.

When I finally had them at my feet, begging me to fuck them senseless, and when I finally sank my dick and my teeth deep into their flesh, it gave me such a rush. I can't really describe it. But it is oh so addictive.

Every single time I promised that this would be the last one, but then I found myself wanting more and more every day.

Even now, pacing in our old room, I am already thinking about the next girl on my list. I needed distraction. My eyes roamed over the empty cupboards, cleared from her pictures. Over to her walk-in closet, that suddenly seemed bigger than ever. There's nothing in this room but empty space.

I closed my eyes and recalled the image of the colorful clothes. The many many shoes, which were important to her, but never mattered to me. We never were all that compatible, really. We were great together, but so different. Maybe I should have tried harder.

I watch the closet and see the door slide open in slow motion. She bounces out, holding up a purple dress, happily jumping in front of me. Her eyes full of excitement, darting from the mirror to me, waiting for my nod of agreement with her dress choice. I always nodded, she knew that.

I shook my head and the image of her cheerfully pulling on that dress vanished. And emptiness suddenly grew even bigger.

I should stop this. This mesmerizing, reliving memories. They are so perfect I can make myself believe whatever I want. Time has fooled me into thinking it's a part of me.

But I need to stop, or I'll go insane. More insane than I am now.

I drop down on the bed and feel my way through the house.

Rose and Emmett are sharing an intimate moment, but doing so quietly. Out of respect. For me. And out of their own sadness. I know from my hunting experience that it's a fine way to help you cope. Instincts taking over.

Esme, worried sick. Probably pacing as well. Always alone now Carlisle was burying himself in his work. She hasn't even begun to deal with the loss herself. Only thinking about her kids who are suffering. And knowing there is nothing she can do to make it better again. Her despair was massive and I pushed her emotions away again.

Back to the human then.

I sigh in relief. There's a little bit of everything in Bella's feelings, nothing too big to deal with. I distracted my mind by naming all I could find, worry, lust, sadness, love, insecurity, loss, frustration… I can hear them softly whispering through my ceiling. Discussing about who should comfort whom. They shouldn't be doing that. They should be making love, now they are both still alive. Instead they can't stop talking and hurting each other. Now Bella is crying again, and Edward tries to make her stop. Let her cry god dammed, what is more beautiful than shedding tears over loved ones?

I hated my dry eyes. No way to out my pain.

Through her sobs, I suddenly heard my name and focused on what she was saying.

"… Jasper. I feel so bad for getting in his way all the time. He can't stand me."

"That's not true, Bella. He's avoiding everybody right now. It's not just you."

"I can see how he looks at me. He hates me. Can't we go to my house?"

"He doesn't hate you. In fact he feels better when you are around. That's why I bring you every day."

"He does? Why?" I could feel her concern and hope rise. Dammed Edward. Don't get that girl any ideas into her head.

"I don't know why. But he's not ready to admit that. So better not bother him."

Good boy.

"But why? If I can help him, why doesn't he let me?"

I knew what was coming. She wanted to believe so bad that she understood all of our pain, and I was so _sick_ of her ignorance.

This time I wouldn't run. If she didn't believe Edward, she sure as hell is going to believe me. I would make her.

There she stood, in the doorway, Edward softly pleading by her side to let me be. Got that right.

"Jasper. Why don't you talk to anybody? You can't keep locking yourself up here."

I restrained my voice, trying hard not to sound too harshly.

"Bella. Please leave the room. I'm a big boy. I can do whatever the fuck I want."

The curse escaped and I saw her flinch. Edward pulled her arm gently, but she shook him off with a glare, determined not to be pushed away.

"I can help you, if you just let me." She took a step closer and I felt Edwards fear rise. It only angered me more, that he thought I would rip his precious little human to pieces.

I answered through gritted teeth "Bella, you don't understand a thing, and if you're smart, you leave right now, before I say something I will regret."

Her determination grew even more.

"You can say whatever you want to say, Jasper, if it helps you. I can handle it."

I laughed out loud and at this she cringed, but still wasn't to be scared away, and she took another step closer. She reached out her hand to comfort me, and that was it.

Something snapped and I snarled at her, wiping that hand away. It wasn't a forceful movement, but it was enough to send her staggering a couple of feet backwards into Edward's chest.

His feeling that she needed to be protected from me, enraged me even more and I then suddenly I trew it all at her. I didn't physically attack her, no, I hurt her much more profoundly. All my irritation and disgust against the entire human race was thrown into her face. Both her and Edward were baffled, and while I was going at it, I fired my last weapon. I didn't shout it, I whispered it, but they both heard me clearly.

"And of all people, you're the last one I want comforting me. Because if it weren't for you, Alice would still be here."

"Jasper, that's enough," Edward said, with a warning look, and his tone revealed that he knew. Bella could hear that as well.

"What?" Bella stuttered, "I thought you were attacked by a gang in the South?"

Her confusion peaked. Edward was right, I shouldn't tell her, but I was so mad, there was no stopping me.

"Ever thought about why we weren't there for you birthday, Bella?"

"Jasper," he warned again.

"She's gonna find our sooner or later, Edward, that Alice got a vision of a paper cut, and that we had to leave to keep your fragile human alive."

"No," she gasped in disbelief, looking back and forth, "is this true Edward? Did you know this?"

He gave me a death glare, but answered her "I only saw it afterwards in his mind."

After hearing that, she crumbled and ran down the stairs.

I had expected Edward to follow her, but instead I was thrown into a wall, with high force. Hit by surprise and held there in his firm grip, as he was empowered by rage.

"Are you happy now? Why did you have to do that?"

I pushed his chest hard, sending him flying off of me, breaking the empty shelves.

"You just keep your nosy girlfriend away from me. I have enough to deal with as it is."

I backed out and opened the window to leave, but he grabbed my arm.

"I know what you're doing, Jasper. I can see your memory, and I know you haven't stopped. I kept my silence because I wasn't sure, and because I wanted to give you a break. But you're not in control. What you're doing with those humans, it's _sick_."

The disgust in my brother's face hurt me even more than his words.

"You're a god damned hypocrite Edward. Judging me for wanting sex with humans, while you…." I shook my head.

"I love her, Jasper. You of all people should know that. And I'm done cutting you slack. I bring her here, every day, despite me knowing how you feed, because I know her presence helps you. But I don't want you near her anymore. You won't bring her down with you."

After these words, he was out of my window, chasing Bella whose truck was now racing down the driveway.

I felt her incredible pain slowly fading.

And I knew I had made a mistake.

There's only one person I'm truly angry with. And it's not her, it's me.

* * *

**AN: I believe you don't feel so sorry for Jasper anymore now. Or do you? Let me know who you think who's right and wrong in this one...**


	10. Chapter 9 Numb

**Chapter 9: Numb **

**BPOV**

Everything Jasper said to me kept mauling around in my head. And I realized he was right. About everything. It was all my fault. I killed Alice. The mere thought of it was destroying me, slowly draining all the life out of me. I couldn't eat anymore, couldn't sleep anymore, couldn't do anything anymore. I stopped living the moment the words had left his mouth.

_If it weren't for you, Alice would still be here_.

One week had gone by and I was walking around like a zombie, bursting into tears a dozen times a day. Charlie and Edward didn't know what to do or how to act. They were hovering around me, trying desperately to get some life back into me, feeding me, telling me when to go to sleep, driving me to school. I let them baby me, but I wasn't really registering it. I was beyond help at this point.

And Edward's presence kept reminding me of Alice. He had known why she had left and didn't think I was strong enough to handle it. Worst part of it was that he was right as well. I wasn't handling it at all. So I didn't hold it against him.

I was frantically trying to go numb, to lose myself into the black nothingness of sleep. But it wasn't working. As soon as I closed my eyes, the nightmares started.

There was one that kept coming back. I was in the living room of the Cullen house opening Alice's present. When I removed the wrapping, I got a paper cut and Jasper lunged for me, burying his teeth in my neck. And every time I woke up in Edward's arms, crying my eyes out, I wished my dream was reality. Because if it was, Alice would still be alive. I didn't tell him about it, because I was sure it would freak him out. And I still felt the urge to protect him.

After two weeks, my last tear was shed, but that didn't make me feel any better. Edward and I were lying on the bed staring at the ceiling as we had done so many times this last couple of days. The first couple of times he tried to start up a conversation, but in my near catatonic state it was more like he was monologuing. So he just stopped trying and we laid in silence.

He was better prepared the next day when he had brought his iPod and we spent the evening listening to his music. It made us both feel an infinitesimal amount better, so that's how we spent every night from then on.

In these calm evenings I started thinking about apologizing to Jasper and beg for his forgiveness. It seemed to me like it was the least I could do. After all, he was right and I needed to acknowledge it to him. So I tried to talk to Edward.

"Edward, I need to talk to you about something," I started, my voice hoarse from not using it for so long. It obviously startled him a bit to hear me speak out of the blue, because he sat up with a jerk and looked intensely at me.

"What is it, Bella?" he asked tentatively as if I was some terrified animal on the verge of lashing out.

"How is Jasper doing?" This question surprised him even more. He even blinked a couple of times.

"He's not doing well," he answered after a moment of hesitation. "He couldn't handle our emotions anymore, so he moved to a cabin Esme owns in a secluded part of the forest."

I couldn't speak for a couple of seconds. He was doing even worse than I thought. Could it be that my presence had some beneficial effect on him? Was I selfish in staying away, just because he hurt me by saying what he said? He had told me the truth, opposed to Edward who kept things from me that might hurt my feelings.

"I need to see him," I blurted out jumping off the bed and before I had the chance to say anything else, he had grabbed me by the shoulders, nearly yelling no. That scared me a little. He had never as much as raised his voice to me and now he was nearly out of control. He drew a shaky breath to steady himself and said no again in his usual velvety voice. So he was hiding something from me again.

"Why not, Edward? What else is going on for you to react this way?" I was a little suspicious at this point and I was not going to back off this time. He probably saw the determination in my eyes, since he sighed and his expression turned pained.

"Jasper is definitely feeding of humans again and I don't want you near him until he cleans up his act," he stated confidently. But something in his eyes told me he wasn't telling me the whole story.

"And?"

"And nothing. It's not safe being around him right now."

"There's more to it than just the feeding, Edward. I can see it in your eyes. You're uncomfortable talking about it." As I read his reaction to my words, I was convinced I was right. There was the slightest twitch at the corner of his mouth and his smile came a second too late to be persuading enough.

"You can tell me. I won't break down again." And to guilt him into telling me, I added: "If you don't I'll just start imagining things and that will be worse."

He sighed again and mumbled: "I don't think you can imagine worse." In a normal voice he started explaining: "I'm sorry if I scared you, but the whole situation just freaks me out."

Oh, I didn't think it would be that bad.

"Jasper is only draining young attractive women and I think he's having sex with them before he kills them."

I gasped. "You mean he's raping them?"

He shook his head which set my mind at ease a little.

"I think he seduces them into having sex and he bites them during…" his voice drifted away, unable to say more.

"Are you sure?" I couldn't help asking.

"Not one hundred percent," he admitted. "The images in his mind are fuzzy and he's blocking me as much as he can. But I've caught glimpses that are pretty disturbing. And don't ask me, because I'm not going into details."

I realized I wasn't getting any more information and I nodded. He really was freaked out and I hugged him tightly in a vain attempt to reassure him a little. Surprisingly I wasn't disgusted at all. I was worried sick and my guilt started to creep back in. It was my fault he became this way and it would be up to me to right this wrong. But how would I do that?

A few days later I was sitting alone on my bed staring at the wall in front of me. Edward had left to go hunting with Emmett, and Charlie was downstairs watching TV. For the first time in a long while I was alone. I had feared being alone and Edward didn't want to leave me, but his thirst and Esme had made him. I was actually doing better than expected on my own. I wasn't breaking down or anything. I was messing around with my new phone a little after I had called Edward to tell him I was doing alright.

As I scrolled through the contact list I stumbled upon Jasper's number and I decided then and there to call him. I was instantly nervous, my heart beating out of my chest, palms turning sweaty. It took me about ten minutes to muster enough courage to press dial.

"_Hello?"_ He had picked up before the first ring was finished.

"_Hi Jasper, this is Bella,"_ I choked out.

"_Oh, hi."_ Not much enthusiasm at the other end of the line. The icy tone of his voice almost made me hang up on him, but I decided that since we were talking now I would say what I needed to say.

"_Listen Jasper, I want to apologize for everything. For intruding into your lives, for being a human, for inconveniencing you, for making you leave and for… for Alice."_ The last two words I could only whisper as my voice was breaking, but he heard me.

"_Do you feel better now?"_ he asked as soon as I was finished, his voice still distant and cold.

"_Not really,"_ I answered in a small voice, afraid of what he was about to say next.

"_Because I don't feel any better, Bella,"_ he hissed. _"I bet you are already recovering, your spirits a little up, sleeping it off." _

My heart was breaking when he spoke. Not only for myself but for him as well. This was not the person Alice told me about when we were alone, the loving man that was endlessly tender, despite his violent past. This was a darker version of Jasper, lost in the dark without Alice's radiant presence. But at his last words I got angry myself. What good is sleep if you only have nightmares?

"_Don't talk to me about sleeping, Jasper,"_ I snarled. _"I go to sleep every night dreaming about Alice. She gives me my birthday present and I cut myself on the paper and you attack me. Every night you sink your teeth in me. And every morning I wake up wishing you had, because then Alice would still be alive." _

I had to catch my breath after my little tantrum and on the other end of the line there was only silence. I waited for Jasper to speak before I did.

"_I'm sorry,"_ he said finally, the coldness gone from his voice, replaced with sorrow. _"I was resenting you for being human and I forgot you have a hard time as well. I don't envy you anymore, knowing you have to look at her every night." _

"_You don't have to apologize, Jasper. I do. For forcing my presence on you when you needed to be left alone. I won't do that again. You won't see or hear from me again." _

I wanted to hang up, but he said no. At first I thought I had misunderstood, but he said it again.

"_No, don't stay away. Maybe we can call sometimes? I think it would make me feel better. I am a bit lonely here." _

"_Of course we can call. But don't tell Edward. He wants me to stay away from you." _

He said okay and hung up.

Why did I say that? Was I going to keep this a secret from Edward?

* * *

*** Will they feel better after the phone call? Share your thoughts...**


	11. Chapter 10 Broken Glass

**Chapter 10: Broken Glass**

**JPOV**

Hunting and existing. Endless cycles.

I seemed to have gotten a split personality. One that is a predator, fierce, seductive and extremely deadly. And another that is nothing. Or at least tries to be nothing.

Until the thirst brings the hunter back. I hated both, but I let them take over anyway. The real me didn't want to take over anymore. The Jasper I had been was buried somewhere in the past.

Tomorrow I was nothing, yesterday I'll be.

I focus on the sun, rising and falling, the stars shifting across the sky. The endlessness of the universe and the endlessness of our doomed existance. Without her.

I had removed myself from their emotions, but that didn't mean I wasn't aware of them every single minute. I knew they were worried, and I couldn't console them. The harder they tried, the deeper I sank.

It's like I was living somewhere in a parallel universe. I knew they understood my pain, they felt it too, but somehow I was disconnected. Behind the looking glass. I could see the real world, I knew it existed, but I had no intention of reaching out.

So aware of everything and nothing seems for real.

Until a phonecall awoke me from that state.

They tried to call me several times a day, but I never as much as blinked. They didn't come over, figured I would pick up my phone as soon as I was ready to talk.

I still wasn't ready, but somehow I wanted to answer this call. So I slowly took my cell, clicked it open and said "Hello?"

"_Hey bro, how are you holding up out there?"_

"Um… I'm not?"

"_I've been thinking, maybe we should get you away from here and go on a trip to the mountains?"_

My hunting was a sore point and I wasn't up for discussing it. I understood why they wanted to get me back on the right track. But I couldn't do it. Not now.

So I told him "No thanks, Emmett."

I thought he was going to try persuade me with cougars and other wildlife, but instead he just let it go. Out of all Cullens, Emmett is the easiest to be around. He doesn't complicate things and he loves unconditionally.

Which had gotten a new meaning with my new life.

"You don't have to call me, Emmett, I'll be fine. I just need time."

"_I'm not calling for you. I'm calling for me. I miss my brother. You know how boring Edward is_."

I suppressed a little snicker. The two of us sometimes made fun of our brooding brother, who couldn't easily let go and just have fun, like we did. But the humor of his remark was in the fact that there was no possibility of anything more boring than me staring up at the sky for days in a row.

"I'm not much fun, Emm."

"_Of course you're not. Stuck in that hole. You need to come out and play_."

I do come out and play, but not the sort of play he meant.

"I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, I just can't be around you. Any of you. I've got no control over my gift, you'll suffer too much as well. Not to mention Edward reading…"

"_Yeah, I figured that. But I've got this plan. You need to do this for me, I'm going insane here too. So hear me out, okay?"_

I did and agreed to my own surprise.

He installed a laptop in the cabin that was connected to his, in the house. He had gone crazy in the city buying every possible mind-wracking game and we played day and night.

And that's how Emmett managed to break the glass. With only a single gesture, which he claimed to need out of selfishness.

After that, I wasn't so numb anymore. The 'Hunter' and the 'Nothing' were still there, just not twenty four seven.

And that's why I simply answered the phone when Bella called.

And why I was able to see her point of view after she spilled her guts to me and able to come to my senses a bit.

That night I didn't go hunting. I wanted to check on something.

I ran to her house and sat down against a tree in her garden. Immersing myself in her emotions again was familiar and welcome. But right now it gave me extra guilt as well. She wasn't doing better. At all.

She was exhausted, and more hurt than any human I felt before. It was my doing. In my opinion I had told her the truth, but what did I want to prove with that? Clear my own guilt?

I erased her phonecall from my mind because she had asked me to keep this from Edward and focused on my worry for her. He let me stay in the garden all night, probably wanted me to know what I had done to her. I heard her scream more than once and I felt her despair when she woke up, over and over again. In the morning she was even more spent then the evening before.

I had to make this right. I couldn't take back what I had said, but I needed to make it better anyway.

When Bella was having breakfast, Edward came out into the garden. His emotions were filled with concern. For both me and Bella.

"Jasper, I understand why you are here, but please try to see my point of view."

I just nodded.

"I'm willing to keep my silence about everything I see, although it disturbs me greatly. But can you please stay away from her?"

"I wasn't going to hurt her."

"Rationally no. But tell me honestly, how much of your time is spent rationally?"

"I'm in control, Edward. I'm more in control now than as a vegetarian."

"I want to believe you, Jasper, I really do. But this is not just any human. And I won't take any risks. I'll tell her you're sorry, okay?"

I nodded again and ran off before the phone call would pop in my mind again. She knew I was sorry, but that was clearly not enough.

So I waited for days until he finally left her alone again to hunt, and I called her back.

"_Hello?"_

"Um… Hi Bella. It's Jasper."

"_Oh_." She was silent, and suddenly I saw how ridiculous this was. Why am I calling the human girlfriend of my brother?

"Nevermind," I said, but before I hung up I heard her quickly recover.

"_Wait. I just didn't expect you to call, that's all. And then I thought, maybe I should ask you how you are doing, but that seemed so insensitive. So I said nothing_."

"It wouldn't be insensitive."

"_Oh. Well, how are you doing?"_

"Bad."

"_Hmm_."

"How are you?"

"_Also a little bad_."

That sounded unintentionally funny and I almost chortled. I know she felt more miserable than she ever felt in her entire life, but she was guessing that I felt worse.

"Have you been getting some sleep?"

"_Bits and pieces… What do you do to fill your time?_" She asked, and then gasped because she knew part of the answer. I quickly responded "Video games with Emmett."

"_Oh. Sounds fun_."

"Yeah. Actually, it is."

"_Good."_

"Good."

Awkward.

"So," we both said at the same time, and then both sniggered nervously.

"_You first_," she said.

"I didn't really have anything to say."

"_Me neither_," she answered and we laughed again. A sound I hadn't heard in what seemed like ages.

"_I listen to music_," she said. "_It helps. Maybe you should do as well. Music can say more than words_."

"What do you listen to?"

"_Anything really. A lot of songs now have a meaning I never grasped before_."

"So what song do you listen to today?"

"_This week it's mostly Radiohead_."

"Karma Police?"

"_You know that?"_

"Bella, I might be ancient, but my spirit stays young."

"_I'm sorry, I didn't mean…_" she threw in anxiously.

"Relax, Bella, I don't bite." It was out before I could stop it. So out of place, me vampire, she human. But instead of gasping Bella started laughing really hard, as if I had made this joke on purpose. So I joined in. Hearing someones laughter mixed with my own made me feel again. Not good or bad. Just feel.

We talked like that for thirty minutes. About music first. Then about movies. And books. She always seemed like the overly shy plain girl next door, but in fact she had some interesting things to say.

And I think I maybe – almost – enjoyed talking to her.

* * *

**AN: You think they will be compatible as friends?**

**If you like Darksper, you might like the new story Baruka Athena posted today as an entry for the "Show Us Your Dark Side Contest". It's called "Who are you?" and added to this profile's favorites. Enjoy!**


	12. Chapter 11 A Boy Named Sue

**Chapter 11: A boy named Sue**

**BPOV**

_~ Four weeks later ~_

He picked up after the first ring, as always.

"_A boy named Sue_," was the first thing Jasper said.

"Ah, Johnny Cash, good choice," I answered. We had this tradition of answering the phone with the title of the song we were listening to. A couple of weeks ago we had discovered we liked a lot of the same music and Jasper had made it into his own personal project to broaden my musical horizons.  
"Why that song?" Most of the times, with Jasper, there was a reason he was listening to each specific song.

"_Because it's funny_," he answered, " _but it's also about how hard times can make you stronger_."

"I see. I'll google the lyrics some time to see what you're talking about. I don't have a perfect memory, you know."

"_Ow boohoo, you poor human_," he said sarcastically, but I could hear him chuckle on the other side of the phone. That's also something we did, compare the benefits and weaknesses of being human or vampire. Sometimes I won, other times he won. We came to the conclusion that we were both flawed and pretty messed up at the same time.  
"_So is there any special reason you're calling me or are you just checking up on me?"_

"Well, actually there is a reason, but it's a bit embarrassing," I started and paused not sure about how to phrase things.

"_It's about Edward then_."

I sighed, which gave me away. Jasper had this way of seeing right through me even though we were miles apart and he couldn't sense my emotions.

_"Just spit it out, Bella. You'll feel better afterwards_."

Another deep sigh and I was ready to spill. "I don't know what to do anymore. He still refuses to touch me. Earlier today we had this passionate kiss and I really thought he was going to take it further, but then he just stopped. And now he has run off to go hunting. I can't handle this rejection, Jasper, but I need to be with him…"

For a moment I thought I had crossed a line, rubbing it in that I still had someone, but then he started talking.

"_You have to understand it's hard for us to keep in control. Sex and bloodlust are two sides of the same coin. We can't separate them_."

"But how…" I was confused. Didn't Edward tell me Jasper seduced his victims? I stopped in mid sentence, realizing what I was about to say.

"_How do I have sex with humans_?" Jasper said crudely. "_Is that what you wanted to ask_?"

I nodded.

"_I can't see you through the phone, Bella_."

"Yes," I whispered.

"_They were never meant to live through the experience, so there never was need to be careful_."

Although I already knew about him taking lives, it shocked me deeply. But I still couldn't judge him. What was wrong with me? And I had to know more, now he was finally talking about it.

"Do you think you can do it? Keep them alive, I mean?"

That had him stunned for a minute.

"_I don't know. Do you want me to try_?"

Wow, awkward. Am I asking Jasper to experiment on women for my sake?

"I don't know. Would you do that for me?"

Pause.

"_I guess I can try_…"

Another pause.

"_In the mean time_," he said switching subjects a little, "_I've thought of something you and Edward can try. How do you feel about a back rub_?"

"I like that?" I wasn't sure where he was going with this.

"_Well, you can ask Edward to give you a back rub. There will be partial nudity, so he can work on his control with that, and you can explore how much pressure you can take before he hurts you. What do you think_?"

"That's a great idea, Jasper," I exclaimed enthusiastically. "Why didn't I think of that?''

"_Because you don't have my countless years of experience_," he answered jokingly.

We talked for a while after that, carefully avoiding mentioning the 'experiment', so I didn't know if he was actually going through with it. We ended the call when Charlie got home and I realized I was late preparing dinner.

My head wasn't really into making dinner, because I kept thinking about Jasper and those poor girls he was feeding on. There had to be a way to bring him back to the Cullen style of life. It was clear to me that the other vampires weren't getting through to him, so maybe it was up to me. But what could one simple human accomplish when five vampires were failing?

These thoughts kept haunting me the rest of the evening. And that was a good thing, worrying about Jasper kept my mind busy, so I didn't have to think about Alice…

I was nervously awaiting Edward's arrival. Jasper's advice in mind, I had bought massage oil and scented candles to set the mood. All I could do now, was hoping Edward would go along with the plan. I was placing the candles all around my bedroom, when I heard a chuckle behind me.

"Plans, love?" Edward whispered in my ear, his voice already huskier than normally.

I spun round and placed a chaste kiss on his lips, not wanting him to back off before we even got started. I sat down on the edge of the bed and he sat down next to me. I explained him what I had in mind for tonight and he listened intently without interrupting me. When I was finished, he kissed my forehead and said: "I think that's a wonderful idea, Bella. You're an amazing girlfriend. I don't know what I did to deserve you."

That made me feel a little uncomfortable, since it was Jasper's idea after all, but no way I was telling Edward that. I went into the bathroom and put on a pair of shorts and a towel. When I entered the room Edward had just finished putting on a CD, romantic music flooded the room and suddenly I was nervous.

_Why am I nervous? It's just a freakin' back rub,_ I mentally scolded myself and laid down on my stomach on the bed.

Edward removed the towel, careful not to touch any other part of my body than my back. At his first touch I shivered.

He chuckled. "Your plan is flawed, love. You didn't think about my cold hands."

I had to laugh. Why didn't I think of that? "Oke, go hold your hands under the hot water in the bathroom. Next time I'm at work I'll buy some of those hand warmers hikers use. That should do the trick."

Before I had even finished my sentence, he was gone and I heard water running in the bathroom. Maybe he was as eager as I to make this work. Now that was a comforting thought. After a couple minutes Edward returned with steaming hot hands and I relaxed under his touch.

He was handling me just right and after a couple of minutes I couldn't hold back my moans. The second the first one escaped my lips, Edward quickly withdrew his hands.

"Please don't stop," I sighed, "this feels so good."

He snickered at my pleading tone and continued. He kept working on my back, kneeding away all the knots in my muscles, encouraged by the sounds I made. The man was a natural. Was there anything he wasn't good at?

Half an hour passed with nothing but the sound of my moans. I was wondering if he'd ever get tired of this, because I sure wouldn't. As if he'd read my mind, he said: "Let me know when you've had enough, because I could do this all night."

"Just keep doing what you're doing," I sighed which made him laugh. It was nice to hear him laugh again. I hadn't heard a genuine laugh from him for ages. A smile broke through on my face and I sighed.

"What are you smiling about down there," he asked playfully.

"You. It's nice to hear you laugh again. How are you feeling?"

He thought about this for a moment as if he was surprised about something. "Actually I'm feeling a bit better when you keep me occupied like this. Is this part of your masterplan to make me better?"

"Not really," I admitted. I honestly hadn't tought about it that way. I had my needs and wanted Edward bad physically. But if doing this made him feel better I would gladly subject myself to his touch every night. The thought alone made me all tingly inside and before I could stop it, I was getting wet.

Edward abruptly stopped touching me and sat back, holding his breath. I turned my head and saw that his eyes were pitch black. He had smelled my arousal and was probably fighting to hold on to his control. I grabbed the towel, draped it around my chest and sat up.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to get all excited. You just have that effect on me."

He didn't answer, just looked at me, seemingly unable to form a coherent sentence. I thought it was best if I gave him some space so he could get his act together.

"Stay here, I'll hop in the shower. Try to calm down by the time I get back."

I probably stayed in the shower a little too long, but I wanted to make sure I got rid of the smell of my arousal. So I washed and rinsed three times over my entire body. There would not even be one pheromone molecule left when I was done.

When I finally entered my bedroom all evidence of the back rub were gone, the candles neatly stashed under the bed and Edward was laying on the bed. I crawled next to him and he hugged me tightly and whispered "I'm sorry" in my ear. I fell asleep in his embrace, my last thought going out to Jasper, reminding myself to thank him for his advice.

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**AN: So, what are your thoughts on Jasper's little experiment and Bella's back rub? We'd like to know...**


	13. Chapter 12 Experiment

**Chapter 12: Experiment**

**JPOV**

She wanted me try something for her. Even talking about that kind of stuff was embarrassing. But I knew all too well who used to be her one friend she could talk to about these things. I made her lose that friend, and I would make up for it.

When I went to the city later that week, I first decided to choose the most unappealing lady I could find, in order to be able to keep my control. I wanted to tell Bella that it was possible for me to behave better. And give her some hope for her and Edward, as it was so important to her.

But that wouldn't be fair, since Bella is very appealing to Edward. The experiment would only be valid if I picked a beautiful victim. I thought of a plan, how to accomplish this. I would let the lady take control and be as passive as possible. Before I left to town, I jerked off twice to get rid of any built up sexual tension in my body, and I drank three hikers along the way, just to be sure. When I found a beautiful girl sitting in a booth in the back of the pub alone, I thought to myself '_nice, a virgin would make the experiment even more representative'_.

I sat down in front of her, buying her a drink, and I used my gift and charm to get her to open up to me. She was suspicious at first, but gave in soon enough and before I knew it, she was bathing in more lust than I had shot her way.

She followed me obediently when I took her to the park. I slowly undressed her, whispering to her how beautiful she looked and asking her to warm up my cold body. She wrapped herself around me and we kissed until the scent of her arousal got the better of me. I lay down in the grass behind some bushes, and I gently pulled her down with me. She rubbed herself over my erection and she was completely giving in to the urges of her body as I kept throwing wave after wave of desire towards her. I kept still, twitching underneath her, and very much affected by this young girl. I guess the jerking off before only helps that much.

I made sure she didn't get off without me being inside her, by pushing down her pleasure every time she neared orgasm, until she was so frustrated, that she begged me to push myself inside of her.

I guided her on top of me, erasing her pain, and lowered her until I was fully sheeted. Every fiber inside of me was urging to flip her around and start pounding her, but I managed to refrain and I let her adjust to me until she slowly started moving again. She leaned forward to rub her clit against my body, and I grabbed her ass, fighting to keep control. I held my breath the entire time, because I could almost taste the few drops of blood that she shed.

Instead I focused on controlling her feelings, so that she was now quickly approaching her climax. Her movements became faster and faster, as she now lay flat against my chest. This brought her neck dangerously close to my face. My control was slowly slipping. My hips started trusting upwards, rewarded with extra moans and grunts from her throat. The throat my eyes were fixed upon. My fingers dug in her butt cheeks, lifting and pushing her down at high speed, until I could feel her body starting to convulse. The emotions that flooded from her that moment, made me spill my venom deep inside of her, and as the orgasm took over my body, I sank my teeth deep into her neck, sucking fervently when wave after wave coursed through me.

By the time my mind regained enough control, the girl was too far gone to save, so I sucked her dry and got dressed again. Disappointed in myself.

I wasn't too keen on telling Bella what the result had been. So I was relieved that she didn't call me for almost a week and I was silently hoping that she had let it go.

When she finally did call me, I found myself smiling even before I picked up the phone.

"Hanging by a moment," I said.

"_Hmmm, don't know that one_."

"Lifehouse. You should, they're good."

"_Alright, mail it to me_."

"Will do. What's up?"

"_Nothing much. Sorry I haven't called you sooner. On both Edward's hunts, dad wanted to spend time with me_."

"That's okay."

I was actually glad that she apologized. I had become used to her phone calls and this meant that she had wanted to call me.

"_What have you been up to over there_?"

"Nothing much."

"_Aren't you bored to death?"_

"Something like that, yes," I chuckled.

"_Then why don't you move back in? I mean, you are feeling a little better, aren't you? And I think so are they. It's been four months_."

"I know. But it's not just the empath thing. It's the diet thing as well."

"_Oh, right_."

"You tend to forget what a monster I am. Or I fail to remind you. They don't forget."

"_But I'm sure they are not judging_." She didn't say I wasn't a monster...

"They try not to, but they do anyway. And I understand, they're all trying so hard to stick to animals. In fact, you are the most accepting one of them all. How ironic is that."

"_Well, I don't know what bloodlust is like, so I can't really know how they feel_."

"But that makes your acceptance even more special, that you don't know how hard it is for me to resist."

"_So, now you're just alone for weeks and weeks in a row?"_

"Pretty much, yes."

"_That's not right. They seriously don't want to see you?"_

"More like I don't want to see them and their judgment."

"_Oh. So if they weren't bothered by the diet, you'd want to see them?"_

"Yes."

Now I saw what she was getting at.

"Bella, I can't see you. It's too dangerous."

"_That's what Edward would say, yes. But didn't you say once that you are now more in control around humans? Not frustrated all the time with thirst?"_

"I did. But I wouldn't want to take a risk."

"_Look, Jasper, I want to see you, and I trust you. You're around humans a lot. If you're not thirsty, and if you tell me honestly when to leave, it can't be such a problem, right?"_

"Maybe not."

In fact, I was so lonely down here, that I was more than ready to invite her over. Even though I knew what a bad idea it was and how much flames we both would get if anyone found out.

Apparently she was thinking the same.

_"We'll figure something out. And then I'll meet you there."_

"Okay," I answered thankfully. Who knew I would grow to be grateful for Bella's pushy ways.

I could hear her take a deep breath and then she started "_Speaking of bloodlust… Do you remember our last conversation?"_

Shit. She didn't forget. Better change the subject fast.

"I do. I remember you deciding to try a massage with Edward. How did that go for you?"

"_It was a brilliant idea_," she answered and I could hear that she had a big grin plastered on her face.

I smiled as well.

"You're welcome," I said.

"_He's a natural. I should have guessed. He got me addicted already_."

"So you're on the right track." I was relieved. If Edward was doing great, she wouldn't need my experiment. After all, Edward has always been more in control as a vegetarian than me.

"_Well, not exactly. It only works so far. As soon as I get too excited, he pulls back. So that's why I've been meaning to ask_…"

She didn't continue, but I knew what she meant.

"Look Bella, about that experiment. We shouldn't compare. I've got my gift which is of a very high influence on both partners, and… just, we can't compare."

"_So it didn't work_."

"No."

She was silent and I felt sorry for her. She must be disappointed in me.

"_What went wrong?"_

"Bella, I'm sure you don't want any details."

"_I do. Maybe knowing what you know now could help, next time. Was it something she did?"_

She really wanted to know. So I pushed my embarrassment aside and started to explain.

"It was not something she did. She was… good. And I didn't hurt her during the sex, so that's good news as well. Just…"

"_What?"_

"At the end, when I came, I lost control and I bit her and sucked her dry."

"_Oh_."

That's right. Run for the hills.

But then she surprised me.

_"So next time don't come_."

"What?"

"_Try again. See if you can let her live without coming_." She sounded so determined while she should have actually been shy, telling me how to have sex.

"It's kind of the whole point, no?"

"_No. Not for Edward and me. I want to be intimate with him. We'll deal with orgasm later if that's the problem_."

"Oh." Now it was my turn for not knowing what to say.

"_So you'll try again?"_

"That would still leave us the fact that we can't compare, Bella. And what are you planning to do, tell Edward that you and I talk about this and force him, saying that if I can, he should too?"

"_Of course not. But I'll believe you if you say you tried everything and it's too dangerous. Then I'll let it go_."

"Promise?"

"_Promise_," she chuckled.

"Alright."

"_I gotta go now. But I'll get back to you if I've figured how to get there unnoticed_."

"Okay. Bye Bella." Don't be too long…

"_Bye Jasper."_

* * *

**AN: Some of you had volunteered as his guinee pig. Better let him get some practice first, huh? ;-)**


	14. Chapter 13 Jess & Ellie

**Chapter 13: Jess & Ellie**

**BPOV**

I was rummaging through my closet trying to find something decent to wear. Why was I this nervous? And since when did I care what I was wearing at all? After all, it was not like it was the first time he saw me and I was definitely not trying to impress him. So I decided on jeans and a T-shirt of one of my favorite bands, Radiohead. It helped knowing that it was one of his favorites as well.

It took a lot of planning and sneakiness, but two weeks after the decision was made we were finally meeting up. We had chosen neutral ground, a Starbucks in Port Angeles, a place where we were least likely to run into someone we know. But it wasn't that low key that people would turn suspicious if we were to be caught. Accidental encounters happen.

I cast one final look in the mirror and took a couple of deep breaths. _I'm doing this for you Alice_, I thought to her. _I miss you so much_. Ironically, if she were here, she would never have let me leave the house dressed like this. It would send her into a fit. On the other hand, if she was still around I had no reason to go see him…

I slowly made my way down the stairs and went into the kitchen to say goodbye to Charlie.

"Have fun shopping with Jessica," he said and flashed a grin at me. He knew how much I hated shopping.

"I'm sure I will," I said wryly, "you know Jess…"

I felt a little guilty about telling this lie to Charlie, but I had no choice. I could hardly tell him the truth. And it was only half a lie. I was actually meeting Jess. But Jess wasn't a girl. It's Jasper. It started off innocent enough with me answering my phone thinking it was Jessica from school and it turned out to be Jasper. He said that if I could call him something else, he wanted to call me Ellie. So we're Jess and Ellie now. It has a nice ring to it.

The drive to Port Angeles in my truck was slow and dull. My stereo broke down about halfway there and I had no choice but to finish the rest of the drive singing to myself. Sounds silly, but I wasn't used to the silence anymore. Music had filled a part of the hole Alice's death had made.

I arrived a little late and Jasper - no Jess - was already sitting, holding one of the comfortable armchairs occupied for me. I flashed him the biggest grin I could master and queued for a much needed coffee. The first thing I noticed about him was the redness of his eyes. I had expected it, but the intensity in them seemed to burn holes in me. Of course he noticed my nerves and sent me a little dose of calm.

Once I realized he was in touch with my feelings, I tried to get them under control, for his sake. I took a deep breath and pushed away every bit of nervousness and anxiety and I focused on how happy I was to see him. By the time I had my cappuccino and was walking up to the table, I was in total control of my feelings.

As a the true gentleman, he stood up from his own chair as I approached and took my coffee, so I could get my jacket off.

"How do you do that?" was the first thing he asked.

"Do what?" I asked in return, confused. "And hi, by the way." Awkward.

He chuckled. "I'm sorry. Hi as well." He grinned apologetically and somehow I sensed he was every bit as nervous as I had been when I walked in.

"How did you get your emotions in check like that?" he continued. "You were all over the place just minutes ago, and now the only thing I can sense coming from you is happiness."

I smiled, so my plan was working. "I'm happy to see you, so I'm only letting myself feel happiness. I don't know how I did it, but I simply pushed my other emotions away, focusing on the one I want you to feel from me."

"Wow, I didn't know you could do that."

I shrugged. I felt kind of embarrassed seeing how impressed he was. "I wasn't sure I could do it, that's why I wanted to meet you in person. Do you feel better now that I'm around?"

"Well, actually I do," he said after a moment's hesitation. "Human 1, vampire 0 on this one."

"So that makes it what, like 10 all?" I asked. The counting of the pro's and cons of being a human or a vampire was still one of our favorite pass times.

"It was 10-9 in favor of the humans, but it's 10 all if you count your flawed memory as a favor for us."

"Let's do that."

I sipped my coffee and took my time to assess his state. He looked like hell. Not because he was starved or anything, no he definitely looked well fed. But the red eyes were pretty disturbing and there was something indescribable in them. It was like he lost part of his humanity, and I realized in a very real sense it was lost. But that didn't frighten me, no sense of self preservation, like I had heard a hundred times before. It only made me more determined to help this man. I could have known he would pick up on that, because his brow furrowed and he looked at me intently.

"I sense some ulterior motive for meeting me, Ellie," he said and winked, which made his whole face light up. I liked my new name. But I guess he was right in his assumption.

"There's no hiding things from you, is there?" A piercing gaze answered my question and I sighed. "I was wondering if you might consider moving back to the house, now you know I can help."

He didn't answer and for the longest time we sat there in silence, me still sipping from my coffee, him staring at me. If he wanted to make me insecure, it wasn't going to work. I focused everything that I had on feeling happy feelings, so he'd know I wasn't kidding. It took a lot of my energy and after a while I felt drained, but I can be quite persistent, when I want to, so I kept it up. But somehow, he felt that I was crumbling and he changed the subject.

"What about Edward?" he asked out of the blue.

"What about him?" Did he mean, how are things going between me and him or what would Edward think if he returned home?

"Both," he answered my unspoken question. "I'm no mind reader," he added smilingly, "but I can sense your confusion."

"I don't think Edward would want to be in your mind, seeing as how you feed," I said rather crudely, annoyed that his stupid question broke through my barrier of happy feelings. And now of course was my annoyance surfacing as well, which made my happiness drift even further away. This was going to be extremely exhausting. I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to find my happy center again. It sounds really new age, but it helped and once again I felt the happiness well up inside of me.

"I know you're trying to distract me from proving my point, Jess," I spoke, "but it's not going to work. Now, as for the other question, that depends on your little experiment."

His eyes widened a bit in surprise. He probably didn't think shy little Bella was bringing this up in person. Well, he obviously didn't know how desperate I was.

"I'm working on it," he said quietly and I was sure that he would blush if he could, which in turn made me blush.

"So no breakthrough," I whispered. He shook his head confirming my suspicion. Actually that was quite a blow and I had to try hard to keep my eyes from watering up, so I looked down into my lap. I really expected him to figure something out. That meant it was up to me, to come up with another approach. Or maybe I was grasping at straws. I was so lost in thought that I didn't notice I let go of the happy feelings, replacing them with my own desperation.

Suddenly, he was in front of me on his knees, lifting my chin with his finger. I looked into his ruby eyes that were filled with so much compassion I could only just hold back a sob.

"Don't despair like that, darling, we'll work it out. I'll try harder. Hell, I'll do anything to make you stop feeling like this."

"Thanks," I whispered. Without thinking I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. He only hesitated a second and hugged me back strongly. I needed him just as much as he needed me and I felt comforted by that thought. When we broke the hug, I looked into his eyes, inches away from me, and saw he felt exactly the same as I did.

"You'll have to shower, when you get home," he said softly, taking a strand of my hair and tucking it behind my ear. "Edward will smell me on you now." He stood up and sat back down in his chair as if nothing happened. But I knew I had gotten through to him and chances were he was going to move back in soon.

We spent the rest of the day talking about music, movies and pretty much everything we thought about. I was still surprised at how easy it was to talk to him. I had known him and his family for over a year and I had no idea we could have been friends all this time.

* * *

**AN: Finally, they meet again... Happy?**


	15. Chapter 14 Friend

**Chapter 14: Friend**

**JPOV**

I had a friend. I was comfortable calling her that now.

Our time together in Port Angeles had done wonders for me. When I came home to my cabin, I found myself smiling. Determined to try harder for her. I had promised her.

She doesn't know I meant more than the experiment. I wanted to try harder with my diet as well. No matter how insignificant most humans are, some are very remarkable. And some of the girls I killed must be somebody's friend as well. Maybe most of them.

She was trying her hardest as well. It was pretty adorable to notice how she desperately attempted to influence her emotions. Adorable and impressive, because it actually worked. I should have told her that she was helping me even when she was feeling bad things, but somehow I didn't. It didn't matter if she believed she was doing it for me as long as she really felt the happiness she recalled. So I let her exhaust herself and immersed myself into the joy.

It affected me. I had been grinning most of the day.

But I noticed the underlying things as well. For instance when the waiter came up to us, and suddenly looked at me worriedly, asking me what had happened to my eyes. I quickly retorted with a cool attitude that it was gothic and Bella deadpanned "yeah, we're gothic". After that we had to struggle hard to keep from bursting to laughter, because emo's don't do that, but underneath this giddy feeling, I also registered that the red eyes bothered her as well. They even bothered me and I only saw my reflection in windows now and then.

So yesterday when I came back, I was filled with high expectations. I would be better, do better, and I would make my new friend proud.

The night however brought different things.

I hung on to the glow of her emotions as long as I could, but it slowly faded and the emptiness that was left – that should have been familiar to me – brought me to my knees. I recalled in my perfect memory how yesterday had been, but somehow it was distorted. It only highlighted the contrast to my loneliness now. A loneliness that pushed me down hard.

My hope and expectations were far gone. And I realized I needed her. Just to feel the emotions, have her around.

I can't be a better man yet. I can only be Jasper. Or Jess. And I prayed with all I had in me that that would be enough for now, that she would wait for me. I'm nothing on my own.

I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now.

And there was only one thing left for me to do. Call on my friend. She asked me to do so many times before, to call her when I need her. I never could have believed I would be so broken some day that I would actually do it.

I thought I was doing better. How wrong I had been.

So I picked up my phone, knowing that Edward was still on a hunting weekend, and I blindly dialed her number.

"Hey Jess."

"Hi Ellie," I whispered. And even though I couldn't feel her emotions right now, knowing that I wasn't alone made the blackness a little less dark.

"Are you okay?" she asked with a raspy voice.

"Shit, did I wake you?"

"That's okay."

"I'm sorry, I'm fine," I lied, "Just called to check if you took a shower?"

"Of course. What song are you listening to?"

"No song."

"Really? What's wrong?" she sounded totally awake now.

"There's no hiding things from you, is there?"

"You got it," she answered, and I could hear that she was smiling.

"Well, I had been doing well yesterday. But not so much anymore."

"Why not?"

"Something with fly high, fall deep, I guess."

"I can't come over now. But you could."

"No. I can't meet you at home. He'd smell me."

"True. Hmmm. Maybe we don't need to talk for you to feel better? You could stay outside."

That idea wasn't half bad. Why didn't I think of that without having to bother her?

Maybe because I had been too devastated by the pain that hit me all over again.

It was that night in her backyard, feeling how she made me sane again, that I made the decision to move back home.

They all invited me back in with open arms, even Edward did. I told them honestly, in an awkward conversation, that I wasn't ready to give up on my feeding habits, but they all believed that coming home was the first step in that direction. And for now, they let me be.

Even Edward. The only thing he asked from me was that I'd try to stay away from Bella, whenever she came over. He did bring her, knowing that it helped me, and I was grateful. I was also grateful for the brilliant idea of giving each other nicknames. I had the freedom to let my mind wonder of this Ellie girl, without having to hide. And since my name in her new cell was Jess, she didn't have to erase my messages immediately.

I was back home now for two weeks. I hadn't seen her again after that day, but now that I lived with Edward, I knew better when he wasn't with her, and I called her more often. I was slowly crawling back out that black hole that sucked me up after our meeting.

This time I wouldn't make the mistake of believing that I was better. I am aware that all I can do for now is to distract myself.

I had given the experiment a couple other tries, but my instincts were too strong. The sexual instinct as well as the vampire instinct. I would have to find a way to control the thirst and the desire at the same time, while still having sex with humans.

So far, no luck. I wish I could turn off my gift at times like that, because feeling desire flooding at me didn't help my case.

This afternoon, however, I didn't want to turn it off, as it was amusing me too much.

I was in the library trying hard to focus on the book I was holding, and upstairs in Edward's bedroom there was a couple making out. He knows I immerse myself in her emotions whenever she's around, whatever she's feeling. And he doesn't mind. Although I might have tried harder to hide my amusement.

In fact there were more feelings present as well. Emotions my mind didn't want to dwell on, because they were private.

Later in the evening, when he was bringing her back, I was wondering what it all had been.

Why I had been affected by the way they were feeling. I was used to human desire, but I was also used to act on it. It confused me, to feel the built up frustrations and make them my own. With this human, acting on it was very much forbidden, and not only because she was my brother's girl, but also because of the monster I was.

I had been jealous too, equally hard to admit. How I missed to have a connection to someone, like they had. To feel so much affection aimed at me. I have always believed that after Alice, there would be no other. But how I longed to be loved again…

I tried to ignore these thoughts and focused my attention back to my friend and the turmoil she had been in today.

I felt sorry for her. I know Edward loves her very much, but she doubts it. She doesn't tell him, but his holding back is hurting her. In a way I understand him, it's so dangerous to let go, even just a little bit. But on the other hand, I was also angry with him, for making her feel this way.

She believes, if my experiment would finally work, that she would be able to push his boundaries. But I'm not convinced of that. Edward can be quite the control freak. I don't think he will let her get too far.

Not without help that is. At that thought a wicked grin appeared.

* * *

**AN: What could Jasper be up to?**


	16. Chapter 15 Bitchy Bella

**Chapter 15: Bitchy Bella**

**BPOV**

It felt good knowing Jasper was back at home, where he belonged. Of course I had to hide the fact that I knew it from Edward, since Jasper had told me the news on the phone. I was starting to feel a little bit guilty that it had become so easy for me to hide things from Edward. But I wasn't going to feel guilty for helping Jasper, even though I knew that Edward was going to freak if he knew what I had been up to. Should I feel guilty for not feeling guilty? Oh great, now I'm reasoning in circles…

Back to reality then. I sighed deeply and picked up my algebra text book from my desk and sat on the bed with the book in my lap. How the hell am I going to make sense of all this? I regretted the fact that I had been slacking a bit in school and now I had to get help. I had told Edward I could do it on my own, but now I was going to have to ask for his help. I could already see the smug look on his face, but I knew I had to bite the bullet, so I called him. As always with those damn fast, omniscient vampires, he picked up after the first ring. Why was I even bothered with that?

"_Need some help with algebra_?" Edward answered his phone. Great. Making it worse.

"Yes. Apparently." No way was I going to be nice, when he's going to act all superior. He could get under my skin so easily sometimes. But that was maybe a bit too bitchy.

"Can I come over?" I softly asked.

"_Any time, you know that_." His voice was softer as well. I guess he figured out I wasn't in the mood for kidding around.

"I'm on my way. And I want to apologize beforehand for the mood I'm in. You're in for some heavy bitching and moaning."

"_Figured something like that when I heard the 'apparently'. Don't worry about it. I'll do my very best to cheer you up_."

Yeah, like that's going to work over algebra. I said goodbye and started to pack my books. Luckily Charlie didn't make a witty comment about my studying issues, because I was on the verge of exploding into a hysterical fit.

When I reached the Cullen house, Edward was waiting for me outside, without any trace of smugness, thank god for that. He actually was really patient with me and my foul mood and didn't complain once. And he managed to explain everything to me in a comprehensible way, so algebra was one less thing to fret about.

Now, I was lying on my side on his bed, flipping through the last few pages of the book. Edward was behind me, looking over my shoulder, his hand gently resting on my hip. To be honest, that was a major distraction, but I pretended not to notice so he would keep his hand there. He started tracing circles on my leg which sent a shiver down my spine. By now he should be realizing what he's doing to me. Or maybe he already knows and this is his way to improve my mood. It was definitely working, I thought with a smile.

He started placing soft kisses in my neck, what kind of gave his intentions away. I shuddered under his touch when he brushed the exposed skin of my side with his hand. His fingers slowly crawled under my shirt onto my belly and up towards my breasts. As he cupped my right breast with his hand a sigh escaped my lips and closed my eyes, letting go of the pretense of studying. I snuggled closer into his chest, earning a low growl from him when I felt his erection press against my ass.

This was the moment I expected him to pull back and I was mentally preparing myself for it. But he didn't and I liked what he was doing to me. His one hand kept roaming my chest while his other unclasped my bra. Meanwhile he kept kissing and nibbling at my neck and throat which was by far the sexiest thing he has ever done. The thought he could bite me every second was really turning me on. I tried to suppress that thought the next second, thinking my arousal would be too much for him to handle, but again he didn't stop. By that time, it was becoming harder to form coherent thoughts and I stopped thinking about anything and let it all wash over me.

A moan escaped my throat when his hand travelled south towards the waistband of my sweatpants. Without a moment's hesitation he slid his hand in them, slowly caressing me lower and lower. When his fingers slipped into my panties I had flash of nervousness which was quickly replaced with desire for what was to come. He passed them through my curls and I turned and twisted my hips a little so he had easy access to where I wanted him. As his finger touched my clit, I couldn't control my body anymore. My back arched and I moaned loudly. It didn't distract him at all and he started gently rubbing me. It was absolutely the best thing I've ever felt.

I turned to my back and Edward trailed his kisses to my stomach and then up to my breasts, pushing up my shirt. The combined sensation of his hand rubbing me and his soft bites on my nipples became my undoing. I tried to suppress my moans by biting on a pillow, but he pulled it away.

"I want to hear you when you come, Bella," he whispered in my ear and sucked on my ear lobe.

That was all I could take and I came, bucking my hips against his hand, screaming out his name. It seemed to last an eternity and when I came down from my high, I felt like I was on a cloud. I opened my eyes and saw Edward staring back at me and it was like I had forgotten how to speak. All I could do was smile. I had to have the biggest shit-eating grin plastered on my face, but I couldn't care less. I was happy and in love.

"I love you," was the first thing I managed to say.

"I love you too," he simply answered and hugged me.

We stayed in his bed, locked in an embrace until it was time for me to go home. We said our goodbyes in the hall, not for long because he would come to my room as soon as Charlie was asleep. Suddenly I saw movement in the corner of my eye and I turned. I gasped as I saw Jasper sitting in an armchair reading a book. For a minute I didn't know what to think or say.

"Don't be afraid, Bella," Edward said, misinterpreting my silence. "Jasper moved back in two weeks ago. He won't hurt you, you know that don't you?"

I nodded as Jasper raised his head to look at us. The moment his eyes met mine it hit me. If he had been here the entire time, he certainly would have heard me. Embarrassment washed over me and I felt my cheeks redden. As fast as that emotion rushed in it was pushed away by a feeling of peace and calm. And that's when my second realization came, Jasper had been controlling our emotions the entire time, probably making it possible for Edward and me to do what we did. I don't know how I knew, but when I saw Jasper's smile, I was sure of it. And that made me blush even more.

All this passed in a matter of seconds and Edward had no idea something was up. He did realize I was feeling a bit self conscious about me coming in front of an audience, because he whispered in my ear: "Sorry I didn't tell you he was here."

I huffed and once again my shame was replaced by something else, this time love and happiness. I flashed a quick smile at him and turned to Edward.

"It's fine, Edward. I'll live," I said and smiled. At this point I was just thankful the others were out hunting, because I didn't think I could have handled Emmett's jokes or Rosalie's scowls. We exchanged a quick kiss and I was heading home.

Back in my room I reached for my cell and typed a message.

_Hey Jess. I know what you did. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Ellie._

_

* * *

_**AN: We hope you liked Jasper's little plan... **


	17. Chapter 16 Good

**Chapter 16: Good**

**JPOV**

_Hey Jess, I know what you did. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Ellie._

I read her text over and over and I smiled. I knew she'd figure it out soon enough, and I didn't feel guilty for my devious plan. Especially not now.

My little plan had done all sorts of good, to both of them. I'm sure Edward knew as well, but he didn't talk about it. Maybe he was even grateful that I had been there, monitoring his feelings and relaxing his nerves. He knew I wouldn't risk him hurting Bella, as I needed the human company too much.

I quickly answered her text.

_You're welcome, anything for you, Ellie…_

As I was lively recalling this afternoon, her feelings and her sounds, the effect those had on me was relived as well. I had a feeling to have witnessed Bella's first orgasm, and it had been very emotional for her. Therefore it had a higher impact on me. I needed to hunt, not for blood, but for sex.

I ran to Seattle, got into a night club and searched the crowd. This time I wasn't looking for emptiness, I wanted some attraction. I have no idea what my type looks like, because in all my time with Alice, I never cared for anyone but her.

My red eyes fell upon a short brown eyed girl who seemed like she didn't want to be here. She tried to have some fun with her friends, but her eyes kept wandering around. Until she saw me too. I smiled at her understandingly, and to my surprise she smiled back at me, not at all startled by my eyes. I guess she was just so bored that anything new seemed interesting to her.

My choice was made. And it wasn't easy.

I talked to her, danced with her, and hinted that I was into more. The entire time she was in doubt as for what to do, but when her friends decided to leave, I offered to walk her home and she nodded.

Back in her apartment, we talked and flirted some more.

Somehow, I got her to make the first move and she crawled onto my lap, kissing me sweetly. I let her take the lead, and we kissed for a long time. Funny enough my instincts weren't taking over yet. I tried real hard to feel the emotional connection I craved so much. I remembered how Bella and Edward had felt towards each other, and projected that on this girl. Made love to her.

I let her warm my skin, somehow making me feel human. Less of a monster.

But I wasn't to be fooled. My tongue was swirling over the skin of her neck as she kept moaning, much like Bella had done this afternoon. I smelled the blood underneath that skin and my eyes were darkening already, venom pooling in my mouth. As my body was filling with pleasure, I realized how I was slowly getting ready to bite.

I closed my eyes and held onto the connection I felt towards her. Towards Ellie.

Wait. What was that?

An image which I couldn't control came into my mind. My hands roaming over soft warm flesh, gently moving hips against mine. Bella's hips. My mouth placing kisses over her face and her sensitive neck. My body deep inside her, approaching orgasm fast.

It was so real, I almost believed it. And what's even more disturbing is that I wanted to believe it.

I kept my eyes tightly shut and new unknown instincts were taking over. Protective instincts.

As my pleasure washed over me, I didn't bite, it didn't even occur to me. Instead I softly whispered her name. Ellie.

And it freaked me out.

I shifted back towards reality and saw big brown eyes staring up at me, filled with bliss and amazement. I can't believe I didn't see before, just how much this girl looks like my friend.

This is wrong. I should feel terrible now.

But all I can think of is calling her up and telling her the experiment worked. This girl didn't shed a drop of blood.

I pretended to be panting as much as she was, leaning back in the couch with closed eyes. Avoiding her gaze and avoiding conversation.

She nestled closer to me, probably assuming I would stay, but I needed to get away now.

Before I got up to get dressed, her brown eyes caught my gaze anyway.

"Will you call me, please?"

Well, that's a new one. The downside of keeping women alive.

"I'm sorry, honey. I won't. It's not you, it's me."

Her heart dropped and she murmured "haven't heard that one before". The pain of rejection she felt was familiar to me, and I believe no girl should feel this way.

"Listen, darling, the thing is… my girlfriend died this year. And I'm not over her. Not by far. So I don't know what I'm looking for, but it ain't no girlfriend. Do you understand?"

She looked up at me in silence, probably internally arguing whether to believe me or not. I continued.

"What we shared was something special. Something I have never shared with any girl before." Any human girl that is. "But this is it. I wouldn't be doing you any favors by staying in touch, believe me."

"But how can you say we have a connection and then leave that alone?"

"Because it could never be more than tonight. I knew that. I thought you did as well."

"I hoped…"

"Hope is good. But don't hope for me. Hope for a man that can give you what you deserve."

She sighed and leaned her head back.

"Do you want to talk about your girlfriend?"

"No," I instantly answered. After sleeping with a human while thinking of my best friend - her former best friend - missing Alice was the last thing I wanted to talk about.

Maybe the hurting over her and my present sins were all related. Maybe not.

I wasn't in a mood to dwell on it.

I blamed the afternoon events. Next time her and Edward are together, having an intimate moment, I would get the hell out of there.

I said goodbye to the girl, went home and put on some music, trying to hide my thoughts from Edward. All he was allowed to know was that I had slept with a girl without biting her, and that I had been thinking about this girl named Ellie. Her face however, and the fantasy that popped up during the sex, kept playing in my mind, so I had to leave the house.

And that's when I decided to do something I haven't done in a very long time.

I hunted animals.

It wasn't nearly as satisfying as human blood. But the taste was familiar. Reminded me of happy years. I kept hunting and feeding, until the sun was long up.

When I was calmed down enough to inform Bella on my experiment, I took out my cell and only then noticed that she had replied my message.

"_I know. I'd do anything for you too, Jess."_

The feeling this gave me inside was disturbing as well.

Without thinking I dialed her number. We agreed she would just reject the call whenever Edward is around.

She picked up cheerfully with "_Everybody's changing_." I could hear the Keane song playing in the background.

"You got that right," I huffed.

"_I was wondering why you didn't answer_."

"Sorry I made you miss me," I teased and she chuckled, "just noticed your message now."

"_You must have been very busy then_."

"Look who's talking."

I could almost hear her blush through the phone. But I didn't call her to tease her. In fact, I was happy for her. And even more happy about the news I had.

"Sorry Ellie, couldn't help it. I've got something that might interest you."

"_Tell me_."

"I've got a survivor of my experiment."

"_You do? Wow, that's great!"_

"I know. I'm quite proud of myself."

"_So how'd you do it? What was different?"_

"Um…" Shit. "Hard to explain."

"_Well, try. This could be important_."

"I guess I just felt connected with this girl and I didn't want her to get hurt. So since Edward loves you so much, I think you should be okay."

"_Only you are well fed, and he isn't_."

"Yes, that's a difference."

"_You think… nah, never mind_."

"What?"

"_No, it's nothing_."

"Tell me, Ellie. You know I'm as stubborn as you are."

"_I thought that maybe we'd be safer if you are around. Like yesterday_."

"Oh." She wanted me to be there for her first time.

"_I'm sorry. This is awkward. I just thought if you're able to control his feelings, you might be able to control the bloodlust as well_."

"It makes sense. I guess."

"_So you'll do it?"_

And risk being affected again? Blurring the lines between desire and friendship? I'm not too keen. But I can't tell her that. After all, this is so very important for her.

"I'll think about it."

"_Did I tell you you're great?"_

"Yeah."

"_Good."_

* * *

**AN: Do you think he should do it? Help her and Edward sleep together? Why or why not?**


	18. Chapter 17 Busted

**Chapter 17: Busted**

**BPOV**

I parked my truck in my usual space in front of Edward's house and walked up the front steps. Normally he would already be waiting for me by the door, but the only thing I saw was the closed front door. Just as I was about to knock, the door swung open, revealing Carlisle.

"Hi Bella, come in," he said, "Edward isn't back yet from his hunting trip. He tried to call you, but your phone is apparently switched off."

I walked in and took out my phone.

"Damn it, the battery's dead," I grumbled fumbling through my bag to find the charger. "Did he say when he's coming back, Carlisle?"

"He shouldn't be more than a couple of hours. You can stay here if you like."

I hesitated for a moment, not wanting to impose on them, but I really didn't want to drive back home. I nodded and went upstairs to put my bag in Edward's room. I wandered through the house a bit and decided to watch some TV.

When I got to the living room I was surprised to see Emmett and Jasper playing a video game together. I guess I shouldn't really be that surprised, they had been playing together online for months. No reason to stop now if it did make them feel better. I just didn't see the attraction of it all. As I approached them, they paused the game and turned to me.

"Hey Bells, want to join us?" Emmett asked and made some room on the couch for me. He was enthusiastically waving for me to come sit between him and Jasper. I quickly glanced at Jasper and he winked. Emmett, of course, misinterpreted my glance and was already joking.

"Come on Bella, or are you afraid he's going to eat you?" Emmett asked with a wicked grin and then ducked for the controller Jasper had flung at him.

"Don't listen to him, Bella," Jasper said with a smile. "He's just a dumb fool who likes lame jokes." This time it was Jasper who ducked when he saw the remote control flying at his face.

"We'll even put in another game, one that a human can play just as well as we do," Emmett said, trying to convince me with puppy dog eyes he was making at me. That was more than I could handle and I put my hands up in mock defeat.

"Ok, fine, I'll play with you guys. You'd better let me win or I'll tell Edward," I added as I sat down between the two of them. For a moment they were both silent, but then Emmett burst into laughter.

"We'll see about that little sis," Emmett chuckled as he handed me a steering wheel.

"So, what are we playing," I asked turning to Jasper. I wondered if I should act more uncomfortably around him, but I just couldn't. I was so completely at ease in his presence, I almost forgot he was still feeding on humans.

"Mario Kart on the Wii," he answered and started explaining what to do with all the buttons. It was actually pretty simple. I just had to imagine the little wheel in my hands was real and move it to make turns. But that was theory. Practice turned out to be hilarious. Never knew two grown men, vampires even, could look so funny.

I wasn't actually half bad. I didn't win a single race of course. But I managed to be third after the boys after a while. The better I got, the more I started to like the game and it wasn't long before I was yelling just as enthusiastically as they were.

Spending time like this with Jasper was great. Normally I was trying so hard to cheer him up, I was exhausting myself, but this came naturally.

And having Emmett as a chaperone was perfect. With him around the world seemed brighter, everything didn't look so grim when it was met with a joke. Too bad, Jess and I couldn't do that for ourselves. I understood why he needed Emmett so badly in those first months.

But it felt good to know that it was me he needed now. The smiles he gave me, when Emmett wasn't looking, told me that much. I was happy and he was too. He didn't need to project, I could see it in his face and most of all, hear it in his voice.

The race we were riding now was a close one. I was in the lead for now, with Jasper second and Emmett third.

Normally Emmett always won, so he was getting pretty agitated. Jasper couldn't help but taunt him, which made him even more frantic to win. He passed Jasper and rubbed it in his face, by dropping some bananas from his kart to make Jasper slip. Meanwhile I made a stupid mistake and Emmett passed me, taking the lead. When I got back on the track Jasper had also driven past me and I was back to my usual place, sulking a little. Right before they reached the finish, Jasper ran Emmett of the road, winning the game and I was second.

The first time I had beaten one of the vampires.

I jumped off from the couch, yelling: "I beat you, I beat you!" at Emmett. I turned to Jasper and we high fived like little children, so proud we had beaten the big bad Emmett.

Before I even knew it, I hugged him and he swirled me around. We were so at ease with each other, neither of us thought twice that we weren't supposed to be this comfortable.

A sharp intake of breath reminded us of Emmett's presence and Jasper let me go quickly. I was thinking of things to explain the way we behaved when I saw Edward standing frozen at the door. Emmett looked at us and then at Edward and took off, not wanting to be in the middle of this situation.

I had no idea what to say, but the expression on my face said more than I wanted to share. Edward was by my side in a flash, looking into my eyes. I bit my lip, anxious about what he was going to say.

"I would give anything to be able to read your mind right now," he softly spoke.

"Just ask and I'll tell you."

He nodded and glanced in Jasper's direction. "What have you been keeping from me, Bella?" he asked, and the hurt in his voice made my eyes tear up.

I looked at Jasper and he knew what I needed before I even asked it. He sent me a wave of calm and disappeared, giving me the chance to talk to Edward in private.

"First of all," I started, sitting down with Edward next to me, holding his cold hands in mine, "what I'm going to tell you has nothing to do with you. I love you to the moon and back and it was never my intention to hurt you."

"I love you just as much, Bella," he whispered and I felt my heart leap at this statement. He smiled a little when he saw the effect he had on me. I took a deep breath, gathering my thoughts. I knew I had to be careful how to tell the story, to save him from hurting.

"Jasper and I have been helping each other cope these last few months," I continued and Edward's smile disappeared, but he didn't interrupt me. "I called him to apologize after his outburst and we started talking. I've been calling him when you went out hunting. We realized that these phone calls made us feel better, just as my presence in the house had made him feel better before we had that fight."

"Why didn't you tell me that?"

"I don't know exactly. A number of reasons I guess. We weren't good at talking back then, both having our own issues. And because I didn't think you'd understand. You were so judgmental over his behavior, that I didn't think you'd be happy if you knew I was talking to him. And I couldn't handle fighting with you over it."

He closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. "You're right," he said, "I'm not particularly happy with that and I would have fought over it. I don't blame you for keeping that from me then."

I was surprised he wasn't mad at me. Well, he was going to be when I told him the rest. Not that I was planning on telling anything about our experiment. That would forever be between Jess and me. But I had to tell him about our meeting and what I had accomplished with that. And maybe, just maybe, Edward would understand that what I did was for the entire family.

God this was difficult. I had a hard time swallowing back my tears. My next few words were going to hurt him so bad, it was breaking my heart.

"We've met up as well, Jasper and me." The words hadn't all left my mouth when Edward grabbed me by the arms.

"You did what?" he yelled, giving me a scare, because he had never raised his voice with me. "What were you thinking? You could have been killed."

He was hurting me by holding me like that, but I had to calm him down first before he would realize that. Again I bit back my tears, this time tears of pain.

"Edward, listen to me. I wasn't hurt. We've met in a public place. There was never any danger. Jasper's control is better now than it was on animal blood. He wasn't even tempted once. I'm fine." I emphasized the last sentence trying to get through to him.

He held on to me for a couple more seconds and let me go. I rubbed my arms to get the blood flowing again and now Edward looked ashamed. He wiped my tears away with his thumb in a gesture that was in sharp contrast with the way he reacted seconds earlier.

"I'm sorry," he said obviously disgusted by the way he had reacted, "I didn't mean to hurt you." He leaned back in the couch and closed his eyes.

"I didn't mean to hurt you either, Edward," I said and a small sob escaped my lips.

He opened his eyes again and stared at the ceiling. "Tell me what happened during you meeting." He sounded so empty and pained, I desperately wanted to hug him, to make things right, but I had to finish my story first. I needed him to understand why I did it.

"We talked and I manipulated my emotions so he would feel happier. You see, being around vampires with their strong, never changing emotions, was too much for him. I made sure happiness was all he could feel and it made him stronger. This is the reason he has come home, my emotions."

I held my breath as I waited for him to say or do something. And then he surprised me by kissing me softly on my forehead.

"I can't blame you for being the person you are, Bella." I was at a loss for words. "You have this amazing ability to see the best in everyone, even us vampires. I'm not going to be mad at you for that. Although I think what you did was extremely dangerous, I'm thankful for the fact that you've brought my brother home."

He kissed me passionately and I hugged him tightly. The feeling of relief that washed over me was too much and I broke down in sobs.

Edward picked me up and carried me to his bed, where we stayed, hugging and declaring our love all night...

* * *

**AN: Maybe not what most of you wanted or expected, but Bella loves Edward too much to let him go just yet... Hope you're not too disappointed.**


	19. Chapter 18 Untouched

**Chapter 18: Untouched **

**JPOV**

I stayed well out of reach, and so had no idea what she had said to him. I wouldn't risk calling her tonight either. Edward kept his calm, but inside he was boiling.

The next days I avoided him as much as I could. I felt his hurt at her distrust in him and I felt him poking into my brain for answers. He saw images and pieces, and I'm sure he saw Ellie as well. From the anger and pain I picked up, I knew he was making wrong conclusions, so by the end of the week, I stepped over to him and mentally asked him to talk to me.

We went outside to get privacy and he immediately fired a first question at me, as if he had been dying to ask me all along.

"That day you meddled with my emotions to get me to do things, was that a big conspiracy between the two of you?"

I was relieved that this was a question I could answer truthfully. I shook my head earnestly.

"Of course not. She had no idea. I take full responsibility for that plan. I shouldn't have meddled, but you both deserved a break."

"Indeed you shouldn't have," he answered coldly, but I felt that he was relieved with my answer.

We had been going behind his back, but never had bad intentions. We only wanted to be friends and everything she said about him was filled with love.

"I only wanted to help, Edward. And she only talked to me because she wanted to help me, I swear."

"I don't need your help," he said insulted.

"No you don't. But you don't know that. You can give in without hurting her."

I flashed him images of girls I slept with lately without biting, but I saw him flinch and understood that I was not helping this way.

"I know you both didn't mean any harm, Jasper. But that scene in the living room I witnessed… You have to admit, if you were in my shoes… Knowing how you feed…"

"I would never…" I started, but he interrupted me.

"That's what you said before as well, until Alice had her vision."

It felt as though he had punched me in the face. Throwing something at me that hadn't even happened. Something I beat myself up for every single day.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that," he immediately corrected. I simply stared at him.

"She's everything for me, Jasper," he explained.

"I know that. And now she's important to me as well."

"Just don't hurt her. In any way."

"I won't. You have to notice it's helping her too. She believes she's influencing her emotions for me, but in fact she's just making herself happy by recalling positive things. And I show her that I need her. That's how she feels better."

His gaze softened, he knew I was right.

"I really hate how close you are," he admitted, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to steal your girl. I feel how much you both love each other every day."

"Good."

"So you'll allow us to stay close?"

"I haven't really got a say in this, have I? If I say no, you'll find a way, won't you _Jess_?"

I looked down and nodded.

He shrugged and then said softly "so go ahead. Be her friend. Help her cope. But if I catch you touching her again… I don't know. Just don't touch her. It's too dangerous."

"It's really not. But I won't if it's that important to you. Our friendship is mainly based on phone calls anyway."

The next weeks passed by peacefully.

Bella came by often and we didn't hide our friendship anymore. I know it hurt Edward, but by hiding we would hurt him even more. This way he could see with his own eyes that we were just buddies, talking about music and stuff.

His insecurity however, had prevented them from making any further sexual explorations, so they were back to frustrating each other with heavy make out sessions.

Much to my discomfort.

One day, when me and Bella had gone for a walk during Edward's hunting trip, the subject somehow shifted towards sex again. It seemed to me that lately there wasn't much else on her mind. And I didn't mind.

We ended up walking straight to the cabin, where we came often to listen to music as I had done in the months I lived there. We both lay on our backs on the king size bed, staring up at the ceiling and humming along with Muse.

She sighed deeply and I looked sideways at her.

I chuckled at her frustrated, even pained expression, and she looked sideways as well.

"Poor sex deprived Ellie."

"I wouldn't say sex deprived, because that goes for all virgins. I'm just hurt that he won't touch me anymore."

"I think you are sex deprived. You'd be so much happier if you get him to cave. Work your charms girl, I'm sure he wouldn't be able to resist, if you, you know, try harder."

I winked at her and she blushed.

"Well, that's easy for you to say. You can lure in any girl with your gift."

"Hey, I can get any girl without my gift as well," I answered in mock insult.

"Yeah right. I bet you used your gift on every single one of the humans you seduced, I bet you just can't help it."

"You want a bet? I've got another one for you," I said with a wicked grin.

"Bring it on," she shouted, glad to be distracted from her own peculiar situation. Or so she thought.

"I bet that I can make you drop dead horny without gift, or touching or talking."

"No way!" she exclaimed, laughing out loud.

"You don't believe me? You accept the bet then?"

"What's the stake?"

"Just the honor of being right."

"You're on," she said, with a challenging look. She was so determined to have me failing.

I sat up on the bed and looked at her laying before me. Oh this was going to be fun.

"Are you trying yet? 'Cause I'm not feeling it, Jess," she dared me some more.

"Nope not trying yet. Do you trust me?"

"Just start the show, Casanova," she laughed, pointing from me to the floor in front of the bed, while she sat up straighter against the headboard.

She probably expected me to give her a strip show, but instead I crawled over to her, staring into her eyes, until I was right next to her and then I lifted my hand and brought it to her cheek.

"Hey, no touching," she said, still smiling. Underneath I detected some nerves though.

I kept looking at her seriously "I won't touch. Just trust me."

My hand floated right above her skin and moved from her cheek, slowly to her neck. Her head tilted just the slightest bit, exposing more of her neck. I watched her pulse, but then lifted my gaze back to stare into her eyes. She wasn't smiling anymore. She just looked right back.

My hand lowered further, still not touching her but so close I could feel her warmth on my fingertips. Over her right breast and down to her waist. Agonizingly slow.

I swear she could almost feel my graze on her skin that was starting to burn.

"What are you doing?" she whispered, confused but slowly filling with desire anyway.

"I'm not doing anything," I whispered back.

My hand moved lower, round her hip and over her thigh. Her eyes were now intently on my fingers.

"Can you feel me, Ellie?" I whispered. "Because I sure can. You are so gorgeous. You have no idea how much I want to touch your right now."

She swallowed and her heartbeat raised.

I leaned in closer so she could feel my breath against her ear "the things I'd do to you, if you were mine..."

She shivered, but tried to remain her cool, by stuttering "Oh yeah? Like what?"

Her feelings told me another story. She wasn't cool at all. She wanted me to tell her so she could imagine those things.

My hand moved back up, hovering over her breast, almost caressing it, my fingertips right above her hardened nipple.

"If you were mine, I wouldn't keep my hands away from you, ever," I breathed against her neck.

I didn't need my gift to notice what I did to her, as her sweet aroma filled my senses.

The only thing that kept me from grabbing her and doing what I wanted to do, was the hurt my brother felt. He forbid me to touch her. This was only a bet.

And boy was I winning it.

I softly blew over the sensitive skin of her neck and went for the final kill by saying "If you were mine, you wouldn't be a virgin anymore, Ellie."

She gasped and then suddenly pushed me away from her.

I sat down at the end of the bed, and she was furiously blushing and slightly panting.

Still smelling so delicious.

I didn't feel triumphant however. Only frustrated, because I wanted her so bad.

But I played my part and simply said "I win."

She shook her head, still not ready to give in.

"Come on, Ellie, you can't tell me in all honesty you're not drop dead horny right now."

"I am," she admitted, "but you cheated, the bet was no words, so I win."

She had a smug expression on her face, but inside she felt just as confused as I was.

About these new feelings.

We looked into each others eyes for a long time. Too long maybe.

And then I finally tore my gaze away and said "you should probably go home and shower, before Edward gets back."

She nodded. "You take me there?"

It would be a lot faster than having her walk back to her truck and then drive home and back, so I agreed. How much harder could it be, than what we just did?

So I lifted her onto my back and closed my eyes one second, when my hands held her soft thighs and her warm arms wrapped around my chest.

I regained control and started running to Forks. She squeezed her eyes shut in terror from the speed, which was a good thing, because it washed frustrated feelings away, and we didn't speak a word.

Her frustrated feelings washed away at least. I was still very much aware of her hot breath in my neck and her soft body pressed against my back.

I dropped her off in the garden and told her I'd wait for her.

And then added "we probably shouldn't talk about today anymore, or even think about it."

"Can I ask you one thing though?" she said.

"Of course."

"The things you said, was it part of the plan? Or did you really mean them?"

How easy it would be to lie to her right now. But I couldn't.

I just looked at her in silence, and she understood, before turning around and entering the house.

* * *

**AN: Who do you think is the big winner in this dangerous game?**


	20. Chapter 19 Tonight's the Night

**Chapter 19: Tonight's the night**

**BPOV**

Jasper's little bet had left me all hot and bothered. And confused.

_If you were mine, you wouldn't be a virgin anymore, Ellie._

His words were echoing through my head. He meant every word he had said. And I believed him. I believed he could do it, have sex with me and keep me alive.

But did it mean that he was in love with me as well? Did he want to make love to me or was he just being a guy? I didn't know how to make sense of it all. My best guess was that my frustration was simply getting to him and that's why he behaved like that.

And there was only one thing I could think about that could fix this mess.

I was going to sleep with Edward.

Once I had made my decision I was getting nervous. Edward was coming over in a couple of hours and Charlie was working the night shift, so the timing was perfect. I showered, shaved and groomed myself to the best of my abilities trying to prepare for my big night. To calm my nerves a bit, I decided to text Jasper.

_Tonight's the night. I'm a bit nervous. Wish you could calm me down over the phone._

Seconds later my phone rang.

"Hi Jess," I sighed in the phone.

"_I can calm you over the phone, you know_," he opened.

"Oh really," I said skeptically.

"_Don't you know I can do anything?"_ he retorted and I could imagine the wicked grin on his face.

"You're a real hero, Jasper, aka Emotion Control Man," I said keeping my voice as flat as possible.

"_Don't you make fun of me, you petty human. Don't you know not to mess with vampires, for they are volatile creatures, easily distracted and quick to anger_." His voice had turned solemn as if he was reciting from some ancient play and it made me laugh.

He was right, he could calm my nerves over the phone.

"_But seriously, Ellie, you're going to be nervous anyway. It's your first time and it's normal to be nervous and excited_."

"Do you remember what you've promised?" My heart was pounding like crazy, now I was bringing this back up. Wasn't the whole point of it that he should be rid of all the frustration? And now I was dragging him back in…

"_I do_," was all he said. Damn, he was going to make me say it, that I wanted him around when I had sex with Edward.

But before I could speak, he said "_I only promised I'd think about it_."

"Right."

"_Do you really want me to be there? Are you sure? Because it could become all sorts of awkward_."

"It would really make me feel better," I admitted. I heard nothing for a minute and then a sigh.

"_I'll do it. But I'll have to stay out of Edward's range, so I'll be quite far away_."

"So far away that you won't sense me anymore?"

"_Probably not, I'm getting tuned in on your feelings, so I can sense you from pretty far away_."

"That's a relief."

Awkward silence.

"So, do you have any last minute pointers for me?"

"_Actually, I have. It might be easier on him if you take control_."

"Okay, thanks Jess."

"_Good luck_."

When Edward came into my bedroom that night, he looked off. He seemed slightly irritated and his eyes were a shade darker than they should have been after a hunt.

Also, and this was a good thing, he wasn't holding back with me at all, like he had done the last couple of weeks. The first thing he did when he saw me, was pulling me up against him and kissing me fiercely. That definitely was a good start of the night.

I pulled him on my bed and we started making out. His hands were all over me, like they had rarely been before. It is then I remembered Jasper's comment that I should be in control and I tugged at Edward's shirt and he removed it quickly. I drank in the sight of his naked torso and he chuckled at me and kissed me again, effectively stopping my staring.

My hands were roaming his chest and his arms and after a while, after I had gathered enough courage, I let them trail down.

When I reached his belt and started to unbuckle, he stopped kissing me and looked straight into my soul. His beautiful eyes had turned black completely and I bit my lip in eager anticipation of what was to come. Since he didn't stop me, I unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his fly and slowly slid the zipper down. His erection sprang free, barely stopped by the thin fabric of his boxer shorts.

"Take it off," I whispered, and I was surprised at how thick and seductive my voice sounded.

"Only if you're naked as well," his reply came and he sounded as much affected as I was. He didn't need to say that twice, for I was dying to see what he looked like. I took off my tank top and shorts, revealing I had gone commando.

A low growl escaped him and before I could register, he was naked as well. I swallowed hard, when I saw the size of him, afraid that it was never going to fit. Not that I knew what a normal size should be, having no experience at all with penisses. Is that even the right plural? Oh god, what am I thinking about now? Focus, Bella, focus, you don't want to scare him off. This is going to happen tonight.

My inner turmoil didn't last long, but Edward had noticed and pulled me towards him. Before he had a chance to say something I kissed him, hard and passionately, to show him I didn't have any doubts. We laid there for a long time, naked next to each other, only kissing.

When I had calmed my nerves yet again, I was taking back control. I pushed against his chest to make him roll on his back, commanding him not to move. I trailed wet kisses down his chest, around his belly button, until I reached his pubic hair. There I paused and mentally prepared myself for what I was about to do. I sat back on my knees next to him and grabbed his cock firmly in my right hand. He growled and his eyes rolled back into his head for a moment.

Encouraged by his reaction, I started moving my hand slowly up and down. I couldn't close my fingers entirely and this was wearing me out quite quickly, so I changed my game plan. I lowered my head and licked at the tip of his dick. Edward's eyes shot open and he gasped, but didn't stop me. So agonizingly slow, I took his cock in my mouth, my eyes never leaving his. His hands went to my head and with his fingers fisted in my hair, he started guiding my head up and down.

Going down on him like that, was getting me extremely hot as well and I felt myself getting dripping wet. That must have excited him even more, because he pulled me up and in a flash I was underneath him. Without saying a word, he put his knees between my legs, prying them open.

He was lowering himself on me when I realized he had taken over and everything was going a bit too quick for me now. I didn't even have the chance to let him know that, when he tore me open.

I moaned loudly at the intrusion. He had trust himself fully into me and I felt like I was being ripped to pieces. The pain was almost more than I could bare and I could only just bite back a scream. Instead, I let out another moan, which Edward clearly mistook as a sign of pleasure, as he started moving inside of me.

His head was buried in my pillow, muffling his groans of pleasure and I was glad he didn't see the tears rolling off my cheeks. I had expected pain, but not like this and I had expected it to fade, but it was only getting worse. So I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, waiting for it to be over, this moment I had been dreaming of for so long.

Edward didn't take long to finish. As he let out a loud growl, I felt his cold seed fill me up. It was actually kind of soothing and I welcomed it.

He lifted his head from the pillow and he looked into my eyes, still buried inside me. His face dropped when he saw my tears, but I smiled to let him know I was fine.

"It was always going to hurt, Edward," I told him to ease his conscience and he nodded. His honey eyes looked sad, but there was still a hint of his blissful state left and he smiled back at me.

He started to pull out of me carefully, not wanting to cause anymore harm.

Suddenly his eyes turned pitch black again and he jumped off the bed. In one second all his clothes were back on and the next second he was gone from my room.

The only thing that remained was the smell of sex and blood, the blood that I had shed when he took my virginity.

* * *

**AN: So... not really what Bella had expected it to be. Your thoughts?**


	21. Chapter 20 Knowing

**Chapter 20: Knowing**

**JPOV**

I pulled my teeth out of her flesh when I heard my cell phone buzzing. I jumped out of the window and saw her name on the screen. Ellie. How long has it been? Two hours?

"Hi Ellie," I said. Of all things to say, this was the lamest, but I really didn't know what else to say.

"_Hi Jess_," she answered, with a thick voice. She shouldn't have been crying. Sure it hurts, the first time. But not like this. Not emotionally. At least not when you're both so in love.

"Did you get my message?" Another stupid thing to say. Of course she got it. I asked her to call me whenever she was ready.

"_Yeah. Where are you?"_

"I'm in Seattle," I admitted. I had wanted to stick around for her. But I couldn't. The urge to run over and bust in was too strong. This was something between her and Edward. None of my business.

"_Oh. So you were… hunting?"_

"Um… yes." The only thing that could keep my mind of today.

"_For blood or for sex_," she tried to joke, but her voice cracked.

The answer was for both, but I couldn't tell her that. Not after Edward had made her bleed and then had wanted to bite her.

I wouldn't tell her my sex partner was now bleeding empty on the carpet. She tasted good, it was a waste, but this phone call was way more important.

"I don't know what to say, Bella. Do you want to talk about it? Or need me to distract you?"

"_Neither I guess. I just wanted to hear your voice. I thought he would be back by now_."

"You haven't heard from him?"

"_Yes. He sent me a text saying how sorry he was, but when I tried to call him, I got no answer_."

"He probably ran to the mountains to feed as much as he can. There's no cell signal there."

"_Maybe_." She sounded hopeful. This option hadn't occurred to her. Damn Edward for making her believe you ran out on her.

"Do you want me to meet you somewhere?"

"_No. I'm staying right here in case he comes back. And you probably shouldn't come here, because of the smell_."

"He'll understand."

"_I don't mean your smell_." Oh, I see. The blood.

"Well in that case he better not come over either."

"_Hmmm. Perhaps_."

"I'm sure it will all be fine, darlin'. I think your expectations were just too high. You've been waiting and almost planning this for months, so you were bound to be disappointed."

"_All I wanted was for him to make love to me, Jess_," she whispered.

"That's what he did, right?" I had felt plenty of love. Didn't she know?

"_It didn't feel like it. He hardly looked at me. And he didn't touch me, he just… pushed in_."

The rage in me was firing up again. I knew she would be hurt, but hearing now that he had done nothing to soothe her pain, angered me to no end.

"_Jess, are you still there?"_

"I'm here. Listen. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm running to the cabin right now. And you put on some nice music, and then we'll talk until he gets back from his hunt."

I didn't know if he was hunting or brooding over hurting her, both were highly possible, but I thought it better if she believed the first.

We didn't mention today anymore. Instead we analyzed music lyrics until we got too poetic and then bashed some TV shows we both hated.

I felt that she was getting really tired, but she stubbornly tried to stay up for him. From time to time she babbled nonsense when she was starting to drift off. Until I finally ordered her to sleep, telling her I would go find Edward myself.

She merely hummed in consent and the connection was broken.

I ran to her house to pick up Edward's trail and was reassured when I heard her steady breath and felt her peaceful mind.

I had been right, the trail led straight to the mountains, where he had fed on three kills and then roamed around aimlessly.

I found him sitting on the ground against a rock, and the state he was in turned my anger towards concern.

I wanted to text Bella, but noticed that I had no signal either.

I knew if I stayed here, he was going to read things in my mind I didn't want him to know. But he was still my brother, so I sat down next to him.

"I know," I said, before he could read it. "I was around. I'm sorry."

"I figured you would. Quite protective over Bella, aren't you?"

I didn't know what to say to that, except for the truth.

"Yes."

"Well you didn't do a good job protecting her today, Jasper."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. I almost bit her," he snarled.

"But you didn't."

"Not because of your protection. I don't know how I was able to run. I wanted it…" He shook his head in disgust.

"I wouldn't have been able to stop you if I had been in the same room. But I would have been in time to turn her."

"Turn her?" He looked at me with a shocked expression.

"Yes. Save her if you slipped."

"It could have been worse, but I still messed up, Jasper."

"Yeah, I think you did. But you can make it right again. She's waiting for you to make it right."

"How? This was her one and only first time."

"She doesn't care for that. She only cares for you."

"Does she tell you that?"

"Only all the time."

"You see, I get another feeling. To me it seems as if all she ever talks about anymore is you."

"Well me and her do have a lot in common, and our friendship has helped us both."

"Who are you kidding, Jasper?"

"It has."

"Friendship," he repeated with a disgusted face. "Don't lie to the mind reader."

Panic was slowly creeping up but I controlled it, and I calmed him down as well.

"I can swear that it's no lie if I say that we are friends," I said slowly, carefully choosing my words.

He turned his face towards me and looked at me.

"I'm sure you are friends, Jasper. But I see different things as well. I can't read her, but in your mind I see… enough."

"Okay. So I'm attracted to her. I'm a single man and my best friend is a beautiful girl. Is that a crime?"

He sighed and rested his head back against the rock in a very human movement.

"So it's just sex that makes you want to hold her at night?" He asked so soft it was almost too quiet for me to hear.

But I heard alright, and as his words pierced through me, I had to gasp for air. He knows much more than I was ready to admit.

"I just…" I started, actually thinking of ways to run from here.

"You don't have to explain. I get it."

"No, you get it wrong. Alice has been gone for so long now. You have no idea how much I miss her. I don't allow myself to think about her when someone is around, because I have no control over my gift and you would all end up miserable. But believe me, I miss her so bad. And sometimes I wish I had someone to hold at night. Someone _like_ Bella. Not her. But like her. She knows my pain."

"If the knowing you is a plus, than you do mean her."

"No. I mean I want to find somebody that knows me, like her. And that I can trust, like her. You and me, we talked about it before. I said I wouldn't touch her and I haven't."

"I know. But I still get the feeling you're out of line."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I really don't want to screw this up. Honestly, would I be here helping you, if now would be the perfect opportunity to make a move on her?"

He let it drop and stared in front of him again.

"So did you talk to her?"

"Yes. She's worried about you and I told her you were probably hunting."

"Worried about me? I almost rape her and then I almost kill her, and she worries about me."

I almost flinch at his choice of words.

"Sounds like her."

"Yes it does," he said, shaking his head.

"So what you should do now, is get back, call her up, and tell her how much you love her."

Because I don't think she knows.

"She doesn't?"

"Not enough. And tell her you'll try again and do better."

Without the blood it should be easier.

"She'll be sleeping. I'll wait till the morning."

"No don't. Don't let her wake up and check her phone to see nothing. Do it right now."

I got up and stretched out my hand to help him up. Vampires don't need pulling hands, but I just wanted to reach out to him and show him my intentions were honorable.

Despite the fact that I want her like crazy and think about her every night.

I just have to snap out of that. Because I know she's my brother's girl.

I just _have_ to.

He grabbed my hand to jump up, released me, nodded once, and we ran back together.

* * *

**AN: Now you know how Jasper felt and how he reacted... Are you surprised?**


	22. Chapter 21 Concert

**Chapter**** 21: Concert**

**BPOV**

I woke up in the cold hours before dawn, disoriented and sore and worst of all alone.

I put on the light, hoping I could see him sitting in my rocking chair, but he wasn't there. He hadn't come back. He didn't even call or text me after that lame apologize I got early in the evening. Why did he leave me like this? Didn't he care what this was doing to me?

As I was thinking about how he left me, my disappointment and hurt was slowly being replaced with anger. I understood that he had to leave to control his bloodlust, that wasn't the problem. The real problem was that he didn't come back when he was back in control. Like he didn't care anymore.

In the back of my mind I knew that he did care and that he loved me very much, but in that moment my insecurities were getting the better of me. I felt cheap and used and I was in ruins basically. And that made me angrier than I had ever been. I am known to throw the occasional temper tantrum, but I've never been as furious as I was then.

That's when I decided that I wouldn't be hurt by him anymore. I still loved him more than I loved my life, but something inside me broke and from now on there would be a wall around my heart. His rejection, his indifference, his protectiveness, it would all break on the wall and I wouldn't be able to feel like this any longer.

Sitting alone in my room with no one to talk to or yell at, my rage was slowly fading away until at dawn I was left with nothing. I felt completely empty and exhausted.

Just as I was about to go back to bed to get a little sleep before Charlie got home, Edward appeared through my bedroom window. I looked at him and felt my face going blank. I didn't even have to energy left to feel mad at him anymore. He was too late and he knew it.

For the longest time we stared at each other from across the room without saying a word, all the while the expression on his face was getting more and more pained.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he finally whispered, taking a step closer to me, hands stretched out for me to hug him. If he did that a couple of hours ago, I would have thrown myself into his arms, but now… Now I didn't know what to do. There was one thing I knew I wouldn't do and that was cry. I had shed all the tears I could shed over him, only the emptiness remained.

When he saw I wouldn't come to him, he cracked. He fell on his knees in front of me looking at the floor, his shoulder shaking in silent sobs.

"Please Bella, be mad at me, yell at me, tell me what a monster I am," he pleaded through the sobs, "I can handle anything, but not this. I love you so much. I can't lose you."

That last sentence broke through and I sank on my knees in front of him, cupping his face with my hands to make him look at me.

"Never doubt for a second I don't love you, Edward. I love you with all my heart," I said truthfully and relief washed over his face. "But you've done something I can't easily forgive right now," I added, "and it's going to take some time to get over it."

He nodded and I could see in his eyes how much he loved me.

"I'll never leave you like that again, Bella. I know it was wrong and I'll spend the rest of our lives making it up to you."

"No," I almost yelled. "You don't need to do that. I don't want this to stand between us. But I do need some time apart. To get my mind around things."

I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I needed to process this without him, take some distance. I had been looking forward to my first time for so long, but I never imagined it ending up like this. And I wanted to figure out what it all meant. Luckily Edward understood and with a chaste kiss on my cheek he disappeared again, this time leaving me quite relieved.

I went back to bed and slept a few hours and woke up to feel rather happy instead of sad or angry or disappointed. So I knew what was going on.

"You can come in if you want to," I said, not even raising my voice. A second later, Jasper was in standing my room, looking slightly embarrassed.

"I thought you wouldn't notice," he tried to apologize, but didn't stop sending me happy feelings, which earned him a frown from me.

"Oh, come on, Ellie. I'm just returning a favor," he reacted. "This is what you've been doing to me the last couple of months, so it's only fair I get to cheer you up now."

The face he was making at me won me over in the end. He could be scary sometimes, but when he wanted to he looked cuter than a puppy. And who can resist that? I definitely couldn't. So I let him make me feel happy.

But that wasn't all. He told me to get dressed and get ready to go out, because he had a surprise for me. He knew all too well I hated that, but since he was making me feel happy, I couldn't really protest.

When we stepped out of the front door, I expected him to drive me somewhere or maybe carry me on his back. What I didn't expect was the motorcycle that was standing in front of me. He smiled at me innocently and handed me a helmet. I suddenly felt better about my choice of outfit, which consisted of jeans, shirt and sweater. He also gave me a leather jacket to keep me warm, not to prevent me from getting hurt when we should fall. As a vampire he was a little offended with the suggestion he didn't have total control over the bike, so I didn't mention it again.

We drove all the way to Seattle and it was exhilarating. The wind was tearing at my clothes and the speed made me feel like I was flying. Jasper was sharing my excitement and projecting it back at me, so by the time we got to our destination I was a little disappointed I had to get of the bike.

"So what's the surprise," I asked for the umpteenth time, but I got nothing from him. He took my hand and we walked in silence to where a large crowd was gathering.

"You're taking me to a concert?" I pried and he nodded.

"It's a concert Alice and I had been planning to go to. I've had the tickets for over a year now and I wasn't planning on going. But I realized you needed a distraction and this is the perfect opportunity."

"Jess, you didn't have to do this," I exclaimed, feeling guilty for reminding him of Alice. "Are you okay?" I added.

"I will be. And that's all because of you."

I smiled and gathered all the happiness I had in me, so he could feel it and feel a little less depressed. Of course he knew what I was doing, but he didn't tell me to stop. He only looked at me very intently and gave me a big hug.

"Let's go inside," he said and turned away, grabbing my hand again.

"Wait, who's concert is it? You didn't tell me."

"K's Choice."

I hadn't heard from them, but Jess assured me I would like their music. And since I trusted his judgment I had nothing to worry about. It turned out to be a low profile concert for about 500 people and I had the time of my life. The music was really good and I decided to buy at least one of their CDs when the show was over.

Jasper sang along with most of the lyrics which made me pay close attention to them. We made a lot of fun changing the lyrics so they would fit our current situation. It got quite intense when they played one of their hits, called 'Not an Addict' and his own lyrics got a little personal.

_Breathe it in and breathe it out__  
__And pass it on, it's almost out__  
__We're so creative, so much more__  
__We're high above but on the floor _

___It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
__If you don't have it you're on the other side  
__The deeper you bite in her vein  
__The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain  
__I'm in heaven, I'm a god  
__I'm everywhere, I feel so hot _

___________It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
__If you don't do it you're on the other side  
__I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)_

_______________It's over now, I'm cold, alone  
__I'm just a person on my own  
__Nothing means a thing to me_

_It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive__  
__If you don't do it you're on the other side__  
__I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie) _

_Free me, leave me__  
__Watch me as I'm going down__  
__Free me, see me__  
__Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling..._

When the song was done, he was staring at me and I saw realization dawn in his eyes. He bit his lip and in that moment he didn't look like a vampire at all, more like a lost and scared teenager and I threw my arms around him.

"I _am_ an addict, Ellie," he whispered and his voice nearly broke.

"I know," I said hugging him more tightly. "But now you know too, and we can start to work on it."

After a minute we broke the hug and turned our attention to the band again. We didn't discuss it anymore after that, but a new connection was formed between us and we were closer than ever before. And knowing that felt good…

* * *

**AN: So we're shamelessly promoting K's Choice :) Hope you like the chapter just as much as Jasper and Bella liked the concert. **


	23. Chapter 22 Not an Addict

**Chapter 22: Not an Addict**

**JPOV**

I thought I left unseen, going into the woods and again reliving memories of a past life as the animal blood filled me. But somehow I got busted.

My senses were on alert in the hunt, so I recognized him from a distance, but I could tell that he had recognized me too, as his surprise reached me. So there was no point in hiding.

I waited from him to catch up as I made up a story in my mind. A story about the nostalgia of animal blood. I wasn't ready for my family to know I tried to change my diet. This was something between Ellie and me.

After I fed him this excuse, Emmett didn't push the matter further and proposed we hunted together for some more, which I agreed to.

We were silent during the hunt, not startling our prey, but I could feel the joy oozing from him, to be able to hunt with his brother again. This strengthened my resolution to make our plan work.

After the concert me and Ellie decided to try and make me a vegetarian again. I honestly didn't think it would work, not without Alice, but her excitement and her desperate need to help got to me. I followed along and I promised her I would try my hardest.

We had no idea how to proceed with this, but a few days after that, she called me telling me she had worked out a plan. I knew that she needed some distance from Edward after he hurt her feelings, and apparently she had found a way in distracting herself by surfing the net for all kind of rehab programs. I was flattered that she would be thinking about me all day, but it scared me too that she suddenly found my diet so important. I didn't want to disappoint her and still didn't believe I could do it.

But I invited her over to the cabin and I heard her out anyway. The plan was that I would completely stop taking any human blood as from that moment and only drink animal blood, going cold turkey so to say.

We took some precautions as well. I would hunt animals daily, even when not thirsty. We would meet up regularly to provide distraction and talk about the progress.

Edward was aware of our plan as he read it in my mind, and he knew why I wasn't ready for anyone else to find out. The possibility of disappointing Bella was enough pressure as it is. He wasn't pleased with what this plan meant for the bonding between me and her, but he knew that this would greatly distract her from what he did, so he let it be.

She would check my eyes every time and when found too dark, she would leave again.

The most difficult precaution was that for as long as it took me to become clean, I would not have sex with humans. When she wrote down this rule, I raised my eyebrows, vigorously shaking my head. I can't lose both. But she had a point in saying that it was too dangerous and she said that it would have to be an extra motif to get clean quicker.

We decided that two months without human blood equaled 'clean'. After that I would have to see what to do with the sex. With every slip up the counter is back on zero. Thus far no problem, six days and counting.

I liked the top secret of it all, and I liked the proud look she gave me whenever I raised my thumb at seeing her approaching. We usually meet in the cabin as it contains my music installation and as we don't want the other Cullens to know.

She doesn't talk much about Edward, and I find myself being happy about that, as sometimes a strange sort of jealousy came over me. I brushed it off as a protective feeling over my friend, but deep down I knew it was more. I enjoyed her company, I wanted her near me always. And I am ashamed to admit, that somewhere deep down, I'm hoping that she feels the same. It's hard to tell as she has become the master manipulator of her own feelings around me. I never know what's real and what's not.

"A penny for your thoughts, dude," Emmett said, as we were both finishing the deer we caught on autopilot.

I was startled and wasn't about to say any of my thoughts out loud.

"Um… I was just focusing on the taste."

"Yeah? I bet it tastes awful to you now," he said sympathetically.

"Not awful. But not good either," I admitted.

We hid the cadaver under some bushes and started walking back, satisfied with the huge amount we drank.

"I remember human blood. Vaguely," he mesmerized, "it was heaven."

I looked up at him surprised. None of us ever spoke that way about the forbidden pleasure. But I guess he felt safe admitting this to me, the master sinner.

"Yes it is," I nodded, and stared in front of me again.

There was an awkward silence between us, I felt like he was going to say something but he kept quiet. Until he gathered his courage.

"And how about the rest? How is that?"

His question wasn't very specific, but his underlying feelings hinted what he meant by it.

"It's… warm," I answered and we both chuckled nervously. We are usually way more open about this stuff, but the sex with humans is very much a no-go, even discussing it.

"Do you do both at the same time?" Again I knew he meant sex and feeding.

"Yes, that is the best part of it. Indescribable," I answered, slightly ashamed.

"Man, I'm jealous." I could tell that he was equally ashamed to confess this. There was a silent agreement never to admit to these thoughts in front of the other Cullens.

"Don't be. I feel awful every time. You see the body and you think that this person might have been somebody's Bella."

I said it without thinking and was immediately on alert, but he made nothing of it. To him, Bella was the only human he cared about too, so the comparison made perfect sense.

"So are you trying to stop then? Is that what the animal hunt is about?"

"No, I'm not ready for that."

Emmett is a great friend, but for the life of him, he can't keep a secret.

Later that night, when I was listening to the K's Choice CD I bought at the concert with Bella, I picked up on her emotions shortly before the time we would meet. She felt a happy anticipation, and as soon as the cabin was in her line of vision, I opened the front door and lifted my thumb up high.

The grin that spread over her face lit up the forest and all sorts of feelings floated towards me. Pride, friendship, joy… and love? Was this love I felt? Or did I just feel what I wanted to feel?

I leaned back against the cabin wall and waited for her to reach me and perform her eye check.

I opened my eyes wide like a good boy and she chuckled as she nodded approvingly. But then her face grew serious as her eyes stayed locked on mine.

She stepped closer and stared deeply in my eyes, and I swear if I had been human my palms would have been sweaty and my heart would beat out of my chest. I couldn't shake the thought that she was going to kiss me, and I didn't dare to move, afraid to break the moment.

And then suddenly she stepped back and gave me a brilliant smile.

"I can see some gold sparks already!" she exclaimed enthusiastically.

I released my held-in breath and ignored my disappointment, trying to be happy about my changing eyes. It wasn't all that hard, with all the positive emotions she sent my way.

We listened together to the CD, reliving memories of the concert and talked about school gossip, nothing important.

She never asked me how I was doing with the diet and it gave me a good sense of comfort. She didn't have a single doubt that I would be okay. And even though I am not quite so confident, somehow she is exactly what I need.

Someone who can promise me she believes in me.

* * *

**AN: All Jasper fans out there, listen up. Baruka has entered a Darksper oneshot in the "Show Us Your Dark Side" contest. The story is called "Who are you" and you can vote till March 10th. The link is on our profile, don't forget to vote!**


	24. Chapter 23 College

**Chapter 23: College**

**BPOV**

Charlie tossed me another envelop as I sat at the kitchen table, trying to eat my bowl of corn flakes.

"Another one?" I asked, getting thoroughly frustrated as I looked at the address. University of Madison, Wisconsin. Edward had gotten me into another college it seemed, reading through the letter. Which obviously wasn't a bad thing. It was just the fact that he had done it behind my back, was irritating me to no end. I knew my mind had been in all sorts of places, but he could have just asked. I applied to UW and Alaska State, so if he wanted to, I could have applied elsewhere as well. But no, he had to go behind my back. And now I was getting so worked up, I had to calm down before I got to school, otherwise I was going to explode the minute I saw him.

I finished my breakfast, said goodbye to Charlie and took off for school. Ever since 'that night' as I now referred to it, Edward stopped driving me to school. There we still spent every moment together, but I couldn't be alone with him just yet. And he gave me my space. I knew it hurt him though, because every afternoon when the last bell rang at school, his face got that carefully maintained 'empty' expression that told me all I needed to know. Part of his hurt had to be caused by the fact I was spending every free minute after school with Jasper. I felt guilty about that, but he needed my time more than Edward did.

I pulled up next to Edward's Volvo in the school parking lot, calmer now, but still determined to speak my mind. He opened my door for me, always the perfect gentleman, took my bag and started walking towards the class rooms.

"Not so fast, Edward," I told him and he turned back around to face me. By the look in his eyes I could tell he already knew what I wanted to say.

"Madison? Are you kidding me?"

He shrugged and stepped closer to me. "You never told me what you wanted to major in. I selected a wide range of colleges with enough wildlife in the surrounding area so you could major in anything you want and have the best college to go to."

That was actually kind of sweet and it made it hard for me to stay mad at him.

"I get that you want the best college for me," I said after I took a deep, calming breath, "but why did you have to sneak behind my back?"

"You seemed preoccupied with other matters and I thought this way would be easiest. I would never make you go anywhere you don't want to go."

"I know," I sighed, "it's just that…" I couldn't say it out loud here. I never even thought I was going to make it to college next year. We hadn't discussed it since our junior year, but I still wanted to become a vampire. I thought he knew. He was the one with a perfect memory.

"It's just what, Bella? You can tell me."

"I didn't think I was going to college next year," I blurted out and he immediately understood what I was saying.

"No, we're not discussing this," he snarled, "I'm not taking away your soul."

His eyes were darkening in anger and I should have let it go, but now I was getting mad again.

"I don't believe in all that soul crap, Edward," I hissed right back at him. "This is all there is to life and that's not good enough for me. I want to be your equal. I need to be your equal."

"But Bella, you _are_ my equal," he whispered and his eyes lightened up again. I had so much I wanted to say to him, but the school bell interrupted my thoughts.

"You know what? I'll come by your house tonight and we are going to have a heart to heart about this," I told him. He nodded and put his arm around me guiding me to our first class. I guess he was glad he would have me to himself tonight, but I couldn't stop thinking about how I was going to convince him of what I wanted.

After school we each took our own cars to drive to Edward's place. The house seemed deserted, but Edward told me Emmett and Rosalie were in their room doing whatever it is they do when they are in their room. No, I didn't want to pursue that line of thought. I shook my head to get rid of the images that were suddenly popping up in my head. Damn, my lively imagination…

We went up to his room and I was surprised to see his couch had been replaced by a bed. I eyed him incredulously and he looked like he might blush if he weren't a vampire.

"I had the couch replaced weeks ago, when it looked like we were finally going to…" He looked extremely embarrassed and couldn't finish his sentence. It got me annoyed that he still couldn't speak about sex while he obviously wasn't a virgin anymore. Since I was determined to stay collected, I decided to ignore his insecurity and I sat down on the bed. He sat down next to me and I took his hands in mine.

"I know we haven't discussed this for a long time, but I need you to know I haven't changed my mind. I still want to become a vampire."

Edward didn't answer immediately, but I felt his anger rising. His grip tightened painfully on my hands, but I continued.

"I'm already one year older than you'll ever going to be. And I'm clumsy and weak and I'll never be your equal until you turn me."

I promised myself I wouldn't sound pathetic, but here I was pleading with him, being the weak one.

"Do you doubt my love for you, Bella?" He loosened his grip on my hands and sank down on his knees in front of me. He was looking into my eyes and suddenly I realized he was up to something, but I answered anyway.

"I know you love me, Edward, as I love you."

He let go of one of my hands and reached into his pocket, producing a black velvet jewelry box. Oh God, he's not doing this right now, is he? Oh yes, he is.

"Bella," he started off, "you're everything I have been looking for for 100 years. I love you more than I love myself. Would you marry me?"

"Would you turn me when I do?"

His jaw clenched and his grip on my hand tightened again. "I can't do that, Bella."

When those words left his mouth I felt my anger flare and I just snapped.

"What?" I yelled in his face, jerking my hand out of his, sending the box flying across the room. I hadn't even seen the inside yet.

"You want me to marry you and not turn me? You want me to grow old, wither and die by your side while you stay eternally young and beautiful? Why are you so selfish? Don't you want me to be with you forever? Because that's what I want…"

I couldn't take it anymore. My anger was quickly turning into desperation and there was no way I was breaking down in front of him now. I jumped up from the bed and without looking at him I ran off.

"Don't come after me," I said in a normal tone when I was downstairs, I could barely suppress my sobs.

I drove off in my truck, not knowing where I was going, tears clouding my vision. Before I knew it, I was pulling up at the cabin and Jasper was rushing out to meet me. He took me in his arms and carried me inside. I clung to his chest as my sobs raked through my body. Slowly, my anger and sadness were being replaced with a feeling of peace and calm and love. I smiled at Jasper through my tears and produced a little smile.

"Care to tell me what's going on, darling?" he asked, wiping away my tears with his thumb.

I took a deep breath and managed to calm down further on my own. I got up from his lap and started pacing the room. He knew I would tell him what happened when I was ready, so he didn't push me. He only enveloped me in calm and love and waited.

"He won't turn me, Jess," I finally managed to say. When I said that, he jumped up and wrapped me in his arms. I buried my head in his chest and went on.

"He asked me to marry him, but he had no intention of turning me. How can he do that to me? Doesn't he understand that I need to be like him, his equal? Not just his pet human?"

"He believes you will be damned forever and lose your chance at heaven," Jasper whispered into my hair. I tilted my head to look at him and our faces were only an inch apart.

"Do you believe that as well? That I'll go to hell when I become a vampire?"

"No. You're such an amazing person, you could never go to hell, vampire or no vampire." His voice sounded husky and his cold breath on my face was giving me goose bumps.

"If I was yours, would you turn me?" I whispered, angling my head to the side, exposing my neck to him. He bent down and his lips softly caressed my neck. My heart was accelerating and a shiver ran down my spine.

"If you were mine, I would have turned you a long time ago," he muttered against my skin and that was the sexiest thing anyone had ever said to me and I felt the wetness begin to pool between my legs.

"You smell delicious," he whispered and I knew he didn't mean my blood. My breath hitched as his lips trailed to my jaw and my knees were ready to give out from under me.

He lingered at the corner of my mouth and I couldn't resist him any longer. I turned my head and put my lips on his.

For a moment neither of us moved and then suddenly I attacked him. My hands fisted in his hair and I drew him as close as I could. His strong arms wrapped around me and his lips moved in sync with mine.

I snaked my tongue into his mouth and he moaned when our tongues touched. They swirled around and I was lost in the feel of him.

I was wrapped not only in his arms, but in a cocoon of love and lust, radiating off of Jasper. I drew in a shaky breath and looked into his eyes. They were pitch black, but still radiated so much love, I could barely wrap my head around it. At that exact moment I realized how much I loved him…

And then it hit me. I shouldn't love him. I loved Edward. I had given myself to him, given him the best of me. I couldn't be in love with Jasper and here I was. This couldn't be happening.

I yanked myself free and ran to the door. I needed to get out of there as fast as I can, but Jasper grabbed me by the wrist and turned me around.

"Don't run away, Bella. I love you…"

"I know you do," I sighed. I had suspected it for a while now. But to hear him say it was something entirely different.

I looked up again into his eyes that were back to it's beautiful golden color. I hadn't noticed it before with all the crying, but there wasn't a single trace of red left. I suddenly felt so proud of him, I hugged him.

There was no need to speak, he already knew everything I felt and for the longest time we stood there on the doorstep, holding each other. Or holding onto each other.

"I know you can feel how I feel, but I'm not going to say it," I finally whispered into his shirt. "I've betrayed him enough for one evening."

He trembled a little when I said that, but didn't say a word, so I went on. "Because no matter how he has treated me, I still love him very much. And I need to go back and talk to him."

We slowly untangled ourselves and in his eyes I saw the same emotional turmoil as I felt in my own heart, love, guilt and sadness. For we had hurt someone we both loved, even though he didn't know it yet.

But most of all, we had hurt ourselves. Because this thing between us, it could never be and we knew that.

* * *

**AN: This was a hard one to write, so many emotions... I hope you liked it. **


	25. Chapter 24 Fatherly Concern

**Chapter 24: Fatherly Concern**

**JPOV**

"Can I come in?" he asked, and I turned down the volume of the music as an affirmative sign. I can hear him just fine with the music out loud, but it just seems more polite.

I wondered what would bring Carlisle out here to the cabin, feeling very fatherly and concerned. I hoped with all my might that he didn't find out about me kissing my brother's girl. I tried so hard to be a worthy part of his family, and now I might just end up ripping it apart.

But how could he have discovered this suddenly, two days after it had happened?

As he stepped in and pulled a chair next to bed I was sitting on, I suddenly found myself _very_ interested in a crack in the floor.

"We have some things to talk about," he started and I was confused that his main feelings were still concern instead of anger.

I simply nodded without looking up.

"First of all I want to discuss your diet," he said. At this my head snapped up and as I looked directly at him, a brilliant smile lit up his face and he filled with pride.

I couldn't help but smile back and be equally proud of my golden eyes.

"I knew you have been trying and succeeding," he continued, "but I didn't know the eye color would change back so fast."

"I've been drinking lots and lots of animals," I explained. I didn't add that I had been anxiously waiting for Bella to see my changing eyes.

"Part of why I came down here was to tell you how much I appreciate your efforts. We had tolerated your more natural habits, because we all understood your loss, but obviously I think it's a very good idea to grow back into our way of life. It wouldn't have worked in the long term while not being a nomad."

I understood what he meant and I always knew that. If I kept drinking humans, eventually I would have to leave the Cullens. Realizing that Carlisle pointed me at this, made me even more relieved that I was handling this rehab thing pretty well. Of course I did have help from a former friend…

"I didn't tell you yet, because I was afraid…" I trailed off.

"I understand. And you still might slip up. But that's okay. The most important thing is that even when that happens you keep trying. Even though things might get harder now."

I looked at him curiously and his concern took over again. I couldn't figure it out, if he knew about me kissing Bella, surely his main emotion would be anger, or disappointment. Or maybe even disgust. Not these fatherly worries.

"Look Jasper, I know your feelings are none of my business, and you can tell me to bud out, but I know how you feel about Bella and how confused you must be. And I'm afraid I have some news that might be rather unpleasant for you."

Now my curiosity was definitely peaked, along with the shock at Carlisle simply stating that he knew I loved Bella. He didn't seem to accuse me though.

I opened my mouth to protest, but I knew already that any attempt to deny would only look ridiculous. He was absolutely certain. He simply waited for me to catch up and then I asked "what news?"

"About Bella and Edward being engaged," he answered softly.

"What?" I exclaimed. Last thing I knew she had been so angry with him that she was in tears and now they are getting married?

"They announced it yesterday and Esme agreed to throw them an engagement party next weekend. I'm sorry Jasper. This must be confusing for you."

He didn't say that this must hurt me, because he knew I should be happy for them both, but his apprehensiveness showed me that he knew very well that I was.

"And you want me to come?" I croaked.

"I believe you would regret not coming," he cornered me.

"Does everybody know?" I asked and he knew I didn't mean the engagement.

"Rose and Emmett don't know I think. I believe Edward and Bella do. And me and Esme…"

I should have known. Living for years and years so close together, would make that the good parent figures know what going on with their 'children'.

"How long?"

"For a while now. Honestly, and I am aware that this is not helping you, me and Esme thought that somehow she would choose you and our major concern had been Edward, because we don't know how he would cope. I doubt that he would see how you and her are actually more compatible."

I gasped and tried to come up with something to say, but I was dumbfounded. Carlisle and Esme actually believed that I should be with Bella. They would have understood if I had taken my brother's girl.

"But," he interrupted my train of thought, "love is hardly a science. And apparently she has made her choice. And we have to respect that."

"Of course," I said, defeated.

I would respect her choice, but now the news was slowly growing in my brains, there were some things that didn't really make sense. If she had announced it yesterday, she must have gone back to Edward after our kiss. Gone back and made it up to him, forget about her dream to become a vampire and simply give in. Somehow that doesn't sound like Ellie. I had felt how much she loved me, how much she gave herself to me in that kiss, and how very strongly she felt about turning.

"This isn't right," I whispered. And the pity I felt from Carlisle almost became unbearable. "Don't feel sorry for me. I didn't imagine this. She loves me back, she has for some time. She can't marry him."

"I'm sorry Jasper. I'm sure you are right about her loving you back, but it's her life and she chooses to be with him. I am fairly certain that she loves him in equal amounts if not more."

His words stabbed me like knives, because I knew very well they were true. And now there was absolutely nothing left I could do to change it.

I started thinking about things I could have said or done to keep this from happening, to let her know how I felt, what we could have together. But in fact I've done all I could and more. I have been there for her whenever she needed me, I let her comfort me through the darkest times, I changed my diet just for her. I helped her be intimate with Edward for Christ sake.

And now, now I finally made my move, kissed her and told her I love her, she runs to him and gets engaged. That makes me believe that any other or sooner attempt from my side would have ended much the same. With her running to him. Filled with guilt.

I had lost this battle before it even started, and I knew Carlisle was actually here to ask me to stop fighting.

We sat like this in silence for a long time, both deep into thought. His pity faded and was replaced with concern again.

"I'll be at the party," I finally decided.

For my friendship with her I would fight. We would have to forget about that wonderful moment in each other's arms and about the love we both held, and try our hardest to keep our connection, as friends. I need her, simple as that. And I thought she needed me too, so she would try as well, right?

"Good," he answered and then added carefully "if all goes well, we can perhaps toast to golden eyes as well."

Right, the eyes...

How was I supposed to keep strong now? Not feeding on humans? Now I had realized I loved my best friend and lost her at the same time?

As if he could feel my despair - maybe I had been projecting - he said "it would mean very much for me and Esme. I wish she could see you now, but I'll keep it a surprise for Saturday. She worries very much about you, has been constantly the last year, and now this… You could set her mind at peace by this gift."

He played his part well. Knowing I wouldn't hold back for the helpless humans, but asking me to do it for my poor mother, who's heart was breaking for my hurt.

"I'll try my hardest, Carlisle."

For Bella as well. She has seen my eyes and I don't want to ruin her buzz by showing up at her party red eyed and adding some more guilt to her confused mind.

* * *

**AN: So Bella made up her mind... Share your thoughts please...**


	26. Chapter 25 Engagement Party

**Chapter 25: Engagement Party**

**BPOV**

I had become quite good at keeping up appearances in the past week. The whole time I had been pretending this was the happiest time of my life, when in fact my heart was torn to shreds. My smile was permanently plastered on my face, just to prevent me from bursting into tears. I felt like such a fake, lying to my family like that, but it was my choice and the sooner I would come to terms with it, the sooner I would feel better. Or so I hoped. Still, every time one of them looked at me, I was certain they were going to see it in my eyes and expose me for the fraud I really am.

It wasn't all bad of course. Every time I saw the look on Edward's face a little weight was lifted from my heart. He seemed genuinely happy, happier than I had ever seen him and I was reminded again of why I was doing this.

I would never forget the hurt Edward was in when I found him in his room, in exactly the same position as where I left him, on one knee, proposing to me. I had come back from the cabin to tell him I needed more space, but when I saw him, I simply couldn't. He had looked up to me and the hurt in his eyes was so overpowering, I could feel nothing else but the need to comfort him. And the wall I had built, shielding my emotions from him, crumpled under his gaze, until I was left naked in the dark. Every emotion that I had felt these past few weeks came crashing into me, the love I felt for Edward, the anger at him for leaving, the betrayal I felt when he said he wouldn't turn me and worst of all, the guilt…

I had sunk to my knees and buried my head in my hands, tears that I swore would never fall again dripping through my fingers.

I don't know how long I had sat there, crying in my hands. After what seemed like an eternity, two strong arms had picked me up and carried me to the bed. Edward tucked me in and laid down next to me on his side, supporting his head with his hand. My sobs had subsided and I was thinking through the situation while looking at Edward's face. The hurt in his eyes was replaced with an expression of love and concern and that made my guilt spike. I had betrayed this wonderful man before me, a man that has never done anything to deserve that. And I would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. Funny how I had used exactly the same sentence he had when leaving me behind, the sentence I had refused to hear from him.

It was in that moment that I decided to accept his proposal. I would marry him and try to make him happy.

And I did make him happy, happier than I had ever seen him. He had even told me he would think about turning me, but only if I went to college with him to which I had agreed. Carlisle and Esme were over the moon and I even got a nod from Rosalie. Who would have thought that could ever happen? I wish I could say the bear hug from Emmett made the picture complete. It wasn't complete.

But thinking about that always brought me on the verge of breaking down, so I pushed every thought of Alice and Jasper to the back of my head.

I glanced at my reflection in the mirror one last time, before descending the stairs and showing up at my own engagement party. Why in hell had I ever agreed with Esme that she could throw me one? We should have just eloped and got the whole fuss behind us. But sadly, we didn't, so time to face the music… and definitely not dance.

Edward waited for me at the bottom of the stairs, looking stunning, dressed in a black suit, black shirt and white tie loosely tied around his collar, top buttons of his shirt undone. Luckily Esme had taken me out shopping so I looked equally stunning in a black strapless cocktail dress and heels that were way too high for me.

"You look amazing, love," Edward whispered in my ear as he offered his arm to me.

"So do you," I choked out and I wondered where my sudden shyness was coming from. Nerves were creeping up on me and I wished Jasper was there to calm me.

No I didn't. The last thing I wanted was to rub my engagement in his face only a week after he had declared his love for me. Oh crap, I needed to stop thinking about him, or I was going to be sick.

Edward had noticed my unease and again whispered in my ear how much he loved me and how wonderful I was. Needless to say, I wasn't really comforted. I sucked in a last breath of air and stepped into the crowded living room. Everyone's attention immediately turned to us, and I regretted the theatrical entrance we were making as a small applause erupted from the crowd. I blushed and ducked away a little behind Edward's shoulder as he said some words about how wonderful it was to have them all here on this happy occasion and more of that.

While Edward was giving his little speech, I let my eyes wander over the assembled guests. I saw a lot of people from school, almost the entire senior year was here, half of them green with jealousy because I had stolen Edward from them. I could only barely hold back a snicker. The other guests were obviously colleagues of Carlisle and then there was the entire Forks Police Department, consisting of my dad and his three deputies. Charlie was beaming with pride and he gave me a very unsubtle thumbs up. I never guessed he would be so excited with the prospect of his only daughter marrying, but he told me he had seen it coming for a long time. And then there were the Cullens, Emmett seemed as proud as Charlie was and Rosalie even smiled a little. Carlisle and Esme were standing to the side, both giving me encouraging nods as if they truly were Edward's parents.

And then my eyes locked with his. I had never expected to see those beautiful golden eyes here tonight. The anguish in Jess's eyes was mirroring the turmoil I felt inside and it made my breath catch.

"Is everything alright, love?" Edward asked and I pretended to choke a little on the glass of champagne a waiter had shoved into my hands.

I took some deep breaths and tried to reign in my emotions. I couldn't have Jasper feeling my true emotions, love and happiness it would be for tonight. As long as I could avoid him or his eyes, I would be just fine, I told myself. I mustered the widest smile I could find and looked up at Edward. He smiled back at me, took my hand and we started our tour around the room, chatting to our guests. This isn't what I wanted from an engagement party, but it meant a lot to Edward and Esme and it really wasn't all that bad.

After a while, Edward sensed I was getting tired of talking to all these people and sent me off to talk to my dad. I had a fun time joking around with Charlie and his men, sipping from my champagne. I hadn't realized I was drinking too much, until it was too late and I felt myself sway a little on my feet.

I excused myself from the party and went to the upstairs bathroom to freshen myself up. Not without difficulties I managed to get up the stairs, cursing my heels every step I took. I splashed some water in my face and adjusted my make-up. I had probably taken longer than I thought in the bathroom, because when I walked out Esme was waiting for me outside the door.

"Are you alright, dear? You seem a bit tipsy to me," she winked at me.

I smiled a genuine smile at her. She could always make me feel right at ease, like she really was my mother.

"The champagne did catch me a little off guard, Esme," I chuckled. "But I'm fine, or at least I will be in a couple of hours."

Esme chuckled right along with me and the sound of her laughter made me forget my worries for a moment. She grabbed my arm and guided me down the stairs. Suddenly she jerked to a stop at the bottom of the stairs which caused me to bump into her rigid body.

I looked up and froze as well. Jasper was standing in front of us and he was talking to Esme too low and fast for me to hear. I had always found that annoying, but now I knew they were talking about me where I stood and I was getting irritated. Esme squeezed my hand and with an apologetic smile she left me alone with Jasper.

Now this was really beyond awkward. We stood three feet apart, me on the second to last step, so our eyes were on the same height, both utterly silent. At least I was trying to be silent, but my heart was pounding in my ears and my breath was hitching. My eyes were drawn to his and the way he looked back at me told me more than I wanted to know. I had hurt him just as much as I had hurt Edward. And now my façade of happiness and love was failing under his gaze and I wanted to escape before he knew.

I tried to surprise him and run past him, but he simply stepped to the side blocking my exit.

"Why?" he spoke so softly I wasn't sure he had spoken at all.

"Because I love him."

"You love me as well."

He knew, but I didn't think he knew how much. I needed to get out of there, before he could realize how much of my heart was his. In that moment I was thankful I had spent so much time with him, that I could manipulate my emotions so that he only caught a glimpse of what was hidden under the surface.

"Did you…" he started, but his voice cracked with emotion. "Did you sleep with him again?"

"Yes," I choked out and my thoughts brought me back to that night. Edward seemed so depressed and I wanted to comfort him more than anything. So I did the one thing that came to mind that would prove I still loved him. I only had to think about kissing Jasper and I was instantly aroused. It shouldn't have been like that and I knew it. And I felt dirty and cheap afterwards. But it meant so much to Edward. He never once doubted my love after that.

"I don't believe you. You love me." It sounded like an accusation and a plea at the same time and it made me feel like I was a monster.

"Please, Jess, don't do this to me," I pleaded, hoping that the use of his nickname would soften his heart a little. I didn't expect it to have the opposite effect.

"Don't you dare use that name anymore," he hissed, and his eyes were rapidly darkening in anger. "From now on we're back to Bella and Jasper. Jess and Ellie are dead."

He turned his back on me and then he was gone. And he had taken my heart with him.

It was as he said, Ellie is truly dead.

* * *

**AN: I know you've all been mad at Bella, but don't be too hard on her. Hearts are bound to be broken no matter what she decides...**

**Don't forget to vote in the Show Us Your Dark Side contest! Check out our profile page for the link. **


	27. Chapter 26 Almost Happy

**Chapter 26: Almost Happy**

**JPOV**

Weeks passed by. Weeks of studying. Weeks of finals. Weeks of not talking to me. Of being engaged to my brother and probably having some sort of honeymoon feeling.

I wouldn't know. I moved back to the cabin. My family knew now I was in "rehab" and they understood I needed to stay away from human blood.

Only after losing her did I realize what an important part of my motivation she had been. Sure there was Alice watching upon me from heaven, and sure the trust of my family is very important too, and the humans might motivate me as well, but if I'm being really honest, I would have to admit that it had all been mainly for Bella.

And that I have been having extreme difficulties at keeping my resolution.

So it was no surprise that Emmett, when he came over to me after I hunted and drank half the forest, still exclaimed to me "Dude, your eyes are black, why aren't you feeding?"

I explained to him that I had been, and he understood.

"Is that why you are ignoring Bella?"

"I'm not ignoring Bella. I'm just keeping a safe distance for a while," I lied.

"So you still call her? You're still her friend?" he asked me with raised eyebrows, and by reading his feelings I noticed that he knew the answer was no. He wasn't so understanding about that, in fact, he was pretty annoyed.

"She's busy, Emm. Finals, and Edward…"

"Are you kidding me? She needs you, dude. Did you two fight?"

"How would you know what she needs?"

"Because she smiles all day, but when Edward leaves for a hunt, I hear her crying. And she's got no reason to be unhappy, except for her friend's sudden absence. So what's up with that?"

I managed to feed him some more diet excuses and promised him I would check up on her.

That I did, I didn't call her, but I went over to her backyard to find out why she had been crying.

The thought of her being unhappy broke my heart, but if she cried because Edward wouldn't turn her, then there was nothing I could do.

When I felt Edward approaching I took some more distance, and after he left I neared again. I felt her mood slowly changing, from happy towards guilty, a feeling I had picked up on her engagement party as well. I had assumed the guilt was for me, but now it dawned on me that it might be for Edward.

Suddenly this feeling was replaced with a massive sadness, grief came over her and I could hear her sobs from where I was hiding in the back of the garden. As if hypnotized I crawled closer, my heart aching for her, to hold her in my arms and make those sorrows go away.

It was then that I picked up another sound. Soft music, she was listening to her iPod. And I immediately recognized the K's Choice CD, filled with 'our' songs. There was no doubt left about who was the source of her pain, and my annoyance over her tremendous mistake vanished. It didn't matter who she was marrying, or who shared her bed at night, I wanted her to be happy and I wanted to be the one comforting her.

So I got back to the cabin as fast as I could, put on that same CD and called her up.

She picked up immediately, but didn't speak, her voice probably too thick with tears. I heard her music stop as she put the iPod down.

"I'm sorry, Bella…" I said, and I heard her sigh. Her breath was steadying and she tried to calm her sobs.

"_Sorry for what?"_

"For what I said to you at the party. I didn't mean it."

"_I should be sorry, Jasper."_

"You made a mistake," I said, not letting her now that the engagement was the biggest mistake of all, "but we all do. It's okay. You're still Ellie to me."

At this she started sobbing again full force. I hoped that I didn't hurt her by saying that. Wish I could feel her emotions right now.

I waited for her to calm down again and put on "Almost Happy", loud enough for her to hear. At the end I whispered along with the lyrics.

_It's easy to get lost in you  
__And fall asleep inside of you  
__I want to return to you  
__A reason to be here_

She did regain control and finally she managed to say "_I miss you, Jess_."

"I miss you too," I immediately responded.

"_Can I see you?"_

Seeing her, having her here with me, was the only thing I wanted in the world right now. But I had to be careful.

"I wish that was possible, but I'm having a really hard time with my diet."

"_All the more reason for me to come encourage you_," she spoke, and I felt the resolution in her voice. Knowing that her friend needed her support, made her pull together better than any sweet words I could whisper to her. So I gave in.

"You have to be careful Bella, and if I run, don't come after me."

"_I'm on my way,"_ she said, almost cheerful. Almost happy.

I had about twenty minutes for her to reach the cabin, so I hunted some more smaller preys, to take extra precaution.

I didn't help. As soon as she entered the cabin, and she was still quite some distance away from me, I was hit with a strong wave of bloodlust.

I lifted up my hand, my palm facing her, to make her stop right there. I closed my eyes, and stopped breathing, searching deep inside me for strength. Now she was finally here again, I didn't want to ask her to leave. I had to be strong.

"Can you handle it?" she asked in a frail voice, and I could feel how much she hoped, just like me, that she didn't have to leave again.

I opened my eyes and looked at her, nodding slowly.

This scorching throat would be agony, but not as much as watching her go, and I would be in control. My main instinct was to keep her safe, to take care of her.

So I sat down on the couch and patted the place next to me. She slowly made her way over, watching me intently. She wasn't scared though. As to be expected, her main concern was always me.

When she sat down, we both leaned back and listened to the music. I felt her apprehensiveness fade as contentment filled her again. My throat slowly let me out of it's grip and from time to time I tried to breathe a sniff of air, which didn't cause me too much pain. I focused on the smell that was all Bella, no blood. No matter how difficult. If we were going to talk, I needed air.

"Are you still mad at me?" she asked suddenly, and I cocked my head sideways, wondering where this suddenly came from. She looked at me with her big eyes, still red rimmed from all her crying.

I reached out to her face and placed my hand on her cheek, softly tracing the swollen skin under her eyes with my thumb.

"I can't stay mad at you Bella, no matter what you do."

"Do you think we can stay friends? Now we admitted our feelings?"

"We have to," I answered fast.

A small smile came over her lips and she reached up to mirror my gesture, her warm hand on my cheek. I leaned in against it, knowing I would savor the feeling of her touch long after she's gone again.

But something else distracted me now. Her wrist was pulsing so close to my teeth and without thinking I let go of her face and I had her arm in my hands, keeping that wrist there. My lips touching her skin and my nose breathing in her heavenly scent.

I groaned and whispered "god, what I wouldn't do for just a few drops."

Hearing her gasp made me open my undoubtedly black eyes and I noticed how she wasn't in the least bit of fear. I felt love, compassion, pity, and even arousal.

"A few drops?" she repeated shakily, her heart beating even faster, the thumping wrist driving me crazy with want. "Would you be able to stop after a few?"

"What are you talking about, Bella?"

My confusion made me overcome the worst burn. I let go of her arm, leaning back again.

"I'm talking about me wanting to do whatever it takes to make this work. I would do anything for you, Jess. And if a few drops can keep you sane, and keep you from killing, than I'm sure I could spare some."

* * *

**AN: What do you think about this little idea in Bella's head?**


	28. Chapter 27 Bella's Experiment

**Chapter 27: Bella's experiment**

**BPOV**

I meant everything I had said to Jasper. I would do anything to keep him in my life. These last few weeks had been so miserable I had learned I couldn't live without him. So if that meant I had to sacrifice a little of my blood, I could do that.

It was obvious that Jasper had a hard time controlling himself around me, so I went home shortly after I told him he could have my blood. I guess he thought I was just kidding, but yet again I was determined to make this work. At home I designed a game plan to get my blood to Jasper without getting me killed in the process. I couldn't just let him bite me, not right away anyway. The bloodlust would take over and I would probably end up dead. So I needed him to get used to my blood without losing control, hence I needed to get my blood to him in a vile or something. That meant needles, syringes and containers. After some internet research I decided to go to a blood drive organised by the local hospital and steal everything I needed. I knew that was beyond bad, but I simply couldn't care anymore. Anything for Jess…

In the end, it was easier than I expected. The blood drive wasn't in the hospital itself but in the gymnasium of my high school. If that wasn't some divine intervention, I don't know what is. During lunch hour, I snuck into the utility room where they had stocked all the supplies and found exactly what I needed. I took a couple of syringes and needles, not enough to raise suspicion and most importantly I stole a lot of test tubes filled with anti-coagulants so I could preserve the blood long enough to get it to Jasper. I placed it all in my backpack and nobody ever noticed.

Back at home, the hardest part came, sticking the needle in my arm. I already fainted at the sight or smell of someone else's blood, there's no knowing what I would do when I was trying to draw my own blood. It would be typical Bella style that I should pass out with a needle in my arm to be found by Edward. I just had to suck it up and be strong for Jasper.

Jasper.

Every time I thought about him, my insides turned to goo. I had succesfully banned him out of my mind when Edward was around, but when I was on my own the tears came. I felt so strongly about him I had a hard time just breathing. Sometimes I even doubted whether I had made the right decision in marry'ing Edward. But I couldn't dwell on that thought, because it made me physically sick.

I wiped away the tears that were already gathered in the corners of my eyes and returned my attention to putting a needle in my arm. I used a scarf to tie off my left arm and balled my fists a couple of times. With my right hand I started to feel for a vein in my elbow pit, just like I had researched it online. When I was sure I felt it I took the needle and syringe, pulled the cap off with my teeth and placed it on my arm. I sat on my bed, staring at the needle for at least fifteen minutes before I had gathered the courage to slide it in. It hurt, but not as much as I had anticipated, and surely as a danger magnet I've experienced a lot worse. I had to try five times, but at last I managed to find the vein. I filled a 50cc syringe and injected the blood into the test tubes. For my first time, I thought it was a grand succes, so I patched up my arm and called it a day. And for the first time in weeks I fell asleep without shedding a single tear.

Next morning I fedexed the tubes in a manilla envelope to a post box in town. I mailed the key to the box to Jasper along with a note that said to look for a surprise. Maybe I was a bit paranoid, but I didn't want Edward or any of the other Cullens finding out what I was up to. Who knows what they could smell with their vampire noses…

Going to school after that was hell. I knew it would take at least a day for the postal services to get the envelopes delivered, but I kept checking my cell for a text none the less. Luckily we only had half days of school left, it being the last week before graduation. I had one final left and I had told Edward I could study better on my own, so I had plenty of time for myself. Time in which I could gather more of my blood to send to Jasper.

Very early the next morning I was awoken by the sound of an incoming text message. My heart leapt at the thought that Jasper had found my surprise and I rushed to my phone.

_You taste divine. Jess._

Ok, so he got the present. But what to think of that message? Did he want more? Was it helpful in controling his bloodlust or was it counterproductive? I decided to text him back.

_Need more? Ellie._

Less than a minute later, he had already answered.

_I'll drink every drop you want to give me._

Could he be more vague? Then again, he probably didn't want to spook me with his wishes. I would have to take the initiative, so I sent him another text.

_I'll send you more tomorrow. When you're in control to see me in person let me know and I'll come to see you._

This time it took him a lot longer to answer and when I finally opened it, it contained only two words.

_Will do._

After that I couldn't go back to sleep and I set up my little blood shop again. I extracted six 50cc syringes before I started to feel a bit lightheaded. That would have to do for now. I wanted to have something left for him to drink from me directly.

The next day I got a text that only said _I'm trying_ and after that he fell silent a few days. I was starting to get anxious again, having trouble sleeping and eating. Edward noticed, but thought I was just nervous for graduation. To be honest, I couldn't care less about it. I was going through the motions for Edward. He told me I would only be graduating once and that I should savour every moment. It stung like a bitch to hear him declare it like that so casually. Ironically that was the only time I truly felt something real in his presence and it was what started the whole mess in the first place.

Edward and my dad were planning some sort of graduation surprise behind my back, but I didn't have the energy left to be annoyed about it. I just kept smiling for their sakes, meanwhile thinking about Jasper's efforts to regain control of himself. Somehow I thought everything would be alright if he and I could hang out again like we used to.

The evening before graduation day I finally got his message. _Come see me._ I sent Edward off with the excuse that he needed to go hunting so he would look his best on graduation and he believed me at once. At that point, it didn't even bother me anymore that I lied to him without blinking. I would be his for the rest of my life, so one little lie wasn't all that bad.

The door to Jasper's cabin was opened when I pulled up and a fire was already roaring in the fireplace casting a red light over the doorstep. It made me feel welcome right away. I took a deep breath before exiting my car, reigning in my emotions. I would allow him to feel everything I felt for him, but not the intensity of it. That would be my burden to bear.

"Hi," I said, stepping inside, not knowing what else to say. I wasn't scared. I could never be scared of him. I was pretty nervous though and Jasper sent some calm my way. He was sitting on his couch in front of the fireplace, looking at me curiously, not saying a word.

"Why are you looking at me like that? You know I don't like that."

He chuckled darkly and patted the couch next to him.

"I don't understand that you're not scared of me," he said as I sat down by his side and I started to say I would never be scared of him when he interrupted me.

"You should be scared of me, Ellie. I'm hanging by a thread." He sounded so sad, my eyes were starting to tear up.

"I'm sorry," I whispered and looked away. I hated seeing him in this state. In some way it was worse than when he lost Alice, because now it really was my fault he was a mess.

"Don't be sorry, darling. You were never mine to begin with."

We both didn't know what to say after that, so we stared at the fire in silence. At one point I shifted my weight a little and my hand touched his. Instead of pulling it back, I let it rest there and a couple of moments later our fingers interlaced. It was a friendly gesture, but I couldn't stop my body to react on it. A shiver ran down my spine and my heart sped up a little. Very slowly he pulled my hand towards his lips and I prepared myself for his bite. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins and my heart was beating out of my chest. Then he surprised me by softly kissing the palm of my hand and my wrist. My eyes locked with his and I saw they were starting to get darker and darker.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked me.

"I am if you are."

He nodded once and turned his attention to my wrist. I expected him to bite me, but he made a small cut with his fingernail. I barely even felt it. A single red drop appeared on my skin and Jasper licked it away swiftly sealing the cut with his venom. He smiled at me and I could feel his love for me radiate from him. He wanted to show me he was in control before he actually bit me and that made it hard for me to contain my love for him. Then he bit down on exactly the same place James had bitten me, replacing my scar with his mark.

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**AN: Sorry to leave it like that... I know I'm evil...**


	29. Chapter 28 Rapture

**Chapter 28: Rapture**

**JPOV**

As my teeth sunk in her flesh, all conscious thoughts left me. I was all vampire, thirsty, horny and dangerous. All that was left was taste and emotion.

I closed my eyes, didn't let my teeth cut deep – my caring and protective feelings saw to that – and softly my tongue licked up the little blood that sipped from the wound. I sucked a few times, shortly after biting, to make sure none of my venom would enter her bloodstream. Bella's sharp pain faded and all she felt was a dimmed care mixed with anticipation.

When the first warm drops reached my burning throat, the taste of her so much more intense than the test tube blood, I must have groaned, because a new feeling started to rise in Bella's gut. Or maybe I had been projecting. After all, I had been lusting for her touch ever since that passionate kiss.

As I should have expected, tasting her blood while smelling her arousal did not help me in that area and I got painfully hard. My mind, which I thought had left the building, was now popping back displaying images of me bending over Bella, pushing her against the soft couch in front of that fire and fucking her until we both couldn't move.

I heard Bella groan and felt her shift a bit. I was instantly concerned, my eyes snapped open and my tongue stopped lapping up her heavenly liquid. My hands however held her small wrist in place and my lips were still against her warm skin. The look she gave me wasn't a look of pain though. I might have been projecting my feelings, because she gazed at me as if she wanted to devour me any second now.

I groaned again and started sucking the wound a little more fervently. This time my gaze didn't leave hers and I didn't even try not to project my drop dead horny state on her.

Although my eyes were now wide open, the images of me sliding deep inside her warmth wouldn't go away.

Slowly my fingers let go of her wrist but she didn't pull it back. Instead of holding her arm, my hands softly moved over her skin, palm open, slowly caressing their way up to her shoulder, losing my inhibition to let my hands roam over her chest.

I was now turned sideways towards her and her ragged breath told me that she was well aware I was this close from crashing into her. Oh god to be inside her.

I was throbbing in my pants when I felt Bella leaning into my fingertips tracing her upper arms and her shoulders. Apart from that she remained motionless, big brown eyes filled with absolute devotion.

The light of the fire on her skin hid the fact that her furious blush was now steadily decreasing. She looked so trusting, this girl that should be mine.

And then she lightly sighed, a smile on her gorgeous lips, and I was blown away.

Not by the sight of this surrendering angel, even though that alone was enough to enrapture me.

It were her feelings that suddenly seemed to explode. Apparently my Ellie had been holding back, something she had learned to do from our very first date, but not so anymore.

I froze, didn't even gasp, and let it wash over me. Finally realizing the true extent of her feelings. All of it.

The guilt for not being able to make everybody happy, the misery of her situation, the desire, no doubt caused by her attraction for me. That attraction was now obvious, and a lot more than that too. If I ever before wondered whether her feelings were in fact friendship, affected by a bit of frustration, then I knew better now.

This girl loved me. And right now she did so with all her heart.

I was speechless, motionless, entranced. All I could do was slowly pull my teeth from her wrist – her hand dropped in my lap – and smile back at her, completely mellowed by this new experience. My raging violent thoughts had faded into this rhapsody. My hands moved from her shoulders and cupped her cheeks, again feeling her lean in against my touch.

It was only then that I realized how she swayed a little and how her eyelids were dropping ever so slightly, making her pale face look sleepy.

When I saw her eyes roll back, I tumbled down from my cloud, emotions in a chaos for the second time in only a few minutes and I cradled her in my arms, laying her on the rug in front of the fireplace, her feet on the couch. I had seen this first aid on TV but I didn't know if it would help as I had no idea what was wrong with her. Was she fainting because of the smell of her blood? Or – and now the horror truly hit me – did I take too much from her? How much had she sent me and how much did I drink just now? There was no way I could recall.

"Jess…" she whispered, reaching her hand up to me. I kneeled down besides her and took it, while my other hand brushed her hair away from her face.

"I'm here Ellie, I think you fainted a little, how are you feeling?"

"Wonderful," she said, and her smile appeared again. I couldn't help but grin at the sight of this lightheaded girl, who just gave me the most precious gift anyone could ever give me.

And I loved her all the more for it.

"Come closer," she whispered, and I lay down beside her, still caressing her cheek in mild concern.

"Thank you," I said, and she turned her head sideways, still with that utter adoration in her eyes. She really needs to stop looking at me like that, or chances were that I would snatch her away and never bring her back again. Just hold her in my arms forever.

"That was like… the most… erotic and intimate experience ever…" she sighed.

Hearing her say that, confirming my feelings, made me even more lost than I already was.

"It was pretty intense yes," I answered, using all my strength not to kiss her right now.

"Were you projecting?"

"Maybe a little," I admitted.

"Yeah. Me too," she murmured, a slight blush already reappearing.

"So I've noticed."

Her eyes didn't look away, it was like she actually wanted me to notice. We shared a very intense look, here on this rug, so close together.

Because she didn't press the matter any further while I still needed some answers, I gathered my courage.

"Is that really how you feel about me?"

She simply nodded, this time she did lower her eyes.

"What are we going to do about you, Ellie?" I whispered, as I pulled her closer to me, burying her face in my neck and decreasing my temptation to kiss her.

"I don't know," she spoke with a muffled voice and then started to cry silently.

I tried to soothe her and slowly rubbed her back. She must be exhausted, poor thing. The engagement, the finals and then graduation tomorrow. And on top of all that, she decides to tap her blood to help this junkie friend of hers.

"Ssssh darlin, I'll love you, no matter what you do."

"That makes it so much worse," she exclaimed softly against my skin, and I felt her guilt rising again.

Why does she always need to think of everybody else first? Right now, I am pretty sure that if she would just follow her own heart, she would be with me. I know she loves Edward, but what I had felt just now… There was simply no way that she loved him more.

And as her sobs faded again, and as I felt her tired body going limb in my arms when she fell asleep, I decided that I wasn't giving up on her. I've always tried to back off for Edward's sake, but now mine and Bella's heart were on the line as well, and I would follow the course that felt right to me, just like they both were doing. I would not be able to forget what I felt from her, and I could no longer hide how strongly I loved her back.

As long as I truly believed that I could and would make her happy, than there is no more reason for me to let it be. I would have to fight for her, holding on to love, what else is real?

Now my resolution was final, I felt a strange form of peace coming over me. I might win, I might lose, but at least I would have tried. Not trying and losing would be unbearable at this point.

I watched her sleeping on the rug in awe and after getting up to cover her with a blanket, I softly stroked her glowing cheeks. From time to time, her eyelids would flutter, so I stopped touching her for fear of waking her up and simply took her hand in mine, interlacing our fingers.

After staring and admiring her all night, a million different thoughts ran through my head, and none of them ended up changing my mind.

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**AN: Share your thoughts...**


	30. Chapter 29 Just Say Yes

**Chapter 29: Just say yes**

**BPOV**

I woke up in a daze, my head pounding, shoulder stiff from falling asleep on the floor, the high poled rug prickling at my cheek. All that discomfort was washed away when I realized I was lying in his arms. He was spooned against my back and his cold breath was fanning the back of my neck. Instinctively I started reigning in my emotions, just like I had always done when he was around.

"Stop doing that, darling," he whispered in my ear. "There's no need to hide anything from me anymore."

"Good morning, Jess," I muttered and let my love for him flow freely.

"Good morning to you too, Ellie," he chuckled.

I would have been happy to lie in his arms for all eternity, but today was graduation day and that meant getting up and getting ready. I glanced at my watch and saw I had a couple of hours to spare. Edward would pick me up at my house in two hours, so I had about an hour before I had to leave the cabin. We stayed motionless, wrapped in our little cocoon for some time, but then my stomach started growling and Jasper untangled himself from me.

I got up carefully, made painfully aware by my pounding head that I had lost a lot of blood. Jasper took me gently by the elbow to make sure I didn't lose my balance and I looked up into his eyes. The love I held for this man was killing me and I didn't know what to say. So I averted my eyes, freed myself from his grip and started searching for my car keys.

"You're leaving?" he asked incredulously. "Just like that?"

"I'm sorry, Jess, I have to go. It's graduation today and Charlie would kill me if I missed that."

"Charlie or Edward?"

My heart skipped a beat at the hurt in his voice, but I didn't dignify it with an answer. I didn't even know what to say. It would probably hurt them both if I didn't show, so both of them I guess.

"So that's it? You're going back to him? You gave me your blood, but the rest will forever be his?" the rage in him made his voice tremble and I turned to look at him. Anger, bloodlust and love were battling for dominance in his eyes. The rapidly darkening color showed me it wasn't the love that was winning.

"Please, don't do this, Jasper," I said, but the sound was barely above a whisper.

In a flash he was standing right in front of me, towering over me. "Don't do what?"

"I gave him my word. I can't… I don't…" The words wouldn't escape my throat and since I wasn't holding back my emotions anymore, he could feel just how much he was hurting me.

"I'm sorry," he sighed and his eyes were returning to there normal golden shade. "I would never force you to do anything." There was a hint of defeat in his voice and his normally vivid eyes were empty. But then he seemed to remember something and locked his gaze with mine.

"I know how you feel now, Bella, and I will fight for you. I'm not giving up on you," he stated. His resolve was so thick in the air, I was sure he was projecting. And suddenly I feared for Edward's life.

"Promise me you won't hurt him, Jasper."

He didn't answer me right away. I could see some sort of internal struggle going on so I made sure to keep his eyes locked with mine.

"I promise not to damage him permanently," he finally choked out.

"That's not the same."

"It's all you're going to get," he said darkly and I didn't press it further. If he truly did love me, he'd respect my wishes.

As much as I wanted to get home at that moment, I couldn't look away from him and he took advantage of that.

"You know what I would do if you were mine, darling?" he asked, his voice full with hidden meanings. I could only nod and while backing me into a wall he started explaining.

"If you were mine, I'd kiss you like you've never been kissed before," he said, his lips only an inch away from mine. "The kiss we shared would pale in comparison to what this kiss would be."

His eyes were darkening again, this time out of pure lust.

"When I am done kissing you," he continued while his lips moved to my ear and my neck, so close but not touching, "you'll be breathless and I'll start kissing your jaw, your earlobe, gently biting down on it and then I'll start kissing your neck. My teeth will mark your skin, but not break it and you'll moan softly."

The way he was describing what he was going to do to me, made the images pop up in my head. I could almost feel everything he told me and could only barely contain myself from asking him to do it.

"Then my tongue will trace your collar bone," he went on, "and I'll rip your shirt and bra right from your body." That image sent a shiver down my spine and he looked up at me with a smirk. He was kneeling now and his face was right between my breasts.

"I'll suck on one of your nipples, making it painfully hard, while slightly pinching the other. I'll bite down on it softly and again you will moan, making my dick rock hard in my pants."

I looked down at his words and indeed, his cock was straining against the fabric of his jeans.

"I'll continue to suck and nibble your nipples until you can take no more and then my tongue will travel south, past your belly button, to the edge of your pants. I'll unbutton them with my teeth and at my wish you will wriggle out of them and you will be left standing in nothing but your white cotton boy shorts."

He was looking up at my face again and I'm sure he could smell the arousal that was pooling between my legs.

"By now, you will be dripping wet and I gently remove your panties. I'll take one of your legs and position it over my shoulder, so I'll have easy access to where I want to be. I'll lick your clit once and now you'll softly groan my name and tell me to stop teasing you. So I'll follow your command and dive in. I lick and suck your clit and your moans will get louder and louder. Then I slide one of my fingers inside you and that brings you to the edge. The leg you're standing on will start to get weak and you need my strength to keep upright. I'll put another finger inside you and that will be your undoing. You'll come like you've never come before and scream my name so hard, there will be no discussion who you belong to."

I could see the image in my head, my breathing was shallow and my heart was racing. Jasper got up from his knees, put his hands against the wall on either side of my face and again towered over me.

"When you catch your breath," he said, looking straight into my eyes, "you'll be begging me to fill you, to take you and I'll oblige. I'll free my cock and you'll wonder whether it's going to fit, but I'll assure you it will. You'll wrap your legs around me and I'll push inside you very gently. I'll start thrusting into you and you won't know what's happening to you. I'll pick up my pace and kiss you to muffle your screams. Then your orgasm will crash down on you, I'll release your mouth and for the second time, you'll scream out my name. Your muscles clenching around me will cause me to release and as I come and if you want me to, I'll bite you, making you mine for all eternity."

He said the last part very quietly but he never took his eyes of mine. He leaned forward and I tilted my head as if to kiss him.

"I want you. All you need to do, is say yes," he whispered. But suddenly I realized what I was about to do and I couldn't. I wouldn't cheat on Edward.

"No," I croaked, surprised that my voice was even working. I blinked a few times to break the spell he had put on me and repeated with a steadier voice: "No."

He sighed and backed away from me. His black eyes were lightening again and he smiled sadly.

"I told you I would fight for you," he said and now I knew what he meant by it.

"And you didn't promise to fight fair," I added.

He turned round, went for the couch and produced my car keys from between the pillows. He handed them to me and said: "Go to your graduation, have fun with Charlie and Edward and I'll see you afterwards."

I nodded, kissed him on the cheek and walked outside. At the door I whispered: "I love you," without turning round and I left. He didn't say anything back, but I felt a strong wave of love envelop me as I got into my car and I knew things would be alright between us.

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**AN: We're getting there... Hot or not?**


	31. Chapter 30 Worthwhile

**Chapter 30: Worthwhile**

**JPOV**

As soon as she left the cabin I regretted how I had pushed her. I had felt so rejected when she wanted to leave, going back to _him _just when I thought things had changed for good. They had for me, but apparently that wasn't enough for her. It stung. Badly.

That's when I had remembered how I decided to fight for her and launched a full attack towards her. This time not aimed at her blood, but at her desire for me. And I had hit bull's eye. I don't think I ever felt anyone wanting me more, but my assault had been too obvious and she was cautious, she wouldn't give in.

Afterwards I was actually glad that she hadn't. I don't want to win her over like that. I want her to give me her heart, willingly, not like this, not taken by force.

For three days I heard nothing from her, and I wallowed in rejection, almost giving up on our program to go hunt for human sex and some affirmation.

But I decided against it. She had given me her blood to keep me safe from breaking. What gratitude would I show her if I slipped up now? In fact, what gratitude did I show her then? Apart from demanding she give me more than she already had. I had had a taste of her, and I wanted it all. Wanted her body to be mine completely, wanted her with me forever. While her blood was a gift that most people don't just hand out, not like that, not with so much danger attached. And did I actually even thank her?

I decided to call her up and after chatting a bit about her graduation and how she enjoyed my present for her – an iPod already filled with all her favorite music, and mine – I finaly apologized for pushing her. Thanked her for what she gave and regretted asking more. She understood and waved it away. Ever forgiving Ellie.

After that we called daily again, and even though I always told her my diet was going perfectly, the increased hesitation every time she asked must have showed her I wasn't entirely honest.

That's when she proposed to give me some more. Just a little, to keep me sane. No dangerous amounts, just a taste. How could I deny?

So that's how she ended up today on the couch in the cabin, with that trusting gaze of hers, her emotions filled with concern and determination.

And that moment it didn't matter how badly she hurts me, how her rejection and her dedication for Edward kills me. When I look into her eyes, I know what makes it all worthwhile.

I leaned in to take a long whiff at her neck and whispered "I wish I could bite you everywhere..."

She shivered and as her heartbeat raised, I had to remind myself that I couldn't attack her feelings like that.

I let her go and leaned back, taking her hand in mine and tracing the mark from my teeth with my fingertips "… but we have to be careful," I added, "so I'll better use the scar."

"You know, with my clumsiness, I've got plenty of scars," she croaked and I looked into her eyes, searching for her intention with this remark.

"What are you suggesting, darlin'," I inquired.

Absently her hand reached to her neck, behind her ear, and she answered "we could hide your mark if you choose a different scar to drink from. Like maybe… here?"

I understood and my fingertips replaced hers, tracing the edge of her hair line. Indeed, there was a scar caused by a once deep cut, probably a long time ago. I gently turned her face to the side so I could see it, and when I followed the contours I asked with concern "how did this happen?"

"Doesn't matter," she said, embarrassment replacing the fluttering feeling in her stomach at my touch, while a blush crept up her cheeks. I reminded myself to keep her blushing, in order to avoid a fainting beauty like last time.

"I want to know, I want to know everything about you, Ellie."

She smiled sweetly and then said, in slight discomfort, "let's just say that I showed my entire class on a school field trip up the mountains, that skis can be very sharp when applied properly."

I repressed a chuckle and asked "how on earth do skis end up in your neck?"

"I don't remember. It all went so fast. All I remember is that I needed stitches and that the girls from my class were mad at me for taken away the attention of the skiing monitor."

I was in awe at this adoringly imperfect creature and again needed to refrain myself from stealing her away. Right now, I would take what I could get and stick around until she is ready to give me all of her.

I leaned closer again and placed a tender kiss on that scar behind her ear. Her eyes closed as I neared and when my lips touched her she released a soft sigh. The sound of that turned me inside out and I wanted more of it. My tongue snaked from my mouth and stroked ever so lightly over the sensitive skin. This time her breath hitched and both her hands instinctively fisted my shirt. I didn't lean back, couldn't bear to allow distance between us again, and I breathed against her ear "do you want me to bite you here, darlin'?"

Instead of answering she nodded, and I lifted my right hand to brush her hair back over her shoulder.

I backed up just enough to look her in the eye and said "Are you sure? Right now?"

I heard her swallow and again she nodded, closing her eyes in anticipation. Her hands were still in tight fists, almost pulling at my shirt, pulling me against her.

With my other hand I cupped her neck on the other side and she tilted her head to give me more access. Anticipation for her blood started to take over and I stilled myself a few moments, until I was sure I would be in control.

The feeling of my teeth sinking into her flesh, of the warm blood trickling over my tongue and the burn in my throat that was eased by her divine fluid was so much more intense than I remembered. Having her surrendering body against mine might have something to do with it.

My left hand stayed on her neck and my right arm wend behind her back, pulling her in a vampire's embrace.

Her hands released my shirt and soon her arms were circled around my waist, her breast pushed into my chest and a soft groan escaping her mouth. Hearing this my instincts took over for just a second. That was enough to pull her onto my lap, she was now straddling me, hips to hips, my soft sucking kiss in her neck.

I stopped drinking from time to time, and whispered something sweet in her ear, checking her blushing cheeks before closing my lips around the bite mark again and having another sip.

As my right hand pushed on her lower back, pressing my hard on against her, the fingertips of my left hand caressed the back of her neck.

"Oh Jasper," she whispered and it was nearly my undoing. I almost sank my teeth into her again, but instead gathered my strength to pull back. I leaned my forehead against hers and we stared into each others eyes. I savored the remaining taste of her blood in my mouth, knowing by the sight of her fading blush that it would be the last. For now.

Both my hands now moved to cradle her face, releasing my grip on her. She stayed close however, more than that, she leaned forward a bit, putting a little more pressure on my erection.

I closed my eyes and sighed and before I registered her movement, I felt her warm lips on mine.

My eyes shot open, both of us drowning in a mixture of love and confusion, and I was grateful that I didn't go for the attack this time. This was all her and it was all I could do not to crash her into me and ravish her. I remained calm and my lips followed her hesitant rhythm. Her divine and slow rhythm.

She made no move to use her tongue, and I wouldn't either, knowing I must still taste of her blood. But this sweet and tender kiss spoke of so much love and longing, even my vampire mind had trouble wrapping around it. It must be so much more overpowering for her.

When she eventually broke the kiss, I wouldn't let guilt and shame overshadow this perfect moment, and I pulled her into my arms, her head on my shoulder, immersing her with my adoration, while I whispered against her ear "I love you".

I had been so wrapped up in her, from time to time softly licking her already healing wound, that I didn't notice what I should have noticed.

What should have been impossible _not_ to notice.

It was only when I saw him standing in the doorway, eyes darker than I've ever seen, that I realized every single molecule in the air, outside our Jess and Ellie bubble, was replaced by a raging fury, straightly directed at me.

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**AN: She couldn't deny the perfection that is Jess. But now... Let us know what you think!**


	32. Chapter 31 Not Anymore

**AN: This story has been nominated for the "Everything is Bigger in Texas Awards", if you like to vote, the link is on our profile!**

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**Chapter 31: Not Anymore**

**BPOV**

I was wrapped in this amazing cocoon of love and happiness and I wanted it to last forever. I knew what he was doing though, he wanted to keep the guilt at bay. My Jess knew me well enough and when he stared into my eyes I felt like he was touching my soul. I have no idea how long we sat there, entangled on the couch, softly caressing the other, his tongue soothing the new mark he had given me.

Suddenly I felt his body stiffen underneath me and I knew something was terribly wrong. I looked up and saw his eyes fixed on the cabin door. I didn't have to turn around to know who was standing there. Goosebumps arose all over my skin and a feeling of dread washed over me. The three of us were frozen and I felt like it was up to me to make sure both of them would get out of this alive. It was my mess; I should be the one to clean it up.

"You've promised," I whispered as softly as I could to Jasper. I had to remind him he promised not to hurt Edward, or at least not to kill him. He didn't answer, but sent a wave of confidence and calm my way.

I mustered all the courage I possessed and turned my head towards the door. It was worse than I anticipated and I could barely contain a gasp. I had never seen Edward this mad. The rage was practically vibrating the air around him. His eyes were pitch black, his hands balled to fists and his jaw clenched. I could see now why he called himself a monster sometimes. He truly was the most frightening creature I had ever encountered. And then I got scared. Not for me, or my life, but for what they could do to each other.

Jasper noticed my fear and in a flash he was crouched protectively in front of me and I was sitting where he had been moments before. A rumbling sound was coming from both of them and again my fear rose. These two men had been brothers for longer than I had lived and now they were ready to kill each other. Kill each other over me, a pitiful human. There was no more doubt about that. I had awoken the beast in both of them and now their animal side was taking over. Nothing I could say or do was going to stop this fight. But that didn't mean I couldn't try.

"Stop it, both of you!" I shrieked and Edward's eyes shifted to me. I got up from the couch and tried to walk past Jasper to stand in between them, but he wouldn't let me.

"Let me through, Jasper," I said as calmly as possible and I knew he could feel my resolve. He turned his head slightly towards me, eyes still fixed on Edward and then shook no.

"Don't tell me what to do, Jess." I was playing dirty. He knew I didn't like being controlled, like Edward always did, and he had told me he would never force me to do anything. I sensed his internal struggle, but he did let me through in the end.

"Be careful, Bella," he warned me, "he's so enraged he might not be in control and hurt you."

"Hurt you?" Edward growled with so much malice in his voice I stopped mid stride next to Jasper. "You're the one who is drinking from her, you sick bastard."

I wanted to say something, defend Jasper, calm Edward down, but I couldn't find the words. What could I say to him? That I offered Jasper my blood because I can't live without him and that was the only way I could keep him in my life? That I love Jasper, but couldn't find it in myself to leave you, because I love you too. That I'm so torn inside between the two of you that sometimes I wished he drained me that first time he drank from me?

"I'm sorry, Edward," Jasper suddenly said to my surprise. "When I found out you two were engaged, I took it rather badly. I needed her and when she offered me her blood, I couldn't refuse. I love her."

When I heard his words, I felt my heart swell with all the love I felt for him. Jasper could feel it and he sent me all the love he had for me in return. Edward didn't feel the exchange, but he certainly read it in Jasper's mind and that sent him over the edge.

"She's mine!" he bellowed as he charged Jasper. I was shoved aside roughly and tried to watch what was happening pressed against the cabin wall. Most of the fight passed too fast for me to see, but I could hear all of it. Every time one of their fists made contact with the other's body, a thunderous bang reverberated through the entire room. I flinched at every contact, knowing someone I loved was getting hurt. It seemed to me that it was an evenly matched fight. Edward had the advantage of his superior speed and he knew what Jasper was thinking, but Jasper had countless years of experience fighting other vampires and everything came to him instinctively. And I was unexpectedly glad Jasper had confided me with his past, so I knew he could hold his own in a fight.

A horrible, metallic screeching sound reached my ears, so sickening I needed to cover my ears. I was nauseated when I saw a hand fly across the room and I started screaming stop, but they didn't hear me. I couldn't tell whose hand it was as both men were moving so fast I could hardly make them out. And then it came to me. I needed to make them stop. Only if I got hurt, they would realize what they were doing. So I approached them to see if they would notice me. They didn't. As I came closer, the sounds of the blows became deafening and I almost stopped from the shear menace that was radiating off of them. It was my love for both men that made me act the way I did. They wouldn't survive knowing they were the cause of the other one's death. I tried one more time to call at them to no avail. And in a final act of despair, I threw myself between them, fully expecting to get torn apart.

It wasn't as painful as I expected it to be. I got flung across the room and collided with the couch which was miraculously still intact and it toppled over with me on it. I landed on my back, all air punched out of my body on impact, a stinging pain above my right eyebrow. The smell of my blood from my head wound was already permeating the air as I touched my brow and saw the blood on my fingers. The room was eerily quiet and I realized they had stopped fighting. From where I was lying, I couldn't see them and I wondered what was going on. Then, I heard Edward's voice, too quietly for me to understand. The next second I was cradled in Jasper's arms and he was sealing my cut with his venom.

"What happened? Where's Edward?"

"What happened is that you were incredibly stupid and incredibly brave," he said, sending me soothing vibes to ease my pain. His eyes were golden again and he was smiling at me.

"I was so wrapped up in trying to stay alive and not hurting Edward, like I promised, I didn't notice when you threw yourself at us." His brow furrowed and I realized it was his hand that had been ripped off and the nausea was resurfacing.

"Don't worry, darling," he reassured me with wry smile, "I've already reattached it. It's painful, but I've been through worse."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, "I should never have made you promise that. Now you're the one that's hurt."

"Don't apologize, Bella. You were right." It looked like he wanted to say more, but he kept silent and refused to look me in the eyes.

"Tell me what happened next."

"You got hit in the head by me while I tried to punch Edward and you got catapulted through the room. Your brow was bleeding and the smell of blood in the air made us stop. It was more than Edward could handle, with his rage, his bloodlust was hard to control, so he left. He told me he would be back soon after he went for a quick hunt."

I nodded my head and tried to get up only to be stopped by Jasper.

"You bumped your head pretty hard, darling. I think you need Carlisle to give you a check-up." The concern in his voice was so great, I almost listened. But I knew I had to sort things out with Edward. That was more important now, although I had absolutely no idea what I was going to tell him or what to do. Jasper must have picked up on my indecisiveness, because he hugged my tightly while whispering in my ear: "Whatever you decide, I'll be here for you. We'll always be Jess and Ellie." Then he let me go and helped me to my feet.

"I'll leave you alone," he said and was gone.

For the second time tonight Edward appeared in the doorway and my heart started pounding. I motioned for him to come in, trying to find my voice. He put the couch back where it had been and we both sat down in front of the fireplace. I didn't know where to start and apparently neither did he, so we both sat in silence for some time.

"Why were you here tonight, Edward?" I finally asked, the appropriate apology still forming in my head. He sighed deeply and took my hand in his. He slowly caressed the back of my hand with his thumb and I turned to look at him. His eyes were still fixed on the fire, but he started talking.

"I came here to find Jasper. I wanted to talk to him about you, ask his advice."

"Advice about what?"

"About you. I had picked up some images in Emmett's head about you crying, being unhappy and I wanted to ask Jasper if he knew anything about that."

He turned to look at me and if he had been able to cry, tears would have stained his cheeks. The hurt was overwhelming and my own eyes were filling up.

"Were you ever going to marry me?" he asked in a broken voice and I nodded, not trusting my own voice.

"And were you going to be happy?"

"I don't think so," I croaked and he pulled his hand back as if I had slapped him.

"Did you even love me?"

"Of course I did. I love you still." That was the absolute truth. I would never stop loving him and it pained me to know he questioned that.

He moved his hand to my cheek and his eyes softened again. "If you still love me, we can work on it. I can change, I can grow, we can adjust…"

I could feel my resolve weakening, so I closed my eyes to gather my thoughts. I was beginning to realize things were never going to be perfect between us. Too much had passed and I didn't think he could truly change. He needed someone who wasn't as stubborn and willful as I am. He needed someone he could take care of instead of the other way around. And I was that person once, but not anymore.

I wrapped my fingers around his on my cheek and slowly pulled them away. In that moment I could see his life crashing before his eyes and my heart broke. He tried to pull me close, but I moved down the couch out of his reach. He looked at his empty hands in his lap and I had to suppress the urge to move closer again to hug him. When he looked up, his eyes were darker again and his voice flat.

"I'm not going to just leave it all now, Bella. You said it would for ever and that was your vow."

"No, Edward. It was never going to be forever. It was going to be as long as I live."

That was what made him cave in the end, knowing that he couldn't give me what I wanted. He told me he loved me, that he would love me until the end of time, gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek and left.

Finally alone, I could break down without witnesses. And when Jasper would return, he would never know just how much I was hurt…

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**AN: Phew, that wasn't easy to write. But I hope you're happy now. She has made her choice and this time, I have a feeling she'll stick with it :)**

**PS: If you like, don't forget to vote! ;-)**


	33. Chapter 32 Broken Hearted

**Chapter 32: Broken Hearted**

**JPOV**

Her hurt flowed freely over the forest, wave after wave, and I wondered if I should go in now. I had been the one causing it, did she even want to see me? I kept checking my cell, but nothing came. Nothing but her pain. In the end I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided that if she didn't want to see me, I needed to hear it from her.

As soon as she saw me, her pain was mixed with so many different emotions, it was hard for me to read them. And then she did what I grew used to. She straightened her face, preparing it for a fake smile, and she did the same with her feelings. This brave girl, concerned for my heart.

I quickly took the seat next to her, and placed my hands on her cheeks, stopping her from looking away. Her cheeks were dry, but she had clearly been crying. Eyelids red and swollen. She didn't look good, and that cut on her brow didn't help her appearance either. And yet, the fragility of this lovely human struck me much more than her strength, which was almost as impressive. I carefully wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me, grateful that she let me.

I still didn't know what had happened, but the pieces of the puzzle were slowly forming an image of Bella breaking up with Edward, leaving her in grief and guilt.

Her feelings towards me never left her and I focused on that love to get by this day as well.

"Don't hide from me, Ellie," I stated, and I hoped that she knew I didn't mean her puffy eyes.

"I have to. I don't want to hurt both of you," she answered, and a wave of guilt came over her, only to be pushed down again by her strong will.

"You don't have to. I know how it feels. I know you love me, but you have every right to mourn over the loss of your first love."

Those were clearly not the words that were going to comfort her. As soon as I had said 'first love', she fell apart in my arms, sobbing and wailing. I picked up guilt, regret, and simple pure heartbreak, while she choked words like "didn't mean to", "we said forever" and "I'm sorry".

As soon as she grew too exhausted to keep up the desperation, a part of her started hiding emotions again.

"Don't do it, darling, it's okay."

"I need to, Jess," she whispered, "it's what kept me sane in the past too, when Alice…"

At speaking Alice's name, a new wave of hurt and shame hit her, and again I rocked her in my arms, kissing her hair and doing all that was in my power to not use my gift on her. If she wasn't allowed to fake her feelings, then I needed to let her have them in all honesty as well. All I could do was let her feel I wasn't going anywhere.

I wasn't upset by her hurt over Edward, I knew very well how much she loved him, and I would have felt extremely guilty for breaking their hearts if I hadn't been convinced that in the end she would be happier with me.

At last I felt her exhaustion taking over and she slumped against my chest. Fast asleep, but still emitting hurt and loss.

I lay her in the bed, not wanting her to wake up sore, and sat next to her.

I didn't want to leave her alone for just a second, but a while later, Edward returned.

His concern etched with love and his shattered heartache nearly brought me to my knees. And knowing that I would make Bella happy in the end didn't help me with that, because Edward had never been more miserable and this breakup wasn't in his advantage one single bit.

Because I didn't feel anger, while he knew all that was in my mind, I stepped outside, feeling that he wanted to talk to me.

We walked away from the cabin a bit, although we probably wouldn't wake her up.

"How… how is she?" he spoke, with much effort.

"I'm sure you saw that in my head, Edward," I answered, wondering if that's what he wanted to talk about.

"No, I… if you'll excuse me, I prefer not to be in your head right now."

"Oh. Well, she's heartbroken, as could be expected, but…." I wondered if I would add that I still believed it was for the best.

"Heartbroken? But why? I mean, she ended it, she wanted to be with you, I thought…"

"You thought what? She would be having a party now?"

I felt sorry for him, didn't he know then how much she loved him?

"Not a party… I thought you two would be, I don't know…"

"Oh."

It suddenly dawned on me that he was in the conviction that me and Bella had been acting on our love for each other.

"Edward, you know I wouldn't."

At this his anger rose again. He responded between clenched teeth "for god's sake Jasper, don't you talk to me about the things you would or would not do."

Before I could answer, he mastered his rage again and said in a normal voice "I'm sorry, I promised myself I wouldn't. I needed to talk to you and… it's just hard."

"I know. I'm sorry too. I hope you know that I didn't want for things to go this way, I tried to fight the feelings, I swear."

"That doesn't matter now," he interrupted me, "all that matters to me now is Bella."

"I agree. She is most important to me as well."

"I beg to differ, Jasper. What I witnessed today…"

Disgust was in his voice and I knew what he meant. I lowered my head, not knowing what to say.

He continued, with a measured pace as if he had practiced what to say, and knowing Edward he probably had. "I know she loves you and I know you love her. And even though I told her I wouldn't leave it at this, I think I will have to respect her choice to… be with you. But… I can't accept you drinking her blood."

Those last words were spoken with much effort, a fierce look in his eyes. "I won't accept it Jasper. It is so like Bella to offer this, but it's not like you to accept. It's sick. Please Jasper, tell me you agree."

"I agree," I whispered, thoroughly ashamed.

"Alright. Now do what you have to do to never let this happen again. Even though she would be safe, it's wrong. You simply can not. Ever."

I nodded, knowing he was right. I knew that all along, but somehow me and Bella had seemed like this team on a mission, willing to go real far to beat the addiction. The price had been too high, we had gone off track.

I looked up at him and even though I could feel his pain in the air, the sight of him still struck me.

In the back of my mind, questions started to pop up. Would he stay with the Cullens? Would we? And would we ever feel like brothers again?

"I don't know," he whispered, obviously hearing my mind again.

"I would like that, but I understand if you can never…"

"Never is a long time, Jasper. That's something else you're gonna need to think about. She wants to be turned."

"I know."

"So have you made up your mind then?"

"I believe it's not my decision to make. But I'd say let's not rush things. Especially not now."

She wanted to be turned because she was certain she would love him forever. But now they are not together anymore. How certain can she ever be with me then? Forever is indeed a long time.

Edward nodded and then we both heard a sound coming from the cabin. If I had paid better attention, I would have felt her despair rising again, indicating that she wasn't dreaming but waking up to her personal nightmare.

Edward knew she was sobbing as well, I could feel different emotions coming from him. Pain that his Bella was hurt, but no longer his to comfort and somehow a slight trace of relief, that he wasn't the only one hurting over their lost love.

"You should… go." He pointed towards the cabin and then looked me in the eyes. "Take good care of her, and please remember what we agreed."

"I will," I said, before I turned around and rushed towards her, held her in my arms again.

Apparently her sleep hadn't been soothing enough.

"How could I do this to him, first say yes, the engagement party and then betray him like this?" she whined.

"Hush darlin, he understands, he'll be okay," I answered, and I prayed that I would be right. Once more her anguish faded, and the tear flow was slowing, although her frame was shaken from time to time with remaining sobs.

"What are we gonna do?" she asked, her trusting eyes resting upon mine.

I didn't exactly understand what she meant, but the answer would stay the same. "I don't know."

"Are we…. together?"

That thought made me pull her a little tighter for just a second.

"Let's not worry about that right now. The future will be there soon enough. Let's just be Jess and Ellie for a while, highly unlikely but very close friends who have supported each other through many things." We weren't in any state for decision making anyway.

"I'm confused Jess. I'm so aware of where I am, but I don't know where that is, and there's something right in front of me. I need to know it's you."

"I am here, darlin, I promise, I'll be right in front of you."

These seemed to be the right words at last, the one thing she needed to hear, and with the deep sigh, some sort of peace came over her. Not a fake reproduction this time, but something real.

I lay us down in the bed so she could sleep comfortably and hold me at the same time.

Her trust in me was oozing from her as she dozed off, and although I didn't have all the answers and could only try to make her happy, this much I knew, I would be right in front of her.

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**AN: Now the decision is made, things are about to change. Please share your thoughts.**

**And don't forget to vote! ;-) (more info on our profile)**


	34. Chapter 33 Face the Music

**Chapter 33: Face the Music**

**BPOV**

We were standing on the doorstep, holding hands and my heart was practically pounding out of my chest. Nervousness was the one emotion I had the least control over. Not that it would have mattered anyway; I had promised Jasper to never reign in my emotions anymore when he was around. He in turn had promised not to manipulate my emotions without my consent.

And now here I was, at the doorstep of the Cullen house, getting killed very slowly by my own nerves. At least they would know why I had ended my engagement with Edward. Talking to Charlie had been hell. I couldn't tell him that I was in love with Jasper, so I had led him to believe that I wasn't ready to get married so young, something he could understand. He thought Edward and I were simply on a break until I got my act together. I wasn't looking forward to the conversation where I had to tell him I had moved on to Edward's older brother.

Jasper squeezed my hand slightly in reassurance, bringing me back to the present and I took a couple of deep breaths. I was mentally chastising myself for having come up with this brilliant plan. _We have to tell them face to face we're together, Jess,_ I had told him. _We owe it to them to be honest._ He had protested at first, telling me they would understand none the less, but I just had to have it my way. My reasoning was escaping me at this point in the face of what I suddenly expected to turn out to be some sort of battle. Oh great, I was referring to it with army analogies. That would make the situation just perfect.

The vampires inside had to realize we were at their door so there was absolutely no point in postponing this and I pushed the door open. Carlisle and Esme were waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs, holding hands exactly like Jasper and I were doing. For a moment the four of us stood there, looking at the others, before a knowing smile broke through on both their faces.

"We're very happy for the both of you," Esme spoke, holding out her arms for us. Relief washed over me as I rushed into her arms. I didn't know what to say and Esme's tight hug made it seem like everything was fine. But I knew it wasn't and their understanding irked me, so I disentangled myself from her grip.

"Maybe you shouldn't be happy," I said, addressing her and Carlisle at the same time. "Maybe you should be mad at me, at us, for crushing the heart of your first son. I mean, how the hell can you be happy on a moment like this. I've hurt him so bad I don't know if he's ever going to be the same person again."

I hadn't planned on saying those things. I had expected to have to defend myself and my relationship with Jasper and the fact that they showed no resentment at all towards us baffled me. And it made me angry. The fact that Jasper was sending me small amounts of calm although he promised not to, wasn't helping either. I glared at him and he stopped it immediately giving me a dazzling smile, trying to get me to forgive him. Stupid dazzling vampires.

Carlisle and Esme stood silent, perplexed by my words. Then realization dawned in Carlisle's eyes and he in turn pulled me into a hug.

"Oh Bella dear, we were never going to be angry with you. We know you didn't mean for all this to happen. You haven't intentionally hurt Edward and we know that," he said into my hair as tears started to pool in my eyes. Not reigning in my emotions was putting me on a rollercoaster like the hormonal teenager I was supposed to be. I tried to suppress my tears and I managed to with a little help from Jasper that I gladly accepted this time. When I had calmed down, Carlisle took me by the shoulders and forced me to look in his eyes.

"We love you, Bella, and all we want is for you to be happy. Esme and I have realized a long time ago that marrying Edward wasn't going to give you the happiness you deserved, but that was something you needed to find out for yourself. We're just sorry it had to be accompanied with so much heart ache."

I finally understood why they weren't angry with me. They had seen this coming for a long time. I wished I had. I hugged Carlisle and Esme again, whispering how much I loved them and how grateful I was to be part of the family. After that I needed to hold on to Jasper again. Although we had decided to take things slow, I couldn't bare to be near him and not touch him. And judging by the way he grabbed my hand, I know he felt the same way.

"And now the hard part," he whispered in my ear, kissing it gently, sending shivers down my spine. Turning to Carlisle, he asked: "Where can we find Emmett and Rose?"

This was the part I dreaded the most. Emmett thought of himself as my big brother and personal protector and Jasper was sure he was going to react badly to the news Jasper didn't share his brotherly feelings towards me. He had told me that Rosalie wouldn't care who I was with, but I sincerely doubted that. If she could find a reason to like me even less she would jump on it.

Carlisle told us they were out shopping, but he expected them back soon, so we decided to hang around the house. Esme fixed me something to eat and after that we talked. They wanted to know what our plans for the future were and although we hadn't discussed it in detail yet, we had a good sense of what we wanted. We had decided to go to college the coming year; we just weren't sure which one yet. That should give me the time to catch up with Jasper age wise. He seemed to be in his early twenties rather than a teenager and if I looked the same, we figured our lives as vampires would be a lot easier and Carlisle and Esme seemed to agree. Or maybe they were simply agreeing because we weren't rushing into things. The only thing Esme asked was whether I was absolutely sure if I wanted to become a vampire. I haven't been so sure of anything my entire life and I told her that.

Rosalie and Emmett came home not long after that and the atmosphere turned tense right away. The compromising position Jasper and I were in wasn't helping our case. I was sitting in his lap and he was placing soft kisses along the back of my neck. As soon as Emmett saw us a growl was coming from his chest and through gritted teeth he ordered Jasper to go outside with him. At the same time Rosalie beckoned for me to follow her upstairs. After a quick kiss from Jasper and encouraging smiles from Carlisle and Esme, I got up and followed Rose, better get it over with. My legs seemed to have turned into lead and I had this nagging feeling I was walking down death row. We entered her room and she sat down on their bed, patting the place next to her. With a deep breath I sat down, waiting for all hell to break loose.

"Emmett is furious, you know," she started.

"I figured as much," I mumbled in response.

"He really considers you his baby sister and it shocked him to his core to realize Jasper didn't share his feelings."

Thus far no surprises.

"And what about you, Rosalie, how do you feel about this?"

"Well, personally, I don't care who you fuck," she stated bluntly in her typical fashion. "But if you ever hurt Jasper the way you've hurt Edward I will hunt you down and tear you to pieces," she hissed turning to look at me. There was something in her eyes and voice that stopped me from responding to her words.

"All these years pretending to be twins has had its effect on me and Jasper truly is my brother. I may look and act like a cold hearted bitch, but I love Jasper almost just as much as I love Emmett and after all he has been through he could use some happiness."

I was momentarily stunned by her proclamation and then she surprised me even more by extending her hand to me.

"If you make him happy, I gladly accept you as my sister," she said and I shook her hand still not quite sure what to say.

"Uhm, thanks Rosalie, I guess… I had no idea you felt that way about Jasper."

"He knows and that's all that matters to me."

Now I understood why Jasper hadn't feared her reaction. It seemed like she did have a heart in there somewhere. She would never be my biggest fan, but in time we might become friends after all.

Jasper and Emmett took a lot longer to come to an agreement, but when they finally did there was no resentment left. Once Emmett had made up his mind, he didn't question his decision anymore. He told me it was all water under the bridge and that he was glad I was still his little sister. He even agreed to join Jasper and me to the college of my choice; to keep an eye on us lovebirds as he put it.

There was a bit of an awkward moment later that day when Edward turned up and found us all laughing and telling stories in the living room. Jasper and I made a hasty exit, telling everyone we would be staying in the cottage for a little while longer to have a bit of privacy and to not upset Edward with our displays of affection. I didn't talk to him, but the look on his face said it all. It would be a long time before he could be in my presence without either one of us being torn.

Back at our cabin Jasper and I settled on the couch, listening to some of our favorite music. I was sitting between his legs and he was softly rubbing my shoulders, massaging away the tension of the past day. That in turn was creating a different kind of tension, one that I felt in the pit of my stomach and between my legs.

"You better stop doing that, Jess," I said, stilling his hands with my own.

"Why is that, darling?" he asked innocently.

"I'm pretty sure you know what you're doing to me and we can't. Not yet anyways."

He sighed and removed his hands. "You're right. I just can't seem to keep my hands off of you."

His words made my heart leap and some wetness started to gather between my legs. But at the same time I knew we couldn't go there. It was too soon. Too soon after Edward and too soon after he drank my blood. It was a mutual decision to wait, but now we were both having control issues.

I crawled from between his legs and sat down next to him so I could look at his eyes. They were still gold to my surprise and he smiled at me.

"Pretty good control, hu," he taunted me, "better than yours anyway."

"I can't help being a horny teenager," I laughed, "it's what I am."

"I cant' help being a bloodthirsty vampire," he retorted, "but you don't see me eating you."

The innuendo was obvious and I bit my bottom lip to prevent me from attacking his mouth. This game was slowly torturing me to death.

"Would kissing be part of taking it slow?" I asked and moved closer to him. We hadn't exchanged more than a few light pecks since we were officially together and I wanted, no needed, more.

"I think kissing would be okay," he whispered in a husky voice and leaned closer to me.

My eyes were fixed on his full lips that were closing in on mine. When our lips touched I closed my eyes and moaned softly. He grabbed the back of my head and drew me closer while I threw my hands around his neck. We opened our mouths at the same time and began exploring with our tongues. The kiss was soft and gentle and loving, perfect in every way. Jasper was pouring all his love into it and once again we were wrapped in our little cocoon.

For the longest time we sat there, kissing gently, until my control was slipping. I deepened the kiss and let my hands wander over his chest. He growled softly in response and his hands were sliding lower cupping my butt cheeks and pulling me closer. He lifted me up and positioned me on his lap so that I was straddling him without breaking our kiss. Both his hands had found their way underneath my shirt and he was now caressing my bare back causing goose bumps to appear all over my skin. I moaned into his mouth when he scraped his nails slightly over my skin. I pressed my body flush against him wanting to touch as much of him as I could. When my overheated center came into contact with his straining member we both jerked back, panting heavily.

"I'm sorry," I told him, not feeling sorry at all, the desire making my voice sound much lower.

"No you're not," Jasper said with a smirk.

"How long do you think we have to wait?"

"Let's give us a week. If I can stop myself from eating you the coming week, I think we will be fine."

He felt my disappointment and chuckled darkly, pulling me into a hug, whispering "my little vixen" in my hair. This was without a doubt going to be the longest week of my life.

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**AN: Sorry that we're taking longer to update, we just couldn't keep up with the pace anymore. Hopefully you're all comforted with this chapter, Bella won't be returning to Edward and it's about to get hot in here :)**


	35. Chapter 34 A Summer's Day

**AN: I want to apologize for the delay, took a bit of an Easter Break. Forgive me? Thankfully Baruka jumped to the rescue to finish this chapter! ****:) Enjoy!**

**Kaitsa**

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**Chapter 34: A Summer's Day**

**JPOV**

We knew things were going to get hot, but this we had not anticipated. And this time I wasn't the one suffering. In fact, her suffering eased mine. She lay flat on the ground, hair splayed on the cold tiles and she sighed. Again.

My chuckle earned me a angry glare, but when her eyes met mine, she couldn't help a lovesick smile.

"Don't laugh, Jess, this is not funny."

"Aw poor little human can't stand a little summertime?" I teased, knowing that she was way too overheated to be bothered with annoyance.

"A little summertime?! Don't call 95 degrees a little summer! Humans are dying," she responded, but then lay her head on the cabin floor again, eyes closed.

"I'm sorry, baby, you need some more water?"

In fact, despite my teasing banter, I was a little worried about her. She had been so beaten down by the heat, while her heart rate stayed up high, and with the amounts of sweat that she had poured, I was wondering how there could be still some Bella left.

"Hmmm," she agreed, and I reached into the bucket with ice and crushed it easily in my palm before handing her the glass of water on the rocks. She gulped it down and rested again, patting the floor and inviting me to lay down. I didn't need to feel the cool tiles on my skin, but I wouldn't decline an invitation to be next to her.

After finally deciding to all subscribe to the University of Guelph, Canada, we had filled the past few days with many active things, trying to tire her thoroughly so that at least one of us wasn't too horny. If she would be, it would only increase my lust for her as well.

I must say that this new strategy, although of course unplanned, was way more effective. As she lay here sweating and panting next to me, enticing me in every possible way, sex was the last thing on her mind.

My mind however was difficult to distract, as I now focused on a bead of sweat that slowly made its way from her face towards her neck. I reached with my finger and followed the trail and she shivered beneath my touch. I guess she's still concious enough to be affected by me. She opened her eyes and turned her face towards me, her flush cheek against the back of my hand.

"It's not fair."

"I know it's not, babe."

"I mean that you are so much cooler than these tiles and that I can't lay on you."

I smiled sympathetically, but inwardly I cursed. Why, oh why can't she lay down on me? My eyes roamed her body again. She had wondered before if removing her shirt and shorts would help against the heat, but knowing I wouldn't be able to handle that, I had advised against it. Relieved that she was still a little bit covered up.

But now… now her shirt was so wet with sweat and iced water she had accidentally spilled to cool down, that it clung to her stomach. In such a way that made me see her heart beating through it.

I looked back up to her face and saw her eyes roll away as she sighed. I was afraid she was fainting. I know her comment about humans dying was quite an exaggeration, but I was worried nevertheless.

I grabbed an ice cube and gently slid it over her forehead and her bright red cheeks. Without opening her eyes, a small smile splayed across her lips and I felt happy that I could help her a little. Moving the cube over her face and neck, leaving a cool wet trail that replaced the sweat. As soon as the cube was molten, I took another one. I could tell that she was relaxing, her heart beat was calming down and I hoped that she might even fall asleep to wake to a cooler night after sunset.

The ice cube slid over her neck and her shoulders, down her arms and over her hands. I wasn't sure if the twitching of her fingers meant that she was still awake, but either way, she emitted contentment, so I was pleased.

As time went on however, my focus on her body started to slowly take over, and the ice cube seemed to move more and more often towards the swelling of her breasts beneath her neck. There was no stopping it, it had a mind of its own, and who was I to deny. I didn't stop at the edge of her wet top, but slid the wet ice over it. As the cold reached her nipples, I saw them harden at the touch, and that was my undoing.

I leaned over her and let my tongue follow the same path as the ice cube had done moments before ending at her nipple. I sucked on it through the fabric and then gently bit on it. Bella moaned underneath me, but when I looked up her eyes were still closed. Her heart rate was picking up again though and I realized this was her telling me I could go on.

I was past the point of no return now and all I wanted was to taste every inch of her. Being deprived of her blood, her sweat was the next best thing. She tasted divine, as always. I placed open mouthed kisses on every square inch of exposed skin I could find.

I was working my way up her leg, licking at the inside of her tigh, when I noticed I couldn't feel her anymore; she was clouding again.

"Honey, let me feel you," I whispered against her skin.

"No," she moaned, "I you feel it now, you'll take me right here, right now and I enjoy what you're doing too much."

When her words sunk in, I knew she was right. Even her saying it made me want to ravish her and my cock had become painfully hard.

_Patience Jasper_. I wanted this to be about her. I wanted to do to her exactly what I had told her before and then some.

"I'm running out of bare skin here," I told her huskyly and I've never seen her move as quickly as she did right now, removing her shirt. I quickly grabbed a pillow off the couch and slid it under her head as she laid back down. Her eyes were closed in anticipation and she was nibling on her bottom lip.

How many times I had wanted to suck that lip into my mouth when she did that… And now I could. I crouched over her and licked her lip. She released it from between her teeth and I sucked on it gently. Her tongue darted out of her mouth as well and when hers met mine, we lost ourselves in a slow, loving kiss. I could kiss her for all eternity and I would, but now, I had something else in mind.

I let go of her lips and she opened her eyes and started pouting. She knew I'd have a hard time resisting those lips when she did that. I chuckled at her eagerness and sent her a wave of lethargy so she'd close her eyes again.

"No fair," she whispered drowsily. I never promised I'd play fair.

I turned my attention to her breasts. They were magnificent. It was like they were made to fit in my hands and I was wondering how I could have stayed away from them until now. I took her right nipple in my mouth and she unwillingly arched her back. The lethargy was gone now and her heart was pounding furiously. While my tongue and mouth were paying attention to the right nipple, my left hand was massaging her left breast and nipple. Bella started moaning again and the sound shot straight to my cock.

I wanted to taste more of her and I travelled south with my kisses. When I reached the edge of her trousers, I felt some apprehension leaking through.

"I told you before what I wanted to do to you, honey. Do you want me to?"

"Yes," she whispered and her emotions crashed down on me all at once. The amount of love and lust was drowning out the apprehension and she was right; I wanted to take her right then and there. I mustered all the self control I had left and gently shrugged of her shorts and panties.

As she lay before me, she was a picture of perfection. Her naked chest heaving in desire and her legs spread before me showing me the wondrous land I was about to taste. She was looking at me now, eyes sparkling with lust and I felt mine increase a hundredfold.

I positioned myself on my stomach between her legs and let my tongue taste every inch of her. I wanted this to last forever, so I used featherlight licks on her, barely touching her at all. Nevertheless, she was writhing underneath my touch in minutes, sighing my name. I could feel the tension building inside her as she started moaning louder, but I kept my ministrations the same.

When she couldn't take it any longer, she fisted her hands in my hair and moaned: "Stop teasing me and make me come, Jess."

I sucked her clit into my mouth and started licking her a bit harder. That sent her over the edge and she screamed out my name as her hips lifted from the floor.

I let go off her and sat up between her legs so I could see the aftermaths of her high shake through her body, meanwhile licking my own lips, relishing in her taste.

She slowly opened her eyes and smiled at me. "Look who's all smug now," she said and sat up on her knees before me. She took my face in her hands and planted a soft kiss on my lips where her taste was still lingering. In that kiss, she poored all the love she felt for me and it would've brought me to me knees were I still standing.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too."

"But…"

"But what?" I said slightly confused as to what she meant.

"But I'm still hot," she said with a pout and I could feel the naughtiness pour off of her. "I need your body on mine to cool down."

"Now do you, Ellie?"

"Yes, I do. Preferably without clothes."

I growled and pushed her on her back. In an instant all my clothes were gone and her desire spiked again. She shivered from being pressed between my hard form and the tiled floor and then I realized what I was about to do. I was about to have sex with her on the floor. Way to be a gentleman, Jasper.

I picked her up from the floor and before she even knew it we were on the couch, me leaning back while she was straddling my lap.

"Just thought this might be a bit more comfortable," I explained and she smiled.

"I haven't done it like this before, you know," she said with an undertone of embarrassement.

I pulled her into an embrace and whispered into her ear: "Good, I want to be your first in as many things as I can."

My words made her shiver again and her arousal increased even more. She looked straight into my eyes and grabbed my cock with one of her tiny hands. She couldn't even fit her fingers around it. She got up on her knees and positioned herself over my dick and very slowly slid down over it.

I couldn't stop myself from growling. She was so tight I wouldn't last very long. But apparently neither would she. She was moaning loudly, in pleasure, not in pain, that much was sure. I thrust my hips upward and now she started growling as well. I had no idea I could do this to a woman without even using my gift. Our hips were moving in sync and we never took our eyes off of each other.

When her moves were getting erratic, I grabbed her hips and started guiding our movements. Her climax started racking through her body while she once again screamed out my name and her walls clenching down on me made me shoot my load with an almost deafening roar.

She slumped against my chest, completely exhausted, but filled with more happiness than I had ever felt of her.

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**AN: I hope that fulfilled some of your expectations... It was a bit weird being in Jasper's head like that, but now I could make him do exactly as Bella wanted *grin***

**Baruka**


	36. Chapter 35 Guelph, Canada

**AN: Sorry it took us so long to update. We hope we're on track again for more regular updates. Go on and read...**

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**Chapter 35: Guelph, Canada**

**BPOV**

I was trying to reign in my giddy nervousness, but judging by the smirk on Jasper's face, I wasn't doing a very good job. Today was my first day of college, something he and the rest of the family had experienced dozens of times before, so he was amused at my anxiousness and insecurity of being a freshman.

He was carying the boxes with stuff to decorate my dorm room. All freshman students in Guelph stayed in dorms and I ended up in Johnston Hall in the North Rez, as people called it. It reminded me of home in Forks and I found it oddly reassuring. We were walking down the wide hallways, trying to locate the assigned room. At least I didn't need to worry about who my room mate was going to be, since Rosalie and I were going to share a room. If you had told me that a year ago, I would've laughed my ass off. But during the summer, we had grown closer. Not that we were BFF's now, but we could be around each other without her throwing a bitch fit and me being intimidated and/or irritated by her behavior. In any case, she said she wasn't going to be around much since Emmett's room was across the hall from us.

Emmett and Jasper were sharing a dorm room as well, very conveniently located right on the other side of the hallway. I wondered what kind of bribe had made sure of that. There was a silent agreement between the four of us that Jasper was staying over with me and Rose would be found in Emmett's room. It would almost be like living together. Not that that would be any different from what we had been doing all summer. At one point Emmett started joking we were attached at the hip.

"Room 204, here it is," I exclaimed and at the same time the door on the opposite side of the hall flew open, showing a beaming Emmett.

"Hey little sis, you're finally here. Did you get lost or something?"

I felt a slight blush creeping up my cheeks, because we actually did get lost. I had insisted on driving from the new Cullen home to the dorm, so I could take in the surroundings and to make sure I knew my way around the place. I had even forbidden Jasper to help me, hence the getting lost. Annoyed by the fact that Emmett made me blush again, I huffed and flipped him off, earning me a chuckle from Jasper.

Giving my big vamp brother the finger wouldn't have crossed my mind a couple of months ago, but being with Jasper had really given my self esteem a boost. I had come into my own, one could say, both sexually and as a person. I finally felt worth it to be with Jasper, to be a Cullen. It also meant I wasn't as easily embarrassed around Emmett anymore and we had lots of fun teasing the other during the summer. There was only one thing left to get me to blush frequently and that was my absent sense of orientation. I hated it when I resembled a stereotypical girl and he used that often to drive me up the walls.

I unlocked the room, while Jasper and Emmett were conversing silently. Rose had done a fabulous job getting the room ready for me. The two single beds that were in the room were pushed together to create one giant bed I could share with Jasper. It was directly across from the door, beneath a large window that overlooked the back yard of the building. The walls were freshly painted in a warm redbrown and red curtains were lining the window. On the left side was a large desk, with on it two picture frames, one showing a picture of me and Charlie at graduation; the other was a picture of the entire Cullen family posing in front of their house in Forks. I had never seen that photograph before and suddenly I realized they had taken this especially for me to remember them and the house by; me not having a perfect memory and all.

Jasper had followed me into the room and put the boxes with the last of my things down next to the door. Emmett was standing in the doorway, but I decided to ignore him for the time being. I walked up to Jasper and he pulled me into his arms. I sighed my little happy sigh I had let out more than I could count over the last few months and Emmett chuckled.

"I think that's my cue to leave," he said and pulled the door closed behind him.

"Tell Rose I love the room," I said in a normal tone.

"She says you're welcome," Jasper whispered into my hair. "Now what do you want to do first? Unpack or go on a tour of the place?"

"Well, I was thinking of doing something else first."

"And what would that be, darling?" Japser asked, while his eyes were rapidly turning darker. There was no surprising him with my intentions, since I had promised to give him full access to my feelings, but he liked it when I spoke them out loud.

"I was thinking we could baptize our new room first," I said in my most innocent tone.

"And annoy Emmett a little?" he asked, while he started kissing my neck and ear, his hands slowly unbuttoning his shirt.

I mock gasped, "that thought hadn't even crossed my mind, Jasper."

"Yeah right," he said between kisses and lifted my t-shirt over my head. "Desk or bed?" he added while picking me up.

"Desk."

He sat me down on the edge of the desk and with a flick of his fingers, my bra was gone. I leaned back on my elbows, as he started sucking on my nipple. Most of the time, I loved it when he took it slow and took his time to make me come first. Now though, my desire for him was getting the better of me. He was so in tune with my emotions, he knew what I needed immediately. He unbuttoned my jeans and slid it off me along with my panties, only to be naked himself not one second later. We stilled for one second, looking in each other eyes, seeing our love and naked want mirrored in the other's faces. There was no need to talk, but I did anyway.

"Fuck me, Jess," I moaned as he grabbed my hips to position me in front of his dick. I wrapped my legs around him as he thrusted deep inside of me. He took hold of my knees for leverage and I leaned back again, giving me a good look of my vampire sex god. His black eyes were locked onto mine, amplifying our lust between us until I could take no more. I tried to hold back my screams, something there was never any need for before. Jasper leaned forward and offered his hand for me to bite on, which I gladly accepted. Just as a bit down, Jasper thrust harder and seconds later, he growled my name, almost too quiet for me to hear, shooting his load inside of me. I loved it when my orgasm made him come.

In my post-coïtal bliss, I suddenly realized, I had nothing to clean myself up with. I had no paper towels yet in the room and there was no ensuite bathroom. When Jasper felt my emotion and saw the look on my face, we both burst into laughter.

"So far for the baptism," I giggled. "Do you have any idea how to get cleaned up, without spreading you sperm all over my room?"

"Why did you have to say that out loud, Ellie?" Jasper said in a pained voice. "Now we're never going to hear the end of it from Emmett."

"Woopsie," I said, my giggles getting louder. He rolled his eyes at me, but I knew he was just as amused as I was. In the end I used his boxers to clean up, got dressed and made my way over to the bathroom. Jasper would have to go commando for the rest of the day, something he didn't mind. If we could survive Emmett's remarks, this first college day would be perfect.

That first week rushed by so fast, I had a hard time remembering everything that happened. Classes turned out to take way more of my time than I had anticipated. Why did I have to major in sciences? We had about 40 hours of class and labs, luckily the labs started only the third week of the semester, giving us all the time to get settled in.

My first class was so overwhelming I was glad I had Jasper by my side to send me some serious calming vibes. There were about 800 people in that class, Basic Biology, and we were given so much information I had to resort to Jasper's perfect memory, because I couldn't keep track with my notes. I managed to struggle through it without having a full on panic attack and it felt like a little victory to me. For the next classes, I knew what to expect, so I came better prepared and when I survived the one class I had without Jasper, I realized I could do this.

What I wasn't prepared for were the parties. There seemed to be a party in my building every night that first week. Determined to have the full college experience, I wanted to attend every single one of them. After the first one, the three vampires decided to stay away; too many drunk people. I understood and suggested to stay in as well, but they wouldn't hear of it. They were backing me all the way with the whole college experience. Although it seemed like Jasper was regretting that decision, when I had my first hang-over and I didn't make it to the bathroom in time to go and throw up. Only three days in and Emmett was calling me 'college girl gone wild'. After that, Jasper and I had a long talk about drinking opposed to having fun and I promised to reign it in a little. That didn't stop me from having the time of my life though. I felt liberated and happy and that influenced Jasper greatly.

Eventually routine with classes and labs set in and there wasn't much time left to party anymore. Me and my newly made friends would go out on Friday evening, celebrating the end of the week and the rest of my evenings were equally divided between Jasper and school work. And with him being in a lot of my classes, lines between them weren't very clear. In the weekends, the four of us, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper and I would hang out or visit something in the area, sometimes joined by Carlisle and Esme. Edward had decided to go study in London for a year, but he came by sometimes to visit. The awkwardness between us was slowly fading and I was confident he would be joining us the next year.

All in all, life was good and I was happy, beit very tired from time to time. There was something missing though, only I couldn't quite put my finger on it... It was just a feeling, hidden deep inside, a fleeting thought in the back of my mind. Until one day I realized what it was. I had been biting my lip absently while working through my notes, when I tasted blood. I looked up to Jasper and saw his eyes darken instantly. He closed them almost immediately, not wanting me to see it, but he was too late. When he opened them, his normal honey colored eyes were staring back at me, but I knew. He was still tempted by my blood and I was slowly torturing him. Feeling my feelings, he sighed deeply and motioned for me to come sit next to him on the bed. It was time for 'the talk'.

"I don't want you to feel pressured, Ellie," he said taking my hands in his.

"I know, Jess. And I want you to know I'm not ready yet. But we've postponed this conversation for too long."

He sighed in relief at my words.

"But I also want you to know," I continued, "that I haven't changed my mind. I want to become a vampire."

"I know," he simply said and with those words he sent me all the love and acceptance for my decision he had. "It won't take long anymore though and there are some decisions that need to be made. We have to fake your death, get you new papers and find a place to live while you are a newborn."

I knew all those things were necessary, so I had looked up a lot of stuff, when I was procrastinating from my school work. A car crash, although quite a cliché to fake a death, was easiest. The trouble was making sure the authorities didn't perform an autopsy on whichever body ended up in the car. Jasper assured me Carlisle could handle everything concerning the accident and the body involved. Papers were easier to come by, since Jasper had a contact who could arrange it quickly for the right sum of money. I had asked Carlisle whether I could take his name and he had agreed. I would become Isabella Cullen for the time being. Later on, if Jasper and I decided to get married, I could always take his name. As for the place to live in, I wanted to go to Alaska. I had heard so many stories about the Denali clan, I couldn't wait to meat them actually.

When all the decisions were made, I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. The only thing left was the actual change. But there was no hurry in that now.

"Do you have any idea when you want to change?" Jasper asked later that evening, when we were cuddled up on the bed.

"I'm so happy here like this, I'm not quite ready yet. I'd like to finish this year for certain. But after that, I don't know. I don't want to wait too long once I decide I'm ready."

"What do you suggest?"

"I'd like you to bite me the moment I tell you I'm ready. I believe at one point, I will just know, and there will be no reason to wait anymore."

I didn't know if that explanation even made sense, but he nodded and hugged me tightly. We were all set to start the next phase in our lives. In the mean time, I was going to savour the last months of my humanity to the limit.

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**AN: She's come a long way since that first chapter, hopefully you're still enjoying it.**


	37. Chapter 36 Nostalgia

**Chapter 36: Nostalgia**

**JPOV**

I was leaning against the kitchen counter, in a very human pose, hands in my pockets, watching her. And solely occupied by that.

She wasn't bothered anymore by this kind of odd behavior, as she called it. She was humming a lame Christmas song while stirring in a pot of hot chocolate; a tradition on Christmas morning, she had said, with a solemn look on her face. The word "tradition" had often been accompanied by that same look this week, although it was clear to me that celebrating Christmas with both her parents was new to her like a brand new toy to a kid.

Carlisle and Esme had invited Charlie and Renée over for the holidays, so we could all be together. She was beaming ever since they arrived and even more so when she noticed that they both pulled an incredible effort to not only be polite and charming with my family but also with each other.

My girl was happy, and therefore so was I. She had been for a while now. I recalled the last months.

Us living together in that dorm worked even better than I had anticipated. We had fallen into a pleasant routine, of hunting, studying, socializing and making love. We didn't talk much about our future, which would look very different than the life we have, we mainly focused on here and now.

My thoughts faded as I once again immersed myself into her human feelings and emotions, which were very entertaining these days.

I must have been projecting a bit of my own, because she slowly looked my way, after turning off the stove and moving the pot, and gave me a brilliant smile. Our eye contact broke as her gaze travelled over my body, and I knew that her hands itched to slide underneath my shirt just as much as my skin craved to be touched by her.

We agreed to be a good boy and girl this week, since we were in a house with her parents and lots of vampires. We sort of got used to being overheard by Emmett and Rosalie, but I believe that Edward's presence now had more to do with her sudden shyness. I readily agreed as I didn't want to ruin the slowly regenerating bond we had with him.

After months of avoiding each other, both Edward and Bella were coming around and I started picking up on friendly feelings. Obviously Edward was still struggling, but he had decided that family and friendship would be more important now, which was a great relief to me. I cared deeply about my brothers and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for putting him through this hurt.

Of course now, having the Christmas break with Bella and having agreed to be good, made us want to be bad all the more. I could see it in her look, without even reading her emotions. She breathed in deeply, and I could almost hear her brain trying to figure out a way for us to be together without anyone noticing. We both looked through the window towards the forest and then back into each other's eyes.

Unfortunately the fast building tension was broken by Renée stepping in. Bella quickly pulled herself together, rambled something about hot chocolate and started pouring water in the sink to do some dishes . I suppressed a chuckle and intended to tease her a bit more by projecting some naughty feelings on her, but was interrupted by Rose, who firmly pushed me out of the kitchen after grabbing a towel and handing one to Renée. I guess it was time for some female bonding and I excused myself, saying that I was going to take a quick shower. Preferably a cold one.

We had decided not to cook an elaborate meal on Christmas day. Instead, Bella and me would just go to a restaurant with her parents. We wanted to save the rest of the family the effort of stuffing theirselves with human food, that would be my job.

I tried my best to convince Renée that Bella was in safe hands with me, and ignored all her naughty looks, as I was sure that intuitive Renée would pick up on that. The atmosphere was relaxed and I could sense that underneath Charlie's rigid posture and Renée's flamboyant nature, there was a general feeling of peace. A believe that their girl was doing great in life.

And she was! She had come a long way since I met her. How out of place she had been then, the new girl in town. College suited her well, where the rest of the class has finally caught up with her in maturity, away from the high school drama. She still looked just as shy, but I could tell that there was a confidence inside that hadn't been there before.

This week, there were plenty of other feelings as well. I couldn't quite put my finger on them, but her parents were obviously the cause. I tried to remember when I had felt these emotions from her before. This nostalgia, mixed with a sadness. And a great deal of love. Perhaps she still regretted her parents divorce, which in my opinion had been for the best, regarding the complete contradiction in both their personalities.

After dinner we went back to the Cullen house, to have a night cap in the sofa. The rest of the family joined us and chatted a bit, and for the first time this week it hit me. That she should have been here. She would have been so happy to witness this. Alice.

How badly I still missed her, having her with me all those years... I had to admit though that I didn't miss her as my girl anymore, more like a lost family member, which hurt just the same. I caught Edward's eye and I knew that he was missing her too.

For the first time the pain wasn't the only feeling. There was this sense of believe that perhaps she was indeed witnessing this. Peacefully. Knowing that I was letting her go and doing the same. A small smile grew in my heart and I was suddenly filled with… nostalgia.

I turned my gaze towards Bella and saw her watching her parents, who were bickering a bit about an old friend, both too sleepy to really get into the argument. The smile on Bella's face reflected the one I was feeling and something dawned on me.

She was letting them go.

Whether she was aware of it or not, she was silently saying goodbye to Charlie and Renée. Preparing for her future life with me, like the brave girl she is. And I was even more amazed by her.

We hadn't set a date yet, as I was sure she had no clue what she was getting herself into, but it seems like I would have to change my opinion on this. Deep down she knew what it meant, and she was making the best of the human life that was left for her.

I should have noticed this before. The way she grins when the booze kicks in, the way she closes her eyes and almost purrs when enjoying chocolate, the way she looks in the mirror after some steamy hot sex and places her hands on her blushing cheeks… She was living life intensely. As intensely as humanly possible.

"Can I have a word with you outside," Edwards voice whispered from the backyard. I hadn't seen him leave the house and was startled. Emmett raised his eyebrows at me, and I shrugged before kissing Bella on the top of her head and stepping out "to get some fresh air".

I was just in time to see him disappear in the forest and grew a bit apprehensive. His emotions were tense and he clearly didn't want to be overheard by the rest.

As soon as he was satisfied with the distance, he turned around, fists clenched and I felt him trying to suppress his anger. I think I have an idea what set him off. I crossed my arms in front of my chest, another human pose. They seemed to come more natural to me after spending so much time with one.

_It's her choice_, I thought to him. Knowing all too well that hereby the discussion would not be over. He was going to have his say, no matter what, and I simply had to sit it out.

"It's the least you can do," he replied coldly. Without giving me a chance to interrupt he started.

"You of all people, Jasper, you should know that this isn't the life she deserves. You know what it does to us, to be cold, to be unchanging, to lose the loved ones…"

I opened my mouth but he raised his hand and had a pleading look on his face "She's happy. It hurts me to see, but she's never been more happy in her life. Being human. This is who she's supposed to be. We can't be selfish, Jasper."

There was this fire in his heart, this hope that his words would reach me. They did, truly did. But none of that mattered.

"Edward, there is one thing you don't seem to grasp. It's not me you should be saying this. I'm her boyfriend, I don't get to tell her how to live her life. It's really her you should be talking to."

"You'd be the one turning her," he whispered.

"If she really wants it, I will, yes. That is entirely up to her. Talk to her, by all means, you'll see that it's the deepest desire she has."

He nodded slowly and then muttered "I will. I will talk to her." And started walking back to the house.

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**AN: Thank you all for your patience! What do you think? Should Jasper turn her or let her be human?**


	38. Chapter 37 Action and Reaction

**Chapter**** 37: Action and reaction**

**BPOV**

"Bella."

He called my name softly in that velvety voice that once sent shivers down my spine and sped up my heart. But not anymore and he knew it. There was more sadness present in that one word than I could have ever imagined. I don't even think I had heard him utter my name since he came back from London.

"Yes, Edward," I answered him as he showed up in the doorway to my room. He didn't enter, acknowledging that this was the room I shared with Jasper and he had no right to be in here until I invited him in.

"Could I have a word with you in private?" he asked and nodded in the direction of the garden. He was being formal again, just like he had been his entire visit. I pegged it as a coping mechanism, but it still hurt. We had shared a life together, even if it was just a flash in the eternity that is his existence. He should know how to talk to me. I got up from the couch, put on my winter jacket and bonnet and followed him outside. He led me into a secluded part of the garden, not speaking a word and it made me uncomfortable. Finally we sat down on a stone bench overlooking a small pond. It was cold, but not freezing and I blew in my hands to stay warm.

"What is it you want to talk to me about, Edward?"

"Are you happy, Bella?" he asked.

I didn't need to think about that question, it was so obvious he didn't even need to ask it, but I answered him anyway: "Yes I am. Very happy. Happier than I've ever been."

He nodded and a flash of hurt crossed his face. I knew my words hurt him, but if he didn't want to hear them, he shouldn't have asked.

"You look so happy, you're practically glowing," he said and smiled. Not a sad smile, but a genuine one, like he was truly content with me being happy. "I've never seen anyone look so…" he paused looking for the right word, "…alive."

He spoke that last word very innocently, but I knew what he was up to and I let out a big sigh. I had known we would have this conversation before the end.

"I don't understand you would throw that away, Bella," he pleaded as soon as he realized I was on to him. "I've seen you these last couple of days. You enjoy being alive. It suits you. You've never looked so radiant."

I let him speak his mind without interruption while I tried to keep my cool. It was hard though, because it was so clear he didn't understand me at all. We had been together for over a year, known each other for two and he still didn't understand anything about me.

"Do you know why I'm happy, Edward? Happier than I've been when we were together?"

He shrugged like he didn't know, but his fists clenched at his side. It was harsh, spelling it out like this, but it needed to be done.

"I'm happy because I'm with Jasper. I love him more than I ever thought possible. He knows everything there is to know about me and I about him, and that has made us stronger."

His eyes showed me the agony he was in at my words, but he didn't look away and I didn't stop.

"What makes me even happier is the knowledge that this happiness is going to last forever. Because I'm going to spend eternity with Jasper."

He could have expected this, but still it struck him like a slap to the face. I was worried I had gone too far and I put my hand on his cheek in the same gesture he had used the night we broke up. And just like I had done, he pushed me away gently and scooted away from me. He was shaking slightly and I thought he was sobbing. But then he turned his head to me again and his anger was blazing.

"You're making the biggest mistake of your life, Bella," he said quietly, trying to keep the anger out of his voice, but failing. "You're going to regret giving up your life and when you do, there's no chance of getting your humanity back. You'll be a monster just like the rest of us."

"You're not monsters," I argued, feeling my temper rise against my better judgment.

"The change will be so agonizingly painful you'll resent Jasper for the rest of your existence," he went on, ignoring my comment. "You'll wake up in a blood crazed haze, utterly disoriented and scared. The burning in your throat will be all-consuming and for at least a year this will be the only thing you can think about. Jasper and everyone else you love will come second to the bloodlust. And when you succumb to it and kill a human, you'll hate yourself, cursing the day we came into your life, resenting Jasper even more."

He was shaking harder and his jaw was clenched when he was done. But my anger was mirroring his. Jasper had already told me all this and now Edward was just trying to scare me away, trying to sow doubt in my mind, drive a wedge between me and Jasper.

"You think this will scare me away, but it won't," I hissed at him. "I know it all and more. And you know what? It's worth it to me!"

I ran off, not waiting for his reaction. I needed Jasper. Not to comfort me, but to hold me and make love to me. Edward made me furious and I wanted him to know there was no chance he could come between me and Jasper. There would be no more good girl Bella today. My mom and dad had gone home early in the morning, so essentially there was no one holding me back anymore. He had no idea what he awakened in me now.

Jasper was already waiting for me in our room, sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked at me curiously, feeling my rage and lust battling inside of me. But seeing him sitting there so nonchalantly, in only a wife beater and jeans even though it was freezing outside, there was no doubt which emotion was taking over. I walked over to him, dropping my jacket on the floor along with my bonnet and taking of my shirt and jumper in the same move. I straddled his lap and he pulled me flush against him.

"Don't ask," I whispered, "just make love to me."

He looked at me for a long time, probably sorting through my emotions, but I let him feel that I wanted him. I showed him my love and my desire, the anger forgotten in the background. Finally it seemed like he was going to say something, but then changed his mind and crashed his lips on mine. His kiss was slow and sensual, but became more urgent as my feelings urged him on. He undid the clasps of my bra and I slid it off my shoulders and cast it aside. I snaked my hands underneath the wife beater and pulled it over his head. I kissed along his jaw, to his collar bone and further down.

I left a trail of kisses over his chest, stopping to bite his nipples, which earned me a low growl. I slid from his lap, so I was on my knees between his legs. While placing kissing on his stomach, I unbuttoned his jeans and in one fast move from him they were gone and so were his boxers. I ogled his erect cock for a few seconds before I wrapped a hand around it. He leaned back on his elbows, but kept looking at me. Our eyes locked and I licked the head of his dick like it was a pop stickle. His abs tightened in response and I grinned. He fell back on the bed and closed his eyes when I took as much as I could of him in my mouth. Very slowly I moved my head taking him all the way out and back in until he hit the back of my throat. Each time that happened he groaned softly. But that wasn't enough for me. I wanted him to growl my name.

I started massaging his balls with one hand and wrapped the other around his shaft again. I timed the sucking motions with my hands in a way that was bound to drive him crazy. The rumble in his chest was getting louder, but I knew he was holding back. I suddenly stopped and he gasped. He got up on his elbows again and looked at me.

"I want to hear you," I told him and he nodded. I resumed my ministrations and this time he was actually growling. I watched his muscles clench and knew he was close. I tugged his sack and that sent him over the edge. He actually roared my name when he shot his load in me and I swallowed it all gladly.

Next thing I knew I was laying underneath him on the bed, all my clothes ripped from my body.

"You're so going to pay for that, darling," he whispered in my ear. Goosebumps appeared all over my body at those words and I gave myself over to his touch. He did to me exactly like what I'd done to him. I would be screaming his name soon, that was a given. When his tongue reached my clit, I was already panting heavily. I was extremely turned on and wasn't going to last long. He caressed my entrance with two fingers and my hips bucked against his mouth. Then he released his power on me, multiplying my desire by thousand, licking my clit, pumping his fingers in and out and I was in heaven. I clenched around him and screamed his name like I had never done before.

He gave me a couple of minutes to catch my breath and stared at me with a loving smirk. I pushed him on his back and climbed on top of him, letting his cock slide inside. He grabbed my hips and set a slow pace, meeting my movements with thrusts of his own. He sat upright and I wrapped my legs around him, changing the angle to hit the right spot. He let his love for me flow freely through the room and so did I.

It was then I realized I what it meant to be happier than I'd ever been. My life was complete. This was it. This was the moment I had been living towards for the last months. I was ready.

I opened my eyes and looked into Jasper's. He had stilled when he noticed a change in my emotions. I felt oddly peaceful and I smiled.

"I'm ready," I said in a steady voice. "Turn me."

* * *

**AN: So, I promised some of you, I wouldn't do a cliffie anymore... I guess I lied :p. But it's necessary, next chapter will be JPOV again. Show us your love (or annoyance ;) ).**


	39. Chapter 38 Ready

**Chapter 38: Ready**

**JPOV**

Her words echoed in my mind, which had gone blank a while before that.

"I'm ready. Turn me."

Just like that. No drum rolls, no teary scenes, just me and her. Ready.

Our gazes locked and I slowly nodded. Her eyes started to well up and I could feel her shiver in my embrace as she tilted her head, presenting me her neck.

The eye contact never broke, I couldn't look away if I wanted to. This was the moment that would change our lives forever. And that was a major understatement. I placed my cold hand on her sweaty chest. The melody of her heartbeat, one last time.

"Will you be strong enough?" she whispered.

My first reaction was to tell her "of course" but I took my time to really think about it. This wasn't the moment to be blinded by naive lovesick feelings. This was real, and dangerous as hell.

I took a deep breath, smelling her blood and feeling the familiar soar in my throat. Luckily I had gone hunting this morning, after her parents had left. And luckily me and Emmett had been able to catch a stray bear, enough to fill us both for weeks. Coincidence? Faith?

"I'll be strong enough. But Bella, we'll have to move, immediately, and you won't be able to finish college."

"I know," she answered simply, without a single sway in her resolution.

"I know you know," I smiled.

This is it.

I leaned in closer to place a kiss on her warm lips "goodbye, my Ellie."

A tear escaped her eye but in a still steady voice she said "Oh silly Jess, I'll be your Ellie forever. You'll see."

And without giving her any more chance to get nervous, I cupper her head gently, turning it slightly and instinctively my teeth were buried in her neck. She released a gasp of pain and her hands gripped tightly on my arms, but she didn't pull back.

I had decided if I was going to be strong enough not to drink too much, I'd have to be strong enough to deny every single drop. So while my poison was injected in her veins, the blood flowed freely from the wound and ran over her chest. A waste of heavenly liquid.

The smell of it made her feel sick and I gently laid her back on the bed. As soon as her head met the pillow, she fainted and I have to say I was relieved. I closed her wound, trying not to pay any attention to the divine taste on my tongue and continued my work. Injecting venom, letting blood stain the sheets, closing wounds.

I was woken up from my trance by a voice. Esme's voice.

"Edward is coming back. Stop him, Carlisle. He won't be able to…"

I heard a door and fast footsteps. It was only then that I realized we weren't alone in the house and the rest, all but Edward, probably knew what had happened.

In a way, I should have been happy about this. They had to know it was entirely her choice. And they hadn't tried to stop me. But still I was a bit embarrassed. This moment had been more intimate than any sexual feelings we had shared.

As I focused on their emotions I read mainly confusion. No accusation. Lots of worry, which was an emotion that started to grow in my chest as well. I saw my girl laying here, more vulnerable than ever. Naked, sweaty, and covered in blood.

I knew we had to take action soon, move her to a safer place before the worst of the change kicked in. I carried her into the bathroom and washed her warm human body in the shower. I put her in her favorite clothes and then carried her downstairs.

The next hours and days passed by in a blur.

Carlisle arranged the move faster than humanly possible, as well as the entire plan of putting Bella's death in scene, but her agony hit her full force before we could even pack our things.

We had talked about this several times, about the suffering that was part of becoming a vampire. But there was one thing we didn't think about, and that is how I would cope. I felt every flame of pain, heard her every scream, and knowing that I had caused this to the person I loved the most, brought me to the deepest despair. Still I wouldn't leave her side, minutes, hours, days… I was slowly going insane. My family might have been around, might have talked to me, but it all seemed to pass me by.

Until it was finally Edward who was able to reach me and with the help of the others he pulled me away from her and took me out, far out of empath reach. I was so utterly spent I stopped fighting and simply sank down on the ground, my head on my knees, torn apart by guilt.

Edward sat down next to me, and instead of accusation, I felt guilt from him too, a massive amount. I looked up at him and he started "I had to try, Jasper." At first I didn't know what he was talking about, but then I realized I hadn't even asked Bella how her conversation with him had been. Clearly he had upset her, which I knew his pleading would do. But I understood, he had to try.

"We are all unprepared," he continued, "I'm so sorry Jasper, if I hadn't…"

I interrupted him there. "This has got nothing to do with you, Edward. She was ready."

"Just like that?" I saw him scanning my mind for traces of blame, the same way I was scanning his emotions.

"I wouldn't have turned her if she only wanted to get back at you. She wanted to be a vampire and it was time."

I hadn't asked her if she was sure, but I had felt it. Her answer would have been "more than anything ever before".

Edward nodded and stared in front of him. Bella being a vampire will definitely change the Cullen life. They've only just accepted the loss of Alice and now this. I hope I wasn't asking too much from them.

"Everybody is fine," he answered my thoughts. "Carlisle is mainly worried about you. He knows about the guilt of taking a life. Esme is very emotional, thinking of introducing Bella as her daughter in all the news towns we'll live in. And you know Emmett, he's totally excited. Actually, so is Rose."

"How are you?" I asked, apprehensively.

"I don't know, really. It's done now, it was her choice, I can lay back on the soul saving. I'm trying to focus on the good side. Her heart won't beat again, but she'll forever be as beautiful as she is today…"

I felt a little uncomfortable, feeling how much he still loved her. Maybe always will.

"Probably," he said, but it wasn't a sad thought. He seemed at peace with it, as if loving her always was exactly what he wanted.

"And of course her no longer smelling like blood can only be a good thing, for both of us."

Perhaps it was an insensitive remark, but he was right. A relief from the soaring throat when I'm close to her, and knowing that her existence is no longer in danger. That was definitely a good thing.

We sat in silence for the next hours, gathering our thoughts and feelings. Trying to cope with everything. Until we saw Emmett appear.

"Carlisle thinks she will wake up today. She's been quieter, he believes the pain is fading."

In an instant I was by her side again. He was right. The burning had subsided and what was left was a sleeping beauty. Her face looked pale and I tried not to think of her blush as a ray of sunlight tangled up around her.

Sparkle.

Her emotions were steady, like a dreamless sleep, and I relaxed. I sat down and simply watched her. This face that would hold my adoration till the end of times. I was aware that forever is a relative given, I had learned that much. But Bella would be with me till the end of _my _time.

And I watched her. For hours. Finding new ways to be awed each minute.

Suddenly a slight movement awoke me from my reverie. Her finger.

Had it moved? Had I imagined it?

I grabbed her hand and was startled by how natural it felt in mine. I was holding her hand. And it excited me like a schoolboy having his first girlfriend.

I watched her face intently, ready to pick up on every movement she would make. But her emotions were still calm, which told me she wouldn't wake up just yet.

"Take your time, Ellie," I whispered, "this will be the last sleep you'll ever get. And then we can start our eternity."

I watched the fingers of our hands, and I'm grateful that it's me.

Holding on and on and on.

* * *

**AN: On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? ;-)  
And how do you think vamp Bella will turn out?**


	40. Chapter 39 Changing

**Chapter 39: Changing**

**BPOV**

Excruciating pain. Agony.

Fire consuming my flesh. Icy coldness wrecking my skin. The weight of the air crushing me. High pitched squeals needling in my ears. Nails being driven in my skull. Insides turning to stone. Pain. Endless torture.

Fire consuming my flesh. Icy coldness wrecking my skin. The weight of the air crushing me. High pitched squeals needling in my ears. Nails being driven in my skull. Insides turning to stone. Eternal suffering. This must be hell.

Fire consuming… no wait, the scorching heat in my flesh was becoming less than before. Then I recognized the icy coldness as a hand, gripping mine.

_Let go!_ I wanted to yell. _It hurts!_ My mouth didn't move, my lungs didn't fill, I couldn't even scream. Now that the squealing had stopped, the needles were gone from my ears.

The nails in my brain were still present, but it was possible to think around them. I could formulate sentences in my mind again. The part of my mind that was coping with the pain my body was in, was getting separated from the thinking part.

The air that had been crushing me, preventing me from breathing, wasn't gone, but the need to breathe had. It was my own weight now that was holding me down, like I had become a marble statue. I was certainly motionless like one. Then something clicked in my head. A marble body, no need to breathe… I was turning into a vampire. Memories started flooding my mind, of me and Edward, then me and Jasper, happiness, all ending in pain. But I knew now why. And I knew I could bear it. This is what I had fought for, to be just like him.

The burning pain was clearly fading now. It was starting to leave my hands and feet, retreating upwards. The nails digging in my brain were retracting moving to my eyes, nose and then down. Soon the pain was concentrated at my throat and I waited for it to go away, to be finally over, to start my second life. I waited and waited for hours, motionless, without even breathing, willing the pain to be gone. After what seemed like an eternity it hit me. This burning ache wasn't going anywhere, I was thirsty. And only blood could quench my thirst and ease the pain.

With this knowledge in mind, I realized I needed to open my eyes soon. I started paying attention to my surroundings. The hand holding mine could only be Jasper's. I could hear him whisper as well, so low I was surprised to even understand.

"I love you, Ellie," I heard him say over and over again, but I didn't recognize his voice. That made me angry and the rage that coursed through my body was oddly disproportional. I reigned it in quickly when Jasper stirred next to me.

"I know you're going to be mad at me for the pain," he spoke and the sadness in his strange voice was killing me. I was overcome by it and felt like drowning. Had I been able to cry, tears would have streaked my cheeks. Again, the feeling was out of proportion to what I normally felt and I tried to reign it in again.

"Take all the time you need to open your eyes, Ellie," he said softly. "Your new heightened senses will make waking up an overwhelming experience, but I want you to know I'm here for you. I will be there for you always, just like you have been for me."

His words awakened in me the love I felt for him. It started as a little spring that turned into a babbling brook, then became a river running into the ocean and ended up as a giant tidal wave trying to wash me away. Overwhelming was a bit of an understatement. I hadn't even opened my eyes yet, or taken in a breath and it was already more than I could handle. I tried again to steady my emotions and this time I sucked in deep breath of air to calm me.

Thousands of scents bombarded my nostrils, none of them familiar, and my eyes flew open. I was staring up at a white ceiling, captivated by a tiny spider that was making its way across what I once thought to be a flat surface. I felt a burst of love coming from my left and I turned my head to it, embarrassment welling up because I was distracted so easily by something as insignificant like a spider.

Jasper was still sitting next to me, holding my hand, sending me all the love he could. It was the first time I could see him as he saw himself. It was a stranger's face that was staring at me and I jerked back in the bed pulling my hand from his. It was both beautiful and frightening, his golden eyes shining with an intensity my eyes had never encountered before. His skin was very pale and smooth, but starting from his jaw line, crescent shaped scars were disfiguring his complexion, all the way over his neck and disappearing below his shirt. Very slowly he took my hand back in his, wrapping me in calm and he put it on his neck where it covered some of the worst scarring. The knowledge that they were caused by other vampires biting down on him, made me furious. Rage was building up inside of me. I needed to find the bastards and kill them, rip them to shreds, watch them burn for what they did to my mate.

My mate. I had never thought of him like that, but it came natural to me now. And my wrath disappeared just as quickly as it came. I looked into his eyes again and finally recognized something of him. The look he gave me was exactly the same as I remembered even though his eyes held nothing familiar.

"I love you, Jasper," I said and was surprised my voice didn't sound like a croak with the burning still all-pervading. It didn't resemble my human voice, but came so close I felt immensely relieved.

"I love you too, darling," he said in a husky voice. It sounded like a slow rumbling and sent shivers down my spine. His voice was all sex and it was just for me. I got caught again in a whirlwind of emotions and this time, I was affecting him. Affecting him badly. His eyes turned pitch black and I could smell a change in the air. The combined effect of our arousal got to me and I threw my arms around him, kissing him feverishly, knocking us over on the floor. I lost track of time when we were kissing, but suddenly the burning in my throat became overwhelming and I broke free easily from his embrace.

"I'm thirsty," I stated simply like I wasn't ready to rip his shirt off only seconds before. I wasn't panting and had no trouble stopping the heavy make-out session, but that was clearly not the case for Jasper. He breathed heavily and his eyes stayed dark. The lust reverberating around us was suddenly only his and it was now laced with a touch of rejection. Guilt washed over me when I realized I cock-blocked him, something I had never done before.

"Don't ever feel guilty about being thirsty, Bella," he said, taking me into his arms. "You're a newborn now, and you're only starting to comprehend what that entails."

He took my hand and lead me outside. The scents of the forest were overwhelming, but none of them raised my attention. Jasper gave me the time to identify them by myself, for which I was grateful. I closed my eyes and gave in to the sensation. It was easier when I could match the smells with the sounds. Soon I knew every animal around me, from the smallest ant to an owl sleeping in one of the trees. And of course Jasper himself. His scent was vaguely familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it how. All I knew was that it was him and that he belonged with me. Like our scents were made to be together. My thoughts sounded like a crazy person and my heart sank. Jasper sent me a little burst of confidence and I remembered again why I was standing in the forest with my eyes closed.

The plants around me were harder to distinguish, but had scents that were more familiar to my human memories. It took me ten minutes before I was ready to go. Strange that I knew that. My sense of timing was never very good, but now I could have been precise to the second if I set my mind to it.

Jasper had waited patiently by my side and instinctively knew when I was ready to go on. Again, he took my hand and lead me north. How I knew we were going north, I didn't know. If being a vampire came with a sense of direction, I would be extremely grateful for that. We were running at a steady pace, too fast for a human, but slower than a leisurely stroll for a vampire. And suddenly I was annoyed, I wanted to run, to run faster than I had ever run before, but Jasper's hand that was leading me at first, was now restraining me. Without a conscious thought I broke free and ran. The wind rushing past my ears drowned most of the sounds, though I could hear footsteps behind me. I pushed harder, dodging trees and branches, jumping over logs like I was an Olympic athlete. Then I snorted at that thought, no human could even see me move at this pace. And still, I wasn't at my top speed. Before I could push any harder, the sound I was looking for reached my ears. A slow heartbeat, accompanied by the smell of a carnivore. I realized immediately it wasn't a human, because the burning in my throat hadn't flared and there was no incessant pull, signs Jasper had warned me for when teaching me about being a vampire.

Jasper. I had run away from him. Why had I done that? It was just a flicker of a thought, while I stalked my prey. The wolf never stood a chance. In the same second it became aware of my presence, my teeth were already buried deep in its fur. Fervently I sucked its blood into my mouth, trying to relieve the burning in my throat, but it never went away. Disappointed I dropped the carcass and started looking around for more. That's when it came to me, the thirst was never going to go away. Not as long as I was feeding on animals.

The scorching heat in my throat overtook me and I screamed in despair. It wasn't the high pitched squeal I expected, but a growl coming from deep inside. I slumped on the ground, wishing with all my heart that I could cry, but the tears never came and would never come again for all eternity.

Two soft warm arms pulled me in a tight embrace while I was immersed in a sea of calm and love.

"Is it going to stay like this, Jess?" I asked, my despair getting even greater when nothing in my voice indicated the pain I was in.

"It's going to be like this for a long time, Ellie," he said and I shook my head.

"I'm afraid I'm not Ellie anymore," I whispered.

"No," he growled and grabbed my head between his hands and forced me to look at him. "You'll always be my Ellie."

I nodded, but didn't believe him. I didn't even recognize myself, how the hell could he recognize me for me?

"I know what you're going through, darling. Every sensation causes your emotions to run wild. Every feeling seems so intense, it's hard to handle. You're as fickle as a leaf in a thunderstorm and you'll change you're mind more than you can imagine now. But that doesn't mean you're not you. And it certainly doesn't mean I don't love you. Because I do love you, more than anything. You. Are. My. Ellie."

He said it so convincingly I almost believed him. I had to believe him. We would be Jess and Ellie again. I would try my hardest for him. For Jasper, my mate.

* * *

**AN: So this is vampire Bella, quite a handful, hu... **


	41. Chapter 40 Believe

**Chapter 40: Believe**

**JPOV**

I felt sorry for her, for my girl.

I began wondering if I had prepared her well enough. We all remember the burning thirst, the ever present urge to hunt, to feed, because that is the newborn feeling that lasts longest. But the confusion, which is so overwhelming at first, I had forgotten about that. It's been ages, but now I saw her struggle with this alien world, it all came back to me. How overpowering it all is, when not only everything else is unfamiliar, but even your own being.

"What are you waiting for?" a wave of irritation was sent my way, immediately followed by love and guilt as I looked up into her golden eyes.

I simply smiled and took her hand, leaving the drained animal behind, ready for a new kill.

"I'm sorry," she muttered, and I could feel her aiming her annoyance towards herself now.

I shushed her by placing a soft kiss on her lips and she surprised me by wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me closer, deepening the kiss.

We lost ourselves for a moment there until we were broken apart by an amused voice.

"Aw, come on, not again! We're hunting here. _Hùnt_, Bella, focus!"

She broke the kiss as she chuckled, and with her forehead pressed to mine, gazing into my eyes filled with lust, she answered sweetly "sorry teacher Emmet".

He prodded her and the four of us ran into the forest, silent again, hunting.

Bella's feelings were all over the place at any given moment. And so were her feelings towards the Cullens. At first she was estranged and irritated by us all. She hardly recognized any of us and our mothering made her lose her temper a few times. But she also told me that somehow, she knew that she belonged with us, that this was her family, and as soon as they backed off a bit, she relaxed and felt love.

The family had been wonderful. They all recalled being newborns and they weren't too critical, they just let her find her way and were tolerant of her mood swings. Even when she smashed the TV after losing a game on the Wii, or when she ripped the clothes off my body when she suddenly lost control during a romantic movie.

I had been worried about Edward, but the ease at which he accepted her fate had surprised me the most. She wasn't his singer anymore and he was confident that his remaining love for her could be molded into a deep friendship without hurt or regret.

After another few kills, we parted ways with Rose and Emmett and strolled through the forest, hand in hand. I let her emotions in and take me from one extreme into the other, while she slowly calmed down.

I could tell that she was exhausted. When feeling this turmoil day in day out, sleep is a thing that can keep a person sane. She needs to learn to zone out, to feel and think absolutely nothing for a while.

I stopped at a rock with a nice view and we both sat down, no longer bothered by hard surfaces.

I softly started humming a song, and she recognized it immediately. K's Choice. So many memories.

She sang along with me, and we watched the twilight fall over the forest, while the entire album played in our heads. I believe this was the first time her feelings were simply… content. And I could finally relax as well.

When we reached the first song again, we stopped singing and simply sat there, as the night grew dark. Until at last her emotions started rising again, and she drew in a breath to talk.

"I don't know what I would do without you, Jess."

"You wouldn't be a vampire for starters."

"I know but still… How do you manage to understand me so completely, when I don't even understand myself?"

"Because I'm your mate." We had called each other that non stop the last days, and yet, every time that thought crossed my mind, butterflies fluttered in my stomach.

I let her feel my love, to emphasize my words. She turned her face towards me and our eyes locked.

"You're my mate. That simple?"

"That simple."

"I was afraid… I am afraid sometimes… I don't feel like Bella anymore." She looked down again, at her feet.

"You still feel like Bella to me."

"How?" she asked, in a voice that sounded so fragile to me. I reached out to her and softly stroked her hand.

"All the things that made you you are still there. All that you are now is Bella intensified. You were so composed, but deep down, you've always been loving and passionate, about everything you believe in."

"You might be right."

"Of course I'm right," I answered with a smile and I saw that she smiled as well, her eyes locked on my fingers, caressing hers.

"But this… temper, this confusion… I feel like I'm making things hard on us."

"Of course it's hard, we knew that. But we're in this together. We'll get through it."

"How can you be sure?"

"I just am. We've gone through a lot, you and I. Actually, _you _helped _me _through a lot. Losing Alice, my… mistakes, the addiction... You believed in me. And now I believe in you. I'm gonna take care of you, like you did as well."

"Forever?"

"Forever…"

* * *

_**"Believe" – K's Choice**_

_Bravely I look further than I see_  
_Knowing things I know I cannot be, not now_  
_I'm so aware of where I am, but I don't know where that is_  
_And there's something right in front of me and I_

_Touch the fingers of my hand_  
_And I wonder if it's me_  
_Holding on and on to_  
_Theories of prosperity_  
_Someone who can promise me_  
_I believe in me_

_Tomorrow I was nothing, yesterday I'll be_  
_Time has fooled me into thinking it's a part of me_  
_Nothing in this room but empty space_  
_No me, no world, no mind, no face_

_Touch the fingers of my hand and tell me if it's me_  
_Holding on and on to Love, what else is real_  
_A religion that appeals to me, oh_  
_I believe in me_

_Can you turn me off for just a second, please_  
_Turn me into something faceless, weightless, mindless, homeless_  
_Vacuum state of peace_

_On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on_  
_I believe in me_  
_On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on_  
_I believe in me_

_Wait for me, I'm nothing on my own_  
_I'm willing to go on, but not alone, not now_  
_I'm so aware of everything, but nothing seems for real and_  
_As long as you're in front of me then I'll_

_I watch the fingers of our hands_  
_And I'm grateful that it's me_  
_Holding on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on_  
_I believe in me_

* * *

**The End

* * *

**

**Baruka:  
**For some of you this end will come as a surprise, but I assure you, it has always been intended this way. It was the story of how Jess became friends with Ellie and how they fell in love despite all the hardship. And that story is finished now and I hope you enjoyed it every bit as much as I did.

I want to thank my beautiful friend Kaitsa for living through this story with me. It was an honor to write alongside of you, you're the best. Secondly, I'd like to thank all the readers and especially all our reviewers. You've made this journey worthwile. The third thing I wanted to share with you is that we're considering writing a sequel when the summer's over. So if you'd like that, let us know.

**Kaitsa:**  
Okay... Now I'm tearing up a little...  
I agree with everything my wonderful friend Baruka said. We came up with this idea of writing a story together, just as a little bit of fun. I remember us brainstorming about all possible ideas, and then this song came... I couldn't have imagined it would turn out into this, and I can honestly say that I am proud of what we created.

Thank you all for your support, for living this story along with Jess and Ellie...


End file.
